Monday, 13 October 2014
I remember getting home from Burning Man and telling Jason that I was not going to go again next year unless I had at least one of my people going with me. That it wasn't worth it for me to go alone, or almost alone, as it felt for me with Connor. I then said that he should ask me that again in eleven months because I figured once I got closer to next Burning Man I'd probably just want to go no matter what.
I've been home a while now. More than a month, and I think looking over my notes and journals, especially the grumpy days I just finished writing about made me sad. Sad because looking back and seeing I was unhappy... that I went to bed at nine... it's easy to think that I should have done something differently.
That I should have "forced" myself to stay up. To go explore. That I should have done more for the entire burn. Seen more, met more people, just... more. I'm sitting here feeling like I want to be mad at myself for not doing enough and that's not fair.
It's not fair at all. I did exactly what I needed to do this burn, and exactly what I was capable of doing. I wanted a quiet burn. I wanted a calm and easy burn and I got that.
There will ALWAYS be more I could have seen or done at every single Burning Man I go to. Always. It's the nature of the massive scale of it all. You can't get to even a tenth of what's there.
I don't want to let my unhappy thoughts grab hold of this one, but I'd be being dishonest if I didn't mention how I was feeling.
Part of me hears me re-telling about the not so happy moments and wants to go back and have them not happen.
But life's not like that. Not even at Burning Man.
PS Happy Thanksgiving my fellow Canadians, I'm thankful for lots, and especially for holiday days off!