Angst-iety

I can't help you (or anyone) with your anxiety, because I don't know what you're going through and mine makes no sense to me.

I only vaguely remember how my doctor diagnosed me (there were questions? and a long conversation) because honestly those first few days and weeks and months (first year even...) were really a blur even at the time.  I have to assume I kept functioning because here I am.  But if anyone talked to me about things at the time I have no recollection of that at all.  Not in the slightest.

So all I have to go by are the descriptions of anxiety I've read in books or on websites or seen acted out in shows or movies and so when people have panic attacks in them... sometimes there's breathing into bags (hyperventilating)... they often say they feel like they can't breathe or that they're having a heart attack and I know I have at least one friend who when his anxiety spikes (panic attack) he feels like he IS having a heart attack... I've witnessed that. 

But for me, I can't even explain what it feels like when I have anxiety or when anxiety kicks in or when I have a panic attack.  I wrote a poem about it once... something about waves... but I wrote that on a come down, not on the way up or during, so I don't know.

I don't think I've thought it was a heart attack or anything.  I know there's some issues with heat, like my face feels hot?  But I've never looked to see if it's turning red or anything.  Something goes on with my breathing but I don't know what.  It's tighter?  But I don't know.  I just... everything is bad.  It feels bad.  My body is not ok.  It feels really bad.

And, no, I'm not currently thinking I'll have the presence of mind to take notes next time my anxiety spikes.  Sigh.

I don't know, maybe I'm grasping at straws right now because I haven't had much relief from high anxiety the last long while and so I started to think "well maybe it's not anxiety"  like.. maybe it's some deficiency, or like some of us have talked about, hormones, or... who knows, just something.  Maybe there's something totally "fixable" going on and we just haven't looked for it yet because we just figured it was anxiety.  You know?

But when I brought this up with my counsellor he said a professional version of "yeah... no... this is anxiety"  And I said well yeah, but I have anxiety about the anxiety!  Like, I get anxious that a thing is going to make me anxious and I don't want to feel anxious, that's not anxiety, that's... weird?

No, he said, that's a common thing.  

Sigh.

 

 

Huh.  It's funny.  I just took a pause from writing this to go do a search.  "Find out what actual symptoms of anxiety are" I said to myself... so off I went to the google.

Here's what I found via the Mayo clinic.  (You know, rather than someone's Aunt Sue)

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having an increased heart rate
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling weak or tired
• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
• Having trouble sleeping
• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
• Having difficulty controlling worry
• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

Um, yeah... ok.  Fine.  I guess I have anxiety.

Damnit.

So I mean really, at this point, I guess the tv shows and movies have to find a way to show anxiety and so they show the symptoms that make most sense visually... rather than someone sitting there looking fairly normal.

But I mean with those listed symptoms, I'm sure we've all had some or all of them from time to time.  With this, it's that it's ongoing.  It's not just before that first date or the big speech, it's more than that.  It's ongoing, and it's impacting your life.

Which mine did.  And does.  Even though I don't want it to anymore.  (And never did)  Anyway, I'm babbling.

I guess the "sense of" or "feeling of" is where the questions come in.  You know, the scales.  Do you feel X, Y, Z, from zero to ten and you answer and they go from there.  So that's, I'm sure, how my doctor diagnosed or whatever.

Sigh.  I guess I answered my own babble didn't I?

And I guess my counsellor was right.  It's anxiety.  Not a "missing thing" that can be magically fixed. (Although I will still hold out hope for that... and age stuff... with hormones... you know...)

Mine still makes no sense to me.  And I hate it.  (duh)  And I'm drained and scared and avoidant right now and it sucks more than I'd like.  Which is zero.  I'd like zero suckage.

Non-sensical blog post over now, kthnxbye!