Friday, 3 August 2007


N.B. Whatever is going on with Smith and I is nothing if not fluid. As soon as I'm sure things are one way, we talk and things shift subtly. So, while this post was exactly what I was thinking and feeling a couple of nights ago, it's no longer quite where things are at. Really, right now, I'm inclined to delete this post, but on the other hand it's a valid representation of where I was just a breath ago and so I think I'll let it stand. Things aren't different, particularly, and nothing's "fixed", but I'm feeling better. I'm calm and I'm OK. For now. : ) Long story short, don't feel obliged to read this, kay? Kay! Or, read it, but don't be surprised if it deletes itself someday.

I'm going to stop banging my head against the wall long enough to write this post out and then I'm going back to it.

I figure it's about time I flagellate myself publicly over what an idiot I'm being with the whole Smith thing.

Because, really, could it be any clearer that this isn't going to work out? How many more times do I have to hear this guy say he just can't/won't/isn't going to come out here? How much longer am I going to sit here waiting for a decision to be finalized when it's already fairly obvious that it. has. been. made. already.

I think, most often, realizing you're doing something really stupid takes a while because there are so many other things that get in the way.

Like hope.

See, I'm at a place in my life right now where I want to settle down with The Right Guy. I want to have someone to travel with and hang out with and live in a tiny apartment so we can save up to buy a house with. I want to get engaged and look for a house and choose a dog together and get married and have a honeymoon and have deep discussions about having children and what does it all mean? I want to live my life with a great guy who is my best friend. Even when we fight. I want that. And I know they say "be careful what you wish for" and that a life with The Right Guy will probably not be what I'm expecting but I still want it. And while I've been seeing Smith (or whatever we're supposed to call the last six months of crap) I've imagined doing all these things. With him.

I think that whole 'what I want in my life' dream is why I'm having such a hard time just giving up and writing Smith off as just another relationship that didn't work. Oh, and could it maybe be compounded by the fact that I have no idea if this relationship actually works in person over time, that I have only 18 or 19 days of face time with this guy? Which, really, logically, should make it easier to end, right? Except it doesn't because I'm an idiot who sees the best in everyone and always waits for the happy ending to come. I want to believe that all the good things we've done together, all the things we've overcome and worked through actually mean something.

But, damn, I feel like a fool right now. I've spent the last few months holding up hope for this relationship all by myself. I've believed enough for the two of us. And to come to the "wait and see" expiration date to find out that I waited for something that didn't really exist anywhere but in my own mind is kicking my ass.

Doubly so because this is too damn close to what I did during my last significant relationship. When my charming (ha!) Ex (let's call him Drunk Dialer) left town for nine months, I told him I'd wait until he got back. We had had the most amazing start to our relationship, quite stunning, really, and I was willing to wait for him to come back. And I did. I even remember one night at a party turning down this beautiful guy because "I was kind of seeing someone". And then D.D. came back and within a month told me it wasn't going to work and he just "wasn't boyfriend material". Right. The old "it's not you, it's me" crap.

So now here I am again; I waited for a guy because I wanted the relationship to continue and now it's not going to. Turned down a couple of dates because "I'm kind of in a relationship". Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupider. Fool me once, and all that.

So if my anger at myself seems excessive to you, it's probably because there's more to it than just the past six months.

And, damn, I'm angry with myself. I can't begin to tell you how stupid it makes you feel to realize that you've been on a different page from the person you love for so long and all those excuses you made for why things didn't seem right were due, not to the fact that he was under stress, but to the fact that he doesn't want this the way you do. Or maybe, even, at all. Excusing behaviour that you wouldn't have put up with otherwise because you thought you were on the same page and he just needed (insert stupid womanly thought in here, like, space, or support, or time). So stupid.

Or can I tell you how angry it makes you feel to think back, or worse, look back on things that were said when you first met. To recall promises that were made and realize that they never meant anything because if they had you wouldn't be having this conversation with yourself. If he'd meant everything he'd said when you first started falling in love, he'd be making this work. It makes you sick to your stomach to think you believed him. To remember what you felt and what you hoped for based on those words that have turned out to be untrue. Lies, maybe. Fluff, definitely.

As if all the above isn't enough, I'm angrier still because I know I'm not walking away fast enough. Oh, sure, I'm maybe turning away, kind of backing away slowly but I'm still not completely done. I'm still waiting for that last scene, the one where he realizes he's wrong and comes back. The one where he realizes it's worth it all to be with me. The romantic one that makes everything I've gone through worthwhile.

And that pisses me off more than anything else.



Blogger The Ex said...

Sometimes no decision IS a decision, you know.

I hate hate hate I could have very easily written this same blog. I hated myself for a very long time after realizing I was completely incapable of walking away. He finally did and I think it hurt more than if I had done it.

Don't worry, dear.

Friday, August 03, 2007 11:20:00 am  
Blogger Likalia said...

