Xmas Itself

So how was my Christmas this year anyway?

Well, that's a little bit of a complex answer, to be honest.

Christmas has gotten progressively harder and more stressful for me over the last few decades (ish?)  I'm sure I've gone into this here before, but the worst Christmas I had was within the last decade when I had a massive massive panic attack and ended up sleeping the entire day at Jason's (who had heard how bad I was over the phone and insisted on coming to pick me up and watch over me).  

It was after that year that I decided to make a concerted effort to reduce whatever pressure I'd been feeling and see if I could get through the holidays without hating it.

The lead up to this Christmas, quite honestly, has been the smoothest in a long while.  My parents had committed to going out of town to see one brother and family and I had an invite to join them (I chose not to), and an invite to be with my other brother (I chose not to) and an invite, as always, to join C-Dawg and family.  (Which I so very much appreciate and I hope she knows that.)

So my plan was to see my folks before they left and then have Christmas day and dinner at Jason's as we've done for a few years now.  Nice and quiet and lower stress.  Phew!

Aaaaaand then... the week before Christmas, Jason's roommate tested positive for Covid.  They're pretty sure he picked it up at a staff holiday party as much of their staff went down with it over that week and, well, I wasn't willing to knowingly put myself in the same space as someone with Covid.  (It's one thing to be out and about being aware I'm probably near someone with Covid or something else, it's entirely another thing to knowingly go into a space with someone who has active Covid.  Sigh.)

I also wasn't willing to go over there before seeing my parents, so I didn't see Jason for the week before Christmas (I usually go over once or twice a week for dinner and a hang out) and only saw him for about an hour when we went shopping for Christmas dinner... which we still weren't sure where that was going to happen but probably at my place?  (Oh lord?)

I was bummed at this change of plans as when I'm at Jasons I get to fully relax but hosting someone is less relaxing but I wasn't willing to go to his Covid house (and the dude who had Covid was NOT thoughtful about it until a family member of his yelled at him for being inconsiderate but that's a whole other story I'm not getting into right now, if ever) and so this was the compromise and I had a week to wrap my brain around it and be ok with it.

I got very anxious the night before about the logistics of it, to be honest.  I don't cook here, not really, and I have certainly never used all of the burners AND the oven at the same time and OMG what if it blew a breaker?  (No, seriously, I had this thought... Jason assured me it'd be fine.. but hey, anxiety amiright? sigh.)

I worried that Jason would hate cooking at my place - he assured me he'd bring over what he needed... pots, pans, spices, etc.  I still stressed.  I worried he'd forget something but he told me he'd make lists and it would be ok.  We bought the groceries and I brought them to my place, and on Christmas Eve, I tidied up my kitchen to make as much counter space as possible and I tried to tell myself it would all be just fine. 

Jason's sleep schedule has been messed up lately so I didn't expect to hear from him too too early on Christmas day so I puttered around and sent my good wishes to everyone and I waited for him to wake up.  (His plan was that I'd come pick him up and drive him home so he could have a couple of drinks, and he'd said as long as we started by 2 at the latest it'd be fine.)

Around 1pm Christmas day Jason messaged me that he was feeling very unwell.  He'd eaten a rich breakfast that morning and it was not agreeing with him and would I be ok if we postponed making dinner until the next day - Boxing Day.

I replied that that would be fine.

But two minutes after I sent the text I realized that it would very much not be fine and that I wasn't ok with this.

Not with not having a Christmas dinner, that's ok, but with not seeing anyone on Christmas Day.

I had a bit of a panic attack.

I knew I could take up my brother's offer.  Or C-Dawg's offer but I really really really didn't want to.  It felt like I would be imposing, very much last minute and I didn't want to do that to anyone.  I thought about driving out to see my brother and family for a while, but I knew they were going to the in laws in a few hours and I didn't want to make the long (they live a ways away) drive just for a short visit.  Plus I knew I wasn't at my best and... yeah.

I *KNEW* for a fact that if I told C-Dawg what was going on that she would insist on me coming over and so when she asked if Jason was making me dinner I ignored the question to avoid the issue.  I lied I guess.  By omission.  

Sigh.

You guys?  It got bad.  Never in my life have I not been with someone I care about on Christmas day.  Up until a handful of years ago I was always with my family or part of my family, but for the last few years I have been with Jason.  I have never been alone.

I told myself I was alone by choice.  That I had options and was choosing not to take them.  But I was losing it.  I was spinning out on this being my first Christmas by myself.  BY MYSELF.  All because I put all my eggs in one basket.  I could have been with family.  Or friends.  But NO... I chose to be with Jason and he was bailing on me.  I was not ok.

I actually thought about waiting in the hallway of my building to run into a neighbour in the hallway just so that I could say I saw another human on Christmas day.  I tried to convince myself that I would be ok.  That yes it would be a first, but hey, haven't I been working to make Christmas less important?  Wouldn't this then just be the next phase of that?

But, I kept arguing... this wasn't by choice.  It would have been different if I had CHOSEN to be alone and by myself on Christmas day but I hadn't.  I had chosen to be with someone who was no longer able to follow through, yes due to medical/legit reasons but still.  I was not ok.

I'm not even describing how not ok I was but I was... not.  

I didn't post about it on social media because I didn't want the sympathy.  I didn't want the invites.  This is what anxiety can do... corner you between two crap situations.  I KNOW a ton of people would have been happy to have me come over, even "last minute" and I still didn't want to deal with that.  I can't explain it.  It's part of the panic/anxiety loop.  It's hard.

Oh and I didn't know how to cook any of the food that was there.  And I didn't have other food I could or wanted to cook so yeah, I made oatmeal.  It wasn't good.  But at least I ate, right?

The afternoon ticked on... what was I going to do?  How could I make this less awful?  What had I done?  It was evening now... people were having guests arrive, or had gone to their dinner place.  It was too late now.  The panic/freak out would come in waves.  Then the sadness.  Then the self blame.  Just cycle after cycle.

And then Jason woke up and sent me a text.  

How are you doing?  he asked.

NOT GOOD!  I replied.

I not very politely said that it would be helpful if he'd at least drive over so I could say I saw another human on Christmas day.

He said that that had been his plan all along and I have no way of knowing if that's accurate, as all I know is he did not communicate that and that would have made a huge difference for me knowing that I wasn't going to be alone alone.

So around 8:30 that night Jason came over.  I was terse and hurt at first, but then there was a huge sense of relief that I wasn't going to "not see another human" on Christmas day after all.  I told him it had helped a lot and that I was grateful he had come over after all.

We exchanged gifts and hung out for about an hour or so and then he went home to go back to sleep.  

I was ok by then.  But shaken.  I'm obviously not as "over" Christmas as I thought I was.  It still has this huge power and meaning for me that messed me up even though my lead up to the day was calm and relaxed for the most part.

(I also feel like I spent way way way too much money on others and for emotional and financial reasons I'd like to reduce that guilt spending too.  Sigh.)

So, yeah, my Christmas had some really really really rough times but in the end it was fine.  And yes, I'll probably talk to a counsellor about the whole thing, cuz I can tell it was a big deal. 

I hope your Christmas (or whatever you do or don't celebrate) was calmer than some of the moments of mine and I hope you're feeling positive and hopeful about this brand new year.