Wednesday, 11 September 2019

A Sample Day

My day Monday wasn't the easiest and I thought I'd try to use it as an example of how a not terrible day (but a not good day) can sometimes go for me.

I'm no sleep expert but I figure I am in lighter sleep in the mornings or something and so often I have a dream that I call a "stress dream" (because it's not really nightmare level) and I often wake up with/from it.

So I started the day with one of these stress dreams.  This one involved some sort of chase and escape and ended up involving a work location (I find the stress dreams usually do, duh) and so I woke up kind of stressed (maybe elevated heart rate or some hormonal elevations or something Science-y like that) and once I was more awake I felt pretty anxious because it was Monday (as in not a weekend, when there are no expectations and nowhere to be).  I have some morning routines and I've found that sometimes if I can kind of use them right away it can help me calm down so I did my "twenty minute minimum" "exercise" in the kitchen (I've referred to it before I'm sure, it's basically walking pretty much on or around the spot and getting a tiny little bit of cardio in) and then a small guided meditation (I use Headspace) and then I sit and check on a few things online. 

This, I've noticed, causes my anxiety to spike back up again, so I've taken to using a program to block certain sites on my laptop (Facebook is the current frontrunner for causing me stress and anxiety when I pop on to it).  If my anxiety is still high, or has been set off I will often put on a show and while it may not be the healthiest, it is a coping strategy that I use when I really just want a break from the anxious feelings.  So I meditate a little, I exercise a little, and if I'm still not "ok", I'll distract with a show.  Which is what I did on Monday morning. 

I did pretty well and was able to calm back down but then it spiked up again and I'm aware of what pushed those buttons but sometimes (like writing here) it's something I want to push through or work through and so it's like a calculated risk/choice.  (But still no fun.)

I've referred to it as "hitting in waves" because sometimes that's how it feels like it's happening throughout a day (or a morning).  It'll be bad, then I'll work to calm it down and there's a huge feeling of relief when I realize I'm ok... and calm and I try to hold on to that and then I get on with things and then sometimes it (the anxiety) comes back (or the sensations that go along with it do) and it's uncomfortable and it feels like I get "hit" by it again and have to ride that out and do the things and then it (hopefully) subsides and I try to forget about it but sometimes it grows again and, well, Monday was one of those days. 

I have a calendar I keep to try to track things and I highlight yellow for "some anxiety" and red for "really bad anxiety".  Monday was a yellow day.  Here's hoping the rest of the week will be colour-free.

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