Phew

These last two months have been a real struggle.  Not just for me, I'm sure.

I really don't want to start talking about what's going in in and with America right now as it really sets of my anxiety and I'm trying not to do that, but fuck.  It's awful.  

So January was the LA fires, which got me incredibly stressed and upset, and then worry about my 50th and then I got sick sick and then a bunch of things happened with my family (it took me to a very dark place) and meanwhile America's new old president came in to power and started effing everything up and threatening my country and so now when I shop I don't just consider price and ingredients and health and environmental impacts, I also look to make sure it's not made in or from America and while I'm bitter enough to do this, it is an added mental stress for sure.

And then the sick lasted and is still lingering in a cough a bit and then I went back to work and that was exhausting and meanwhile things in the outer world are not letting up and I just want a break that I am not able to find or take and like especially with being sick, these last four or six weeks are all a blur and a merged experience. 

I hadn't seen my counsellor in ages since I had to cancel an appointment due to my illness and when I did I was like oh and then this and then THIS and then this and then THIS!!! and he asked how I had gotten through it all and I was confused by the question because it doesn't and didn't feel like I did?

Like, I get what he's saying I think - I'm physically still here so that's evidence that I coped?  But I don't feel like I did cope or am coping but maybe that's why I go to a counsellor - to get that outside perspective.

But I do not feel like I am handling things and I think too much to completely block it out.  And I'm not talking honestly about it to anyone so it's probably all just swirling and festering away inside me and that's not a good thing.

Anyway.  Just was looking at the date and realizing it's been over a month since I got sick and that the first two months of this year haven't been easy, simple, clear, or anything.