The Ease Of It

I've been (re)watching an older tv show set around teenagers (as one does!) and certain unexpected things are triggering "I wish I was back in highschool" feelings.

Like, of all things, the kids walking holding their textbooks.  Such a felt memory sort of sensation.  Those big books, full of knowledge and learning.

Sure, I've taken courses since high school but somehow they weren't the same feeling, and certainly my last few courses were all digital (or in my case, print out the digital work cuz PAPER PLEASE).

I don't suppose it's actually about the textbooks (cuz just typing this is reminding me how damn expensive textbooks were in University) but more about the freedom and ease you don't even necessarily know you have in high school.

And it's probably in part from my nieces being around that highschool age too (and slightly over it in some cases... sigh).  

I wish I could go back and FULLY enjoy that freedom in a way you can really only do with the perspective of age and "adulthood".

And for sure I've said it before but I wish I could go back to "free" classes (tax funded but you know what I mean).  

I bet if I could pop momentarily into my brain at that time I would be like NOPE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN and I'm sure time is putting on rose coloured glasses and I know high school wasn't easy for me but right now?  It really would be nice to have someone (else) paying my rent and for my food and clothing and that any money I earned was for whatever I wanted it to be for.  Like saving up for that Rip Curl (or was it Billabong?) hoodie I bought in Hawaii since my parents refused to.  (Yes, spoiled and privileged life for sure)

I don't want to relive my highschool days exactly, and no I don't think they were the "glory days" or anything like that, I just guess I miss being free and learning for free and not having to worry about too too much.  

I miss carrying textbooks down the hallway and looking for the person you have a crush on even though you've never spoken you just think they're SO SO cute.

I maybe miss the me that went to parties and events and danced and played sports.  And I should probably just not spin out on this with all the things I miss, so the point is.... in retrospect, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, eh?