Change being the only constant (so they say but I don't know how much I believe them on it being the "only" constant...but anyway) I thought I'd sort of try to bring you guys up to speed with regards to things with Jason.
To recap (ie. Last week on "name of tv show here") things haven't been great. I've had a really bad week or two and gotten through some personal things the relationship has brought up. We tried to reconnect a bit and life threw stuff at us and that's sort of where we're at, I guess.
Right now, as of the moment of my fingers typing this out things are good. With me, at least.
Things with Jason and I aren't resolved, life isn't as pretty as the movies make it seem but we have communicated really openly, honestly and clearly over the last few days and it's been what we both needed.
So right now I'm feeling good. Good because at the very least I've had the experience of being really honest with someone I care about and having been heard. I've stood up and said what I felt, but I've also been able to be more mature. Not that I didn't storm out of his room heading home having given him the double middle fingers, but... ahem... I did at least stop, pause, take a breath and stomp back to his room and say "do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay and try to talk this out?"
So have I been 100% cool, calm, and collected in all this? Oh hell no, but I've been not bad. And once I got through the un-cool, un-calm, and un-collected, I felt better. I'm not expecting anything, I'm keeping my "gee I secretly hope it goes this way" under control and I'm being honest. I'm not mincing words... I'm not pretending I feel any differently than how I feel.
And I think it's really good for us.
Jason has said from the beginning that no matter what he'll always be a friend in my life. I don't have that experience with a lot (any?) of exes but I do feel like I see how if we establish this level of communication and trust and openness we might just pull that off even if we don't end up being romantic partners.
Not that that's what I want to happen, but... anyway, I'm just saying, this feels right now that no matter what, it's good for us that we've talked like this.
I don't know, I'm not even sure if this is making sense anywhere other than in my head and my gut but right now things are fine. I feel fine. Nothing's fixed, but...it might just be in repair. (Great, now I'm singing John Mayer...)
So, yeah, I thought I'd say that. Say that I'm feeling good right in this moment, because I don't always get to writing that down, I don't always remember to take the time to say "I'm good" here...because often here is the place I come to self-soothe and to vent and to talk things out.
Don't know how I'll feel at any other time; later, tomorrow, next week, month, whatever, but right this moment?
I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm good.
There you go.