Monday, 18 February 2019


It's Sunday morning as I type this.  The sun is out, which is so lovely, and the snow is continuing to melt away, which I know makes things easier for a lot of people (but I will certainly miss it.)

I feel like I've made it through winter now.  You can start to see the days being longer.  Heck, there was still light out some time after five this week, it was decidedly wonderful.  I feel like now it's time for Spring, all the "winter things" are done... Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, it's time for easier days.  Because yes, I struggle in Winter and maybe sometimes even in Fall. 

My birthday is in this last chunk of time, and it was a weird one this year.  I had plans for the day itself, dinner with my parents, lunch with C-Dawg, but my parents had a rough bout of the flu and had to cancel and C-Dawg's been unwell herself and she messaged me on the morning of and said she was so sorry but just not well enough to have lunch.

I completely understood and I wasn't upset, that's just life.  But it was my first birthday ever alone.

I could have gone to see Jason, or even exposed myself to my parents' flu.  I thought of seeing my brother but it turns out his back had gone out so... yeah, my first ever birthday alone.

It was sad.

I sung myself happy birthday, I stuck a match in a jaffa cake (don't ask why I had some!) and, well, for the first time I didn't see my family on my birthday day.

I did see friends that week and I did see my parents not long after (my Mom only as my Dad was still not up for it...) I'm not looking for sympathy, just sharing that it was a difficult and sad/lonely experience for me.

C-Dawg's message, however, gave me a strange feeling of permission.  To actually say out loud that I am not well.  We both mean a great deal to each other and we know birthdays are fun and special days and I really appreciated that she *wanted* to see me and have a delicious lunch but that she wasn't well enough to do so and told me so.  I'm not good at that. 

I power through far too often and tell people that I'm managing or hanging in or whatever the line is.  Which is true sometimes, but also sometimes not.

I haven't really said it outloud myself, I did break down this weekend and tell Jason that I really think I'm not all that well, but it's hard to admit.  I'm looking to C-Dawg as my inspiration that on the days I'm really not ok, that's when I should be saying to myself and others that I'm not well today.

So, I did.  When I went out that weekend to catch up with friends I haven't seen in, well since my last birthday, I met with one of them a bit earlier and explained where I'm at and how I've been doing.  See, I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my very very immediate circle about what's going on, and really within that circle, I've only really talked fully with Jason.  I dunno.. the earth didn't stop spinning when I told my friends I was really struggling with anxiety.  I don't know if they think any differently of me.  They haven't suddenly started to call every five minutes to check if I'm ok so... you know, maybe it's not so awful if people "know"?

It's just private and personal and awful and I know how some will think about it, or about me.  I've heard them talk about people who had "breakdowns" or "lost it" or... whatever and there's often such judgement that I'd rather avoid.

But knowing there is judgement anyway, I suppose.  That were I the healthiest I've ever been some people still might think poorly of me or dislike me or judge me.

I can *know* this and still not feel comfortable with talking about my mental and emotional health.

But I'm also feeling like I'm at a point where I need change.  Big change.  Big, POSITIVE change and keeping this all secret/silent hasn't made me better.

I just know there are certain things you can't take back once they're out.

Well, let's be real, everything.  But yeah, I'm not well, and I don't know that I've fully accepted or admitted that as I've been trying so hard to push through everything.

And it's also possible this is just how I'm feeling after a long winter, and some new physical health concerns.


Anne Roy said...

Burning Man ... I did not know if you had seen this ...

Are the super-rich ruining Burning Man?

Thought you might be interested even it is nonsense ...

waving, Cdn Anne in England

Jonathan said...

I've learned a little bit about anxiety - a huge story not really told on my blog - so yeah. I kind of know what you're going through. I'm out here - you know I am - but I know forcing yourself to say hello is the worst thing to suggest, so maybe I'll give you a shout every so often - not looking for a reply. Just to let you know I'm there, a bit like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet.

Victoria said...

My parents sent me that today too Anne :) Thanks. Yeah, they (the Burning Man Organization) put out a journal entry about this a couple of weeks back and the media picked it up. *waving back*

Thanks Jonathan :)

Jason Langlois said...

*all the respectful hugs*

Victoria said...

Thanks Jason :)