Making Peace With Things

When people write what sometimes later become clichés, they are often describing something that is common throughout the human experience. Something that transcends race or gender or age. And while I'm not particularly interested in discovering why a saying that has meaning loses its power through overuse, I am interested in the truth that I'm currently finding in the idea that "It is always darkest before dawn."

The past several months, for me, with regards to Smith, have been difficult ones; the past few weeks incredibly so.

And it's not as if our situation has changed, but I'm starting to make peace with things. I'm more able to let go of trying to control the situation. I'm calmer and more accepting of the fact that the universe knows what it's doing. I've come to understand that in trying to force the relationship I have made it untenable, even though that's not quite the right use of that word.

We've talked about our relationship, Smith and I, over and over and over. And while there isn't a resolution to be had, I feel now like I've been heard, and I feel like I'm listening to him. It's not easy, and I still can't tell you how things are going to end, or even if they ever are, but right now I'm ok.

Which brings me back to the thought I started with; things with relationships seem to get better for me only after they've been really really bad. It seems the more important the problem, the more invested and involved with it I am, the harder I have to crash through everything before it starts to feel better.

With Smith and I, it's like I had to get in the worst possible place, get right in there, be hurt and angry and disappointed and devastated and lost. I had to feel all those things, feel like there was no way out. Once I felt that, it freed me up to be clear and honest. Maybe it was the sense that I had nothing to lose; it made me look at everything in an unemotional way. It made me look clearly at what I was feeling and doing and I saw things that were fair and things that were unfair.

Somehow hitting my absolute bottom in this relationship let me see that I wasn't the only one who mattered, and in finding that, I found I was able to feel like I could let things go. Let go of what I wanted because it was hurting him. And that's not love.

Maybe for the first time ever, I've truly understood the meaning behind another well-used saying: If you love something, set it free.

When you really love someone, not selfishly, not because of what you want from them, but because you love who they are, you want them to find peace. I had really hoped that I'd bring that to Smith; and now I can. By understanding that he needs to be where he is and follow a path that doesn't appear to lead him to me, I can let him do that. And that's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

I'm making peace with things.

For now, at least. And I'm really hoping it lasts.

I'm not expecting Smith to come back to me, as the saying goes, but I'm not ruling it out either.

If it's meant to be, it will be. Until then, I need to let it go and just have faith in the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing. I know where my heart is. And I know where my heart will be until time, or a new love makes it otherwise. I can't force this relationship to go the way I'd most like it to and I can't force myself to stop loving Smith.

I'm not sure I've made myself entirely clear in this post. I guess I just wanted to say that although things have been really bad lately, it feels like they're getting better.... no, that's not it; it feels like I'm getting better.



And that's a relief.




Barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon. - Masahide