Tuesday, 12 May 2020


I know, that's probably a title around here more often than not but really.... sigh.

My province is apparently "slowly" "opening up".  In phases or steps or whatever you want to call it, and I know other places around the world are doing similarly (kinda) but still... I'm feeling not so great.

Someone somewhere (I think an artist I follow on social media) said that while "lockdown/quarantine" was just a sudden stop, this... this feels less comfortable in so many ways.  (I'm sure she put it better.)  Being told to stay inside was shocking and sudden but it was also fairly defined and definite.  But now it feels like so many, too many variables.  Partial reopening of things.  You can extend your bubble slightly outside of your household.  But not inside.  And still with distancing.  And schools are going to be open again.  But also not?  But no one really feels ok with that?  And my acupuncture place is opening again but I don't feel ok about that even though I'd like some.  "Just stay home" was easier... although not easy.  This doesn't feel ok.

I can't find a reasonable-for-me place to settle.  I will still be shopping online (despite how much more I spend doing so), and I will still be avoiding stores (I think I have been in a store three times since the middle of March, and each time I was afraid.... anxiety afraid.)  I might go hang out in a park at a distance with C-Dawg but we likely won't hug (and oh how I've cried over that) and my parents won't see me any time soon and I won't hug them (yeah, more crying there, I just want to hug and be hugged so much but I'm so scared of making someone sick.)  I won't see family or friends, so my "socializing" probably won't change at all from what it is now.  So my potential change is practitioners.

My counsellors might offer in person sessions again.  Which I have been missing, a lot.   But then that means an increased risk of exposure.  But maybe not a huge risk?  But maybe too much.  And same for acupuncture (it helps a lot with my anxiety and sleep), and at some point massage I suppose (helps a lot with aches and pains) and, my hair stylist has talked about reopening and I don't need a hair cut but I feel like I should support her financially by getting one but that's exposure and all of it is just more potential exposure.

Not just FOR me but BY me.  Because I have no way of knowing if I'm an asymptomatic carrier.  I'm probably not, but I can't guarantee that, and I do not not not not not want to unknowingly get someone sick.

Nor do I want to get sick myself.  Or so on and so forth, so the "safest" thing to do is stay home.  But... like... forever?

Do I expect another lockdown to happen because of an increase in cases?  Yeah, I do.  But I try to tell myself I'm not an expert and the experts are the ones making the decisions here.

There's a meme going around... "Easing the lockdown doesn't mean we've beaten the virus, it means the hospitals have room for you now" and... ouch.  Sigh.

And oh.  Oh the things coming out of the country to the south of us.  Oh.  I am so many things.  Horrified.  Terrified.  Angry.  Furious.  Sad.  Scared.  Rocking back and forth trying to make it all go away because it is too too much.  The muddle of mixed responses.  The endless coverage.  I can't.  I mean, I do.  But I can't.  Let's leave that aside.

I am scared.

Anxiety eats up "future what ifs" and grows bigger and bigger on them.  And that's all I feel right now.  Few.... none of them good.

I've had a few people around me say that they won't continue to live in a box and I don't know how I personally feel about that.

I've kind of been living in a box for a while now with my health and anxiety stuff, but this box is different and I miss things.  I miss appointments and seeing practitioners, I do.  But it is not safe.

But it will not be safe safe for a time.  Probably a long time.  "Long" being relative.  An unknown, possibly long long time.  So what do I do?

You can't answer for me.  You can only answer for you.

I don't know what my answer is.  For a while it may be a "wait and see". 

I'm tired of dodging people on sidewalks.  It was sweet for a while when there was hardly anyone out, but now there are far more folks out and the dodging is less fun and I'm tired of it.  It tires me.  So I don't always go out.

I feel like I'm whining but this sucks right now because the reopening is making me feel unsettled and like I have to make decisions.  It was "easier" on me when the decisions had been taken away because everything was closed.  I don't know what to do now that the choices are seemingly mine again.

So, sigh. 

This sucks.

Sorry for whining.  I know I'm lucky.  That's all.

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