Thursday, 6 September 2018


I like analogies.  They help me feel like I have a clear understanding of whatever it is I'm trying to explain and that hopefully that will help the person I'm talking to have a clear understanding as well.  My Dad, and probably others, hate analogies, but, me?  I like them.  Especially here, where I try to keep some privacy or at least an illusion of it.  So here's an analogy.  Kind of.... I think?  It works for me and allows me to half talk about something I haven't been able to talk about with anyone at all.  So there you go.

"ANALOGY" BEGINS HERE:  A while ago, a friend asked me if I'd help him out taking care of a pony.  I said sure because ponies are like horses and I like horses.  Well, I had no idea just how much it costs to take care of a pony.  I had no idea about the endless amounts of money it takes and what I thought would be a short term no big deal thing has turned out to be a long term pretty big deal.  Especially considering my personal financial issues right now.  But I can't seem to let the pony die and it seems like the pony will be made into glue if I stop but damn that pony needs new... uh... shoes and a visit to the vet for it's kennel cough (insert horse type equivalent here) and the pony is a lot healthier than it was a few years ago and all that but... I didn't know how much it cost to take care of a pony and I really hope someone else can start taking care of it soon. 

I know, I know, just back away from helping financially but I can't seem to.  It's so easy to look at this weird analogy thing from the outside and go uh duh... walk away, not your problem, etc etc.  But because this is an analogy and I'm not willing to be honest with you or anyone about the actual situation I guess I just wanted to vent and say I'm really struggling financially, I'm terrified a lot of the time about money, and some of that is because I chose to help with something that I didn't really know what the actual cost would be. 

I'm going to keep comments off for this post because money is a huge trigger for me and my anxiety.  I can't talk about it without freaking out and spinning badly.  In fact, I don't even want to post this but I'm trying to get myself back into being honest here, or at least talking more again.  So to un-analogy-ize.... on top of my health struggles, I've been dealing with a lot of money struggles and that is not something I'm doing well with most days. 

They say that money is one of the biggest things couples fight over.  I know it's a huge fight trigger in my family.  I fully understand why.  I'm trying to work on my relationship with money (right now my brain exaggerates it to very black and white things) and I do know that I am relatively well off compared to many... as I type on my computer in my rented apartment, with a full belly and running water. 

But I'm stressed, I'm worried, I can't really see a good way out.  Even if the pony dies or I walk away from it I have a hole I feel I have to dig out of.  And a future that gets closer every day. 

I hate money.  I hate that I (we) need money.  I wish I could be relaxed about it.  I'm tired of feeling this particular stress on top of so so many others.

Y'all?  Don't help save someone else's pony, ok?  Your own?  That's your call.  But not someone else's.