F*ck

Yeah, I wrote yesterday's post a few days ago and this post I'm writing on Sunday but honestly I don't even know what day it is right now and I'm not going to try too hard to figure it out so there you go.

I'm pretty panicked.  Or, like, I guess my anxiety has been set off since the rain/flooding last Monday and the events since haven't really helped and I'm not really having a good time.

There's weird stuff happening with gas.  Like car fuel gas.  I don't want to say hoarding.  I could say panic buying.  I could mention some shortages due to roads and highways across the province getting wiped out but I don't really effing know.  I just know that there have been huge lineups for gas since, what, Tuesday?  A week now?  And that gas stations then run out of gas.  And then they get a new shipment in and then there are line ups again and it's been like that for a week now.  F*ck.

The government has imposed a 30L limit on how much you can buy and that's probably about half a tank for me, but when.  When and where am I going to GET that 30L?

I'm driving to work now.  Three days a week.  About 20K a day, if I go straight there and straight home.  No, wait, it's closer to 30Km.  F*ck me.  Sh*t.  I have gas right now.  I have just over half a tank.  ANY OTHER MONTH I wouldn't even be thinking about it.  I don't usually worry about gas until I'm at like a quarter tank.  Sometimes I even run it down til the "uh oh" light comes on, but usually I try to not let it get to that point.  But the point is... ordinarily I would not be worrying or even really thinking about gas right now.  I have gas and I'll just go fill it up when I don't.  That's how I usually deal with it.

Except now it feels like I can't.  Because of the behaviour and choices of others... which, I am trying not to judge and label but whyever they're doing it it's still messing with me and my anxiety and that then sets off a chain of anxiety and that really really sucks.

When I'm more anxious, I'm less smart.  Like, I can't see through to solutions.  And the anxiety just goes ahead and "ruins" everything and logic disappears.  So it's no longer "meh, I'll figure it out", it's this undefinable "end of world" scenario that doesn't even get played out in my mind (like it's not as if I'm thinking I'll lose my job over this) it's more like the anticipatory stress of... discomfort?  Like, I do NOT want to have to wait in a two plus hour line to hopefully get a half tank of gas. I so so so so SO do not want to do that, and I'm not even sure I logistically can?

Should I be out on a search for gas right now instead of typing this?  Well that sounds f*cking ridiculous but anxiety says... hey, what if it's not?  What if you're missing out?  What if... what if?  What if?

And unlike the toilet paper weirdness at the start of Covid, this one feels a little more... dire.  Could I take public transit instead?  I'm a no on that one due to proximity of people during pandemic and also hating transit and also no.  A taxi?  Well I suppose, but who can afford that and also I don't want to.  Do I take sick days while trying to find gas?  I DON'T KNOW AND WHY AM I HAVING TO THINK ABOUT THIS?  Like it feels like people have made this weird situation and I'm trying to be calm about it and not worry but I'm not calm and I am worrying.

Jason is displaced and has pretty much lost everything.  People are being fucking end of the world weird and buying up groceries and GASOFUCKINGLINE and I am doing neither and part of me is terrified that that will somehow mean I... what, die???  Fuck you anxiety, like really... get a grip, you're making a poopy situation absolutely awful.

But yeah.  We're on gas, what, rationing?  (Which some will ignore because... reasons...) And we have no idea about shipments and trucks and I don't even know what but every time I get in my car I use up gas and I don't actually (For the first time in my life) know for sure that I'll be able to get more and I hate that.

And my anxious mental health is all having  field day.