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N.B. Whatever is going on with Smith and I is nothing if not fluid. As soon as I'm sure things are one way, we talk and things shift subtly. So, while this post was exactly what I was thinking and feeling a couple of nights ago, it's no longer quite where things are at. Really, right now, I'm inclined to delete this post, but on the other hand it's a valid representation of where I was just a breath ago and so I think I'll let it stand. Things aren't different, particularly, and nothing's "fixed", but I'm feeling better. I'm calm and I'm OK. For now. : ) Long story short, don't feel obliged to read this, kay? Kay! Or, read it, but don't be surprised if it deletes itself someday.

I'm going to stop banging my head against the wall long enough to write this post out and then I'm going back to it.

I figure it's about time I flagellate myself publicly over what an idiot I'm being with the whole Smith thing.

Because, really, could it be any clearer that this isn't going to work out? How many more times do I have to hear this guy say he just can't/won't/isn't going to come out here? How much longer am I going to sit here waiting for a decision to be finalized when it's already fairly obvious that it. has. been. made. already.

I think, most often, realizing you're doing something really stupid takes a while because there are so many other things that get in the way.

Like hope.

See, I'm at a place in my life right now where I want to settle down with The Right Guy. I want to have someone to travel with and hang out with and live in a tiny apartment so we can save up to buy a house with. I want to get engaged and look for a house and choose a dog together and get married and have a honeymoon and have deep discussions about having children and what does it all mean? I want to live my life with a great guy who is my best friend. Even when we fight. I want that. And I know they say "be careful what you wish for" and that a life with The Right Guy will probably not be what I'm expecting but I still want it. And while I've been seeing Smith (or whatever we're supposed to call the last six months of crap) I've imagined doing all these things. With him.

I think that whole 'what I want in my life' dream is why I'm having such a hard time just giving up and writing Smith off as just another relationship that didn't work. Oh, and could it maybe be compounded by the fact that I have no idea if this relationship actually works in person over time, that I have only 18 or 19 days of face time with this guy? Which, really, logically, should make it easier to end, right? Except it doesn't because I'm an idiot who sees the best in everyone and always waits for the happy ending to come. I want to believe that all the good things we've done together, all the things we've overcome and worked through actually mean something.

But, damn, I feel like a fool right now. I've spent the last few months holding up hope for this relationship all by myself. I've believed enough for the two of us. And to come to the "wait and see" expiration date to find out that I waited for something that didn't really exist anywhere but in my own mind is kicking my ass.

Doubly so because this is too damn close to what I did during my last significant relationship. When my charming (ha!) Ex (let's call him Drunk Dialer) left town for nine months, I told him I'd wait until he got back. We had had the most amazing start to our relationship, quite stunning, really, and I was willing to wait for him to come back. And I did. I even remember one night at a party turning down this beautiful guy because "I was kind of seeing someone". And then D.D. came back and within a month told me it wasn't going to work and he just "wasn't boyfriend material". Right. The old "it's not you, it's me" crap.

So now here I am again; I waited for a guy because I wanted the relationship to continue and now it's not going to. Turned down a couple of dates because "I'm kind of in a relationship". Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupider. Fool me once, and all that.

So if my anger at myself seems excessive to you, it's probably because there's more to it than just the past six months.

And, damn, I'm angry with myself. I can't begin to tell you how stupid it makes you feel to realize that you've been on a different page from the person you love for so long and all those excuses you made for why things didn't seem right were due, not to the fact that he was under stress, but to the fact that he doesn't want this the way you do. Or maybe, even, at all. Excusing behaviour that you wouldn't have put up with otherwise because you thought you were on the same page and he just needed (insert stupid womanly thought in here, like, space, or support, or time). So stupid.

Or can I tell you how angry it makes you feel to think back, or worse, look back on things that were said when you first met. To recall promises that were made and realize that they never meant anything because if they had you wouldn't be having this conversation with yourself. If he'd meant everything he'd said when you first started falling in love, he'd be making this work. It makes you sick to your stomach to think you believed him. To remember what you felt and what you hoped for based on those words that have turned out to be untrue. Lies, maybe. Fluff, definitely.

As if all the above isn't enough, I'm angrier still because I know I'm not walking away fast enough. Oh, sure, I'm maybe turning away, kind of backing away slowly but I'm still not completely done. I'm still waiting for that last scene, the one where he realizes he's wrong and comes back. The one where he realizes it's worth it all to be with me. The romantic one that makes everything I've gone through worthwhile.

And that pisses me off more than anything else.

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