I Don't Know What To Do

About Covid.

Back when we were first hearing about Covid, I didn't think much of it.  It would be like those others that I barely remembered and maybe got a vaccine for (so I could travel) and never really worried about.  

And then it started to be not so much like those others.  But... some people were over reacting, right?  Weren't they?

And then it was like, oh... ok... no.  Shit.  Lockdown.  Fear.  Worry.  Concern.  Big.  Bad.  Scary.  

And yet still surreal.

I was terrified.  The situation gelled with my anxious brain and I had a hard time getting out of the house for a while.  And I didn't shop.  Everything came from online and was delivered.  I was as careful as I could be with things.  Appointments were cancelled.  Others transferred to online.  It was strange.  And surreal.

I remember a whole lot of not knowing.  Not knowing how many would die.  Not knowing if I'd be able to get through unscathed.  Not knowing if supply chains would break.  Not knowing what would cease to be.  Just not knowing.

And we've all lived through our own versions of the next year or so.... working from home or losing jobs or not working from home and wondering if that meant contracting this illness.  And we've all been through varying health orders or mandates and reactions to that and the loosening of things and then masks but not masks but ok masks and don't see anyone but see a bubble but now it's better so you can do more things and shit we did that too fast, ok tighten up again and on and on and now we're here.

And I don't know where here is, but I am double vaccinated... I am shopping in person.  And, I am at a workplace.  Masked.

But that's about all I'm doing and that's where this post comes in because I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I'm still scared.  But now I don't know if my scared is holding me back or what.

I see people going to events.  My social media feed follows people who are going to things outside, and travelling and some are attending indoor events and shows and I just don't know.

Do I judge?  Sure.  But lots of people are doing this and they're not all getting sick.   (Or maybe they are but their vaccines are keeping them asymptomatic????)

I don't know anymore.  I feel like we may never eliminate this.  That it may never sort of go away the way the others have or did.  And what if we are just living with this forever, what does that mean for me?

I don't have a life.  I haven't had a life for a while.  Not much of one anyway.  And sure, we can blame my mental health for that, sure... but what now?

What now that I want to be more alive, more... not this.  What do I do?

It's sort of a double whammy and kind of a big one, but one I'm looking at and thinking about.

If we take Covid away, there is still a lot for me to deal with.  The "not having done anything in a long time" is a big thing.  It's been hard for me to go to things even before we entered a global pandemic, but now it's here and I think that might just be that.

So... what do I do?

How do I live?  Safely?  Or do I just accept I will likely contract Covid and just hope it doesn't make me too sick or incapacitate me for life or kill me?  How do I live with this?

As I said, I have friends who are doing things.  Going to pubs.  Performing at said pubs.  Going out for dinner.  (Right now to do that in our province you need to use a vaccine passport to show proof of double vaccination... just... to be up front about that.)  People are socializing.  Going to beaches.  Lakes.  Fishing trips with buddies.  They're living.  And (knock on wood lest I jinx things), none of my friends have told me they've gotten sick. 

People are going to protests, voting in person (I voted by mail), learning new skills, volunteering.  And they haven't yet posted on their social media that they got sick doing any of these things.

So what do I do?  I don't know.

Am I in a rush to go grab a drink at a pub?  Nope.  But some of my friends have gone to a movie.  And they didn't seem to get sick.  Is that luck?  Or.... vaccination?

How do I figure out how to live in a pandemic?

How do I figure out how to live?

This isn't going away any time soon.... and I don't know what to do.

(And honestly, I'm not sure this is even an "anxiety" thing... just a "prefer not to get sick" cautious person thing... with maybe an extra tinge of anxiety... dunno.)

And just to be clear... I don't have to do anything today.  This isn't a RIGHT THIS MINUTE sort of thing.  Just I suppose returning to work and therefore a crap ton more exposure opportunities than I've had since this all started... I suppose that's part of what has me thinking.  Plus wanting to move forward with my life again after so long of not seeing how stuck and low I was.