Inflexible

I have some rules or "must do"s for myself that kind of keep me at what I think of as my "bare minimum" of "healthy" and while I do keep up with these, I also recognize that sometimes it feels like they hold me back or hamstring me.

Two examples that are forefront of my mind - exercising and showering.  (Yes, those are sometimes related but not the point right now!)

With "exercising", for a long time now I've promised myself I would do a "bare minimum" of twenty minutes of walking in place in my apartment (or around my apartment, often when on a call with someone).  I started this when I was very unwell and really finding myself unable to get out to the gym or outside at all and so I felt like doing something was better than doing nothing at all.  When I got my Apple watch from my parents, I set my "exercise" ring to 20 minutes and I'd make sure I hit it.  At some point I upped it to 40 minutes a day and I make sure I hit that every day.  BUT.... if I've hit that goal already (closed that ring) I find that I don't want to do anything else - like the other day I'd exercised at home but found myself thinking I could maybe just pop over to the gym but then I was like no, that would add too many exercise minutes to my watch even though I could leave the watch at home, it's like this mental block.  And honestly, Apple exercise doesn't help because if you do the monthly challenges (which I feel like I have to try to do) they will often UP the amounts you did the month before and so sometimes I'm finding myself having to hit 50 minutes 14 times a month and that just stresses me out, honestly.

So I like the tracker, but I also know that I sometimes cheat to get it to "win" and I also resist going over so I don't feel/get pressured to do the same next month.  Sigh.  Not super helpful, right?  Oh and I will spend hours (seriously) stressing about how I'm going to get my exercise in for that day.  I now have a "bare minimum" of getting to the gym for cardio (it's so much more cardio there, it just is) once a week and that feels like pressure the later in the week I get.  And like on a regular (non work) day I debate if I want to go to the gym or am I just going to exercise at home and then if I have something to do that day it really gets stressful like the clock is ticking and going to the gym is a lot of effort (for me) and takes up a lot of time vs doing it at home is like 40 minutes and done.  Sigh.  It's all a lot.  A lot of brain thinking.  Too much.  Not helpful, really.

And then there's showering.

My Mum was a nurse, and had a lot of things she passed on that were health/cleanliness based.  Like, people often think it's odd, but I don't shower in the morning.  I never have.  I wash at the end of the day to "get off the day's germs".  Makes total sense to me.  I think it's super weird that people get into bed with all of the day's germs and dirt and whatever still on them and then get that all over either their pyjamas or sheets or both and like it seems like marinating in yuck.  

I don't always shower RIGHT before bed, I'll shower at the end of a work day if I feel gross enough to do so, and I'll shower in the evenings, or if I need to wash my hair, a little earlier (for drying purposes but hey that's another measure of temperatures changing, my hair is taking SOOOOO long to dry these days.)  I'll wash after the gym to get the sweat off, etc.  But the point of this is that once I have showered for the day/evening, it feels like I'm "done".

I'll shower, put on comfy clothes and my brain/system is like DAY IS OVER WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE NOW!  Which isn't always true, especially if I've showered post gym mid-morning or something but sometimes I do feel like I think "well I'm showered and changed, I can't go out now."  

I don't know if I'm explaining these things right, or these feelings right, but it feels like I'm trying to keep myself healthy but then also sort of limiting myself.

Sometimes I think I should purposely miss hitting my movement goal for the day but then I'd lose my streak, and I can't bring myself to do that!  I know friends who have an apple watch don't care about the awards or the streaks or the challenges, and maybe it'd be better for me if I did but I'm also not willing to risk turning back into a version of myself who does nothing and literally doesn't leave the house some days.  (I added that one to my "bare minimum" a couple of years ago... I have to physically step outside every day... it used to be I just made myself go downstairs in my building every day to make sure I was leaving my apartment, but then I added going actually outside.... that feels lame to admit....)

I'm hoping that bringing some awareness to my "outside" thoughts (rather than just ruminating internally about this) will let me maybe make some positive and helpful changes, but yeah....

I seem to be struggling a bit with the idea that in having these rules or expectations for myself I'm also sometimes limiting myself.  The call is coming from inside the house and all that jazz....