Wow

I am stunned at how tired I am.

Like, physically and emotionally tired from mainly emotional stuff.

So yeah, I'm starting part time work, and I don't talk about work, but I want to and need to talk about this so just to catch anyone up who's just joining us... I pretend I'm a spy rather than talking about whatever my actual job might be.  I do my best to be neutral and not out myself as a... whatever I might be.  So I will possibly refer to "workplace" as, you know, the place I go to work.  

I have not worked in something like six years.  According to my doctor and the "return to work rehab" type person, and a therapist,  most people don't return to work after this long off.  And damn if I'm not finding out why.  

My doctor, for whatever it's worth said she didn't think I could do it.  And when she said it (two weeks ago?) I said thank you and was pleased.  But right now I feel like screaming I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT AND I HAVEN'T YET.  Because you guys?  Holy sh*t.

I went in to workplace on Monday for essentially a meet and greet.  I hated the drive.  It's the most stressful drive to work I think I've ever had to do.  I had a Summer job when I was in University that had me going on the highway but it was a simple shoot out and shoot back thing.  I didn't mind it at all.  Plus, back then I hadn't been in a car accident and gotten PTSD about driving.  Which hi, try to avoid that, k?

So I did that and I met a small number of folks and I looked over some work stuff and I got completely overwhelmed and then I did a somehow even worse drive home and I have not yet recovered.

I talked to a counsellor type on Tuesday who said with regards to the drive I just have to do it over and over and over even on weekends until it becomes boring.  So I did that Tuesday, just drove out and back.  It was exhausting.  Draining.  Awful.

And that's not even considering this new-to-me role I'm going into I genuinely don't know how to do.  And I think I'm scared to ask for help and I'm not sure who to ask and I'm not a newbie, I've been doing spy work for ages, and I'm old (as in, I'm not a brand new 20 something that everyone knows and expects to be lost and need help)  I'm an old lady and I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't know what to do about that.

And my schedule isn't set.  I know how much time my doctor has cleared me for, but not what workplace wants that to look like.  I was told one thing and planned my next month around that and now it might be changing.  Oh and did I mention I am completely overwhelmed with not knowing how to do this and that I can't just do a crap job of it because things have to have to get done, like, now?

I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted and that's all just from stress and anxiety and worry and not even doing the actual job.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I really am not sure right now if this is a good idea.  And I'm trying to be hopeful that that's "just" anxiety talking but I'm not sure.  I'd asked for some job shadow time, some more volunteering and then transition but others felt this was better.  And I guess I agreed.  But I didn't know it would hit me like this.  Before I even actually technically did anything.

This is brutal and counsellor types keep saying "well that's to be expected" but wow... I don't know.

And I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about this.  People who aren't spies don't really understand the ins and outs of it.  I figure most jobs are like that though.  And my friends who are spies mainly do the other kind of spy work, plus I've really only talked to C-Dawg about my anxieties and she's just had a horrible thing happen and so I can't really dump on her right now.  And Jason tries to listen but I feel awful about how much I vent at him and my counsellor just raised session costs and I can't afford it as often now and well, it's not as if a counsellor is on call, you know?  And people mean well.  I'm sure so many people would tell me to call and talk or vent but it's like how to explain all this?

How to explain the drive is hell and the workplace is hell and I don't feel like I can do the job because I literally don't know what to do and there doesn't seem to be anyone around to tell me and I also know my anxiety is paralyzing me but knowing that doesn't always mean I have the energy or ability to push through.  You guys I CAN'T EVEN MAKE WORDS MAKE SENSE ON THIS PAGE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU!!!!

Sigh.

I'm really really tired and I haven't done "anything".  Or more to the point I haven't allowed myself to accept that driving to workplace and meeting a few people and looking over some stuff is a really huge and overwhelming accomplishment after 6 years not being well enough to work.  Maybe typing that out will help.  And the parts of me telling me I suck for being this tired can really just shut up.  I just... I wasn't raised to praise "little things"... or something.