Wednesday 29 September 2021

Hurt

Jason and I had a big fight last week.

It happens, but this one was more than I could handle with all that's going on.

He said some things that were really hurtful and yes, we've talked it over calmly since (with apologies where necessary) but I'm also looking at what he said and what parts of what he said may be valid and, well, this is all a long way of saying I think I'm at a point of realizing the depression part of my mental health may need more attention than I've been giving it these last few years.

And hell no I don't want to talk about this or post about it but here I am.

Sigh.

I was depressed with a capital D a lot of years ago.  Pre-blog years, so you know, like a hundred years ago!

I remember distinctly how I felt and how it felt and my doctor sent me to an urgent counselling thing and they prescribed antidepressants and making a long and probably important story short, I'm not entirely sure they helped and coming off of them was hell.  

It was so awful ... the withdrawal, that I promised myself I would never get that unwell again.  Never would I let myself get so depressed I needed those medications again because no.  Awful.

And I never have been to that place again.  That level or type of depression I mean.  I have never felt that again and I'm so grateful and proud of that.  But I realized after some of the unkind things Jason said that I've probably been depressed for a while without really realizing it.

I mean, sure, my doctor told me I was when I first went off work but I'm not in that place any more.  And I mean sure, I feel low a lot of the time but not like I did way back when.  Nope.  

But y'all, my "depression test" type scores come out higher than my anxiety test scores right now and that... well that was a little shocking because I don't feel depressed?  Not like how I remember it?

And I mean, global pandemic.... am I right?  Aren't we all just hating it all?  We're not?  Huh?

So it's probably been a while.  And sure that kind of stuff can ebb and flow but I mean when was the last time I looked forward to something?  My last trip to Burning Man?  My last trip to anywhere?  Before I got sick and stopped work?  Depression and anxiety are horrible things and they work so terribly well together that the cycle is endless and tight and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life and there must be something more... right?

"What on earth did Jason say that was so hurtful?" you might be wondering.  And what it amounted to... among other things I won't repeat.... I was complaining ("whining" he said... sigh) about how hard this month has been and how I've had no life.... none at all... barely eating, not going anywhere, not doing anything at all and he said that that was no different from before I started work and I haven't had a life for as long as he's known me.

Yes.  Hurtful.  Absolutely.  Untrue?  Yes.  Certainly.  But if you look for the grain of truth in his fed up words.... I don't hugely disagree with what he could have said in a far nicer way at a much different time.

And sure we can put the blame on Covid for the last year and a half (is it that long?  longer?) but even pre Covid, my anxiety was keeping me from doing things.... socializing... travelling.... road trips.  I've not done much for maybe a year before Covid and certainly Covid was a valid reason not to do these things but as per my post a couple of days ago.... I mean, what now?

And if I'm doing this whole going back to work thing which has been SO awful (I'M NOT WHINING YOU JERK) and I'm dealing with extreme anxiety and panic attack most every day, especially on the days I go in to work place... well, then maybe I can push myself to do some of the things I actually want to do?  You know?

Maybe I'm seeing the strength this is taking to do this day after day after week after week and wanting to turn that strength towards things I might enjoy.  Even if my mental health has told me there's "nothing" I enjoy and all that horrible noise it puts inside my head.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention some reading I'm doing that is also helping this last while.  It's work by David Burns... one of the pioneers of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  I'd read one of his books years ago and I guess it didn't hit quite the same way this is now.  I'm listening to his podcasts on my walks and working my way through a couple of his books and it's hitting in a really good way for me right now.  

I never (or at least very rarely) recommend anything to anyone who is dealing with their own mental health because we are all so incredibly different and there is absolutely no one thing or one size fits all but this stuff is helping and making sense to me right now and I'm grateful for that... along with all the other things I'm doing (counselling, certain natural supplements, some low dose "doctor prescribed" things, acupuncture, etc.) that work for ME.  I can not speak to how they might impact someone else and that's just how this stuff goes a lot of the time.

So anyway.  Yeah.  Heavy Big D depression is something I'm going to be turning some attention to once I'm a little more through this highly anxious first chunk of workplace things.

If any of this even made sense....


3 comments:

Jason Langlois said...

It really makes sense. My own experience of depression is that when you're in it, you rarely know you are ... it's not until other people start pointing things out that, for me anyway, tips me off. Comments like "How're you sleeping?" from coworkers, for example...

So yeah, it makes sense.

Elliott said...

Totally makes sense. I'm struggling with similar feelings...my comment from a couple of days ago. The only things I seem to enjoy lately is the solitude of going for jogs or speed walks or jumping on either my road bike and going for a few hours or mountain bike and bombing around the forest trails.

I'm lucky I guess in that I don't have anxiety or other things that you are dealing with. And when my head hits the pillow, I'm out for the night.

But I'm struggling with things that used to bring me so much joy are just meh now. And I hope that as we get out (if we get out) of this pandemic that some joy comes back to lots of people, you included.

Victoria said...

Fair point Jason, and I suppose with being so isolated (by choice and circumstance) with Covid, and before that with not working, there likely wasn't anyone (other than other Jason) to point it out....

I hope that for all of us too Elliott.... a return to joy. Yes please! (Screw off Covid you dumb dumb)