Sometimes I think perhaps it would be better if we weren't sentient. If we didn't have the ability to analyze and over analyze situations. To dream of futures yet to pass, and remember past events. Yes they all join together to make us who we are, but some things would definitely be easier without them. :)

Friday, August 03, 2007 1:19:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

The Ex, I've never really understood what that means, "no decision is a decision". Like, does that mean by not doing something you are deciding to do it?

The last day or so I haven't been so mad at myself for, as you say, "being incapable of walking away". I think it's a good thing, to believe and have hope and look for the best. But, yes, it can really suck. And yes, it usually makes it hurt worse when the other person ends it.


Just keep on trucking, right?

Friday, August 03, 2007 4:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Likalia, I said that to someone the other day...I kind of wish I had a labotomy. Then I wouldn't know I wasn't happy! ;) I do admire people who are more able to "just let things be" and go with the flow of whatever. I also agree that it would be easier if we didn't compare and dream and remember.

Nonetheless, thanks for the hug! : )

Friday, August 03, 2007 4:56:00 pm  
Blogger The Ex said...

His dragging his feet is saying no without really saying no. I think he may not want to hurt your feelings or maybe he's just unsure himself but if it was real and true and meant to be, he'd be there with you.

At least, that's my two cents.

I'm hugging too!

Saturday, August 04, 2007 12:14:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's what I think a lot too, and I say that to him; "If you just don't want to do this, then say so, I'd rather you did, and I'll be ok"

I believe too that if he really wanted to be here he would be, but then I end up wondering if that's just unfair romanticism. I dunno.

Is it really just that simple? Especially when you don't know if the relationship/girl is worth it?


I'll take your hugs too! :D

Saturday, August 04, 2007 12:59:00 pm  
Anonymous ynbf said...

There are the good, the bad and the ugly.

The good guys are the ones who say
"Yes, I'm committed to you!"

The bad guys are the ones who say
"No, I don't want to commit to you. Bye!"

The uglies are the cowards who refuse
to give you a straight answer.

No one wants to play the bad guys but I have as
much respect for the bad guys as I do for the
good guys. They know what they want and draws
exact boundaries.

I have no respect for cowards who want you
to play the bad guy. They are full of fluff,
don't know what they want and over-step
boundaries. Let me be more exact about
the boundaries:

"I want to settle down with The Right Guy.
I want to have someone to travel with and
hang out with..."

I don't know much about law but I know that
this is your unalienable rights (human rights)
to the pursuit of happiness. The US Supreme
Court ruled against the "Racial Integrity Act
of 1924"
that "The freedom to marry has long
been recognized as one of the vital personal
rights essential to the orderly pursuit of
happiness by free men."

If someone is denying you this, they are
over-stepping their boundaries. Forcing
someone to wait 3/4 of a year is definitely
over-stepping their boundaries, even if they
came back and said yes. A person is most
eligible for marriage between the ages of
25-35 and to leave a person hanging for almost
a year is just plain cowardly.

Saturday, August 04, 2007 4:35:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Okay, not meaning to be devil's advocate here but maybe it bothers him that you're not willing to visit him, let alone move? Just a speculation.
I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt but that said, I put my life on hold for 3 years for my long-distance relationship. (Unfortunately the week we had together in person was the best week of my life, making it even harder to let go.) Gosh I'm a big help here. ;(
I do believe you will have your happily-ever-after, with or without Smith. Big hugs to you, girl.

Saturday, August 04, 2007 4:37:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

YNBF, I like your idea of the good, the bad and the ugly guys. I also, understand what you're saying about having some respect for the bad guy. It is better to hear "no, not interested, bye" than "well, I would if I could...but...."

I do see your point about that.

I suppose all I'd add is that I haven't been forced to wait; that's been my own choice. I guess you could argue that by him not ending things he was forcing me to wait, but I don't know.

I certainly see what you're saying and I'm going to think about it. So, thanks.

Saturday, August 04, 2007 5:26:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yvonne, I love devil's advocates, so no apologies for playing one! :)
I know that it bothers Smith that I'm not willing to move. As for the visit, I would have, but what with the timing of his program and my classes...I didn't think I could and now he has said he just wants time to himself. I was going to visit. But now I'm not. But, yes. I know the "me not moving" thing bothers him. We've talked about it and I've explained my position.

I too hope for my happily ever after. Thanks : )

Saturday, August 04, 2007 5:29:00 pm  
Blogger Tod said...

It's not foolish to want something good from a relationship. I have not commented on your relationship posts because I don't always think it is particularly helpful to barge in with points of view too much.

As for the same page thing. After twenty years together I sometimes wonder can two people ever be completely on the same page.

Sunday, August 05, 2007 3:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, I don't mind "barging" Tod : ) It kind of helps me sort through what I'm thinking to hear another point of view, I guess. Sometimes!
And while it may not be foolish to want something good, after a while of waiting for something good you do tend to feel kind of dumb. Like, hello? The bus doesn't seem to stop at this stop but you've been sitting here for three days watching it go past!

And, yes, I don't know that two people can ever really be on the same page completely. *shrug*

Sunday, August 05, 2007 10:54:00 am  

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