Monday, 18 January 2021


Yeah... I'm just really not doing all that well right now.

I'm fine, pretty much, but very overwhelmed and so my days right now are on the level of "coping" and doing the things that absolutely have to be done and that's about the limit of what I can manage.

And yes, it sucks.

There's also the reality of a few weeks of not blogging and therefore being out of that habit and pattern and finding it a real struggle to try to push back into it, especially when.... see above.

America is imploding, but not, but very much so.  Vaccines are... I don't even know, happening but not but they are.  Covid is still rampant and not good and frightening and unsettling and everyone everyone everyone has opinions and thoughts about what should be done or how it's being handled and I'm exhausted by it, personally.

My new sandwich neighbours (one above, one below, they're the bread I'm the filling!) are noisier than their predecessors and it's setting off anxiety attacks (not really sure why?)

My parents are aging.  During a pandemic where I can't see them in person (beyond outside at a distance with masks on, weather dependent, in winter.) 

I'm having to deal with work related things and... that's so stress filled I can't even.  Which of course means money stress and yeah no.

I'm sure I've had times like this before, but maybe it's been long enough that it's just that unfamiliar.  Or maybe this is worse or I don't know, I really don't.

Just... not much calm right now and it's wearing on me.  Sometimes it feels like I'm about to explode or lose it and other times it feels like I just need to ride it out.  I don't know... and I think part of it this time is I'm not sure what the most stressful/anxiety producing thing is.  Like previously I'd be able to tell you oh X set me off and now I'm upset about ALLLLLLL the other things, but this time it feels a lot more nebulous so like I'm less able to figure out how to calm myself?

Am I really that anxious about what may come out of the states?  Is that setting me on edge more than anything?  And if so, how do I disengage?  Is it ..... leftover stress from the holidays?  Is it Covid?  Like, who's the culprit here and I'll try to sort it you know?  

And it's hard not to be hard on myself, not to tell myself that this is all my fault for not being strong enough or working hard enough at being "ok" or whatever other thing part of my brain tries to complain at me about.   I'm babbling, I know that.  I also keep closing this page and then thinking of something else I want to say and uh yeah... happy Monday?  D'oh.

(No need to worry, am venting, it's ok.)


Elliott said...

There's just so much negative going on right, it's almost impossible to tune out and turn off. Even the safety and quiet of your home is a struggle right now as we never get to leave. Working from home is great, but it never ends, it's there 24/7. My parents are aging too and are 3 hours away. This was the first Christmas in I can't remember how long that we weren't together.

And our winter has been crappy...rainy and no snow, so the normal outdoor activities - cross country skiing, hiking in the snow, snow shoeing aren't happening. And this is the first winter in 48 years I haven't played a minute of hockey (I started when I was 4).

All of this is piling up to make for a stressful time. I really it hope it gets better soon for all of us. This sucks.

Jason Langlois said...

I find it's this weird "I'm okay, but not okay" state. I mean, people ask "how are you?" and I can say I'm alright. I'm not sick, I'm working, I have food and a roof, there's lot of entertainment for distraction.

But ... I'm not okay, for all those reasons you mention. The US. Pandemic. Economics. Politics. Everything. But that's all so big, it's not something to talk about, because it feels like it just amplifies it.

I guess I just feel where you're coming from, and for me, at least, a small part of me feels better than I'm not the only one in a similar state.


Victoria said...

Kind of glad it's not just me Elliott, although of course I'd much rather it was in some ways (as in I wish all y'all were happier and less stressed!) Weird that you've had a mild so far Winter too... and no hockey must be just so strange. It's gotta get better.... soon? (Please?)

Yeah, that's totally it Jason, "ok" but not ok.... and at least now there are the three of us feeling this way which means there are likely lots of others feeling this way...

*hugs all round*