Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Line It Up

It was just over a year ago that Smith and I met, got together, and got serious, all in one breath, seemingly.

Most of you, if you've been reading here long enough, know the rest of the story, or at least the bits I shared with you. The outline, the Cole's Notes, the "based on a true story" version of our relationship.

And you know how it ended and you know some of the struggles I've been through, personally, trying to push through those struggles and move on from him and us and what might have been.

But you don't know it all, you can't. No one does, except for me, and I'm still working on figuring it out what it means and who I am now, because so much has changed for me since this time last year and I'm not who I was then and that's good. That's life. That's growing. It's good. It's better, it'll be better, but I don't know quite how or when.

And this? This now? This me? Has never dated before. Has never been in a relationship before. I have all these old patterns and habits and they're all I know. But I can't do them any more, I can't rush into something. I can't sleep with someone I don't know just because I want to. I can't be "madly in love" with someone I just met. But I've never not done it that way.

I don't know any other way and after a seriously lame experience last month where I started seeing a guy and talking with him and wondering about him and he just bailed out on what was turning into a friendship with possibility, I really felt I didn't have, don't have, the emotional energy to try to learn how to be in a relationship with the changes I've gone through. Maybe it was all just too much too soon.

I don't know.

I'm not sure this post is making much sense. I'm trying to start trying to make sense, you know? Am figuring it out. I think.

This post isn't about Smith. It isn't about the guy who let me down. It's about me trying to balance and center myself and trying to figure out why the universe won't just let me do that.

Sure, there's more to be said, y'all know that. But one post at a time people, one post at a time.

Updated to add: Damn. I used the same photo twice. Must be slipping!


Anonymous TomH said...

Gather all your local friends togeather and get lots of hugs! Get lots of hugs everyday from everyone who will hug you. NO KISSES just hugs!

Here is one from me [hug].

This treatment is helping me and I'm starting to come around. Maybe I'll blog that someday. For now know you are not alone.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008 12:35:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hugs are awesome Tom! : )

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 4:54:00 pm  
Blogger George said...

If you had not changed after a couple of things that didn't go correctly, you would continue making the same mistakes ... no?

Sometimes it doesn't take a very big change to make a big difference. Sometimes all it takes is using your head a bit more and talking to yourself ... ask yourself questions.

Anybody can do that ... what takes courage is to answer the questions honestly and not to say what you think you want to hear.

Be well.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 5:25:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

True, true, George... no change? Same mistakes :)


Tuesday, February 12, 2008 5:42:00 pm  
Blogger Delton said...

I always enjoy watching from afar as you go through all of this, continuing to struggle, continuing to figure stuff out, continuing to try to understand any of it at all. I don't envy the pain or difficulties that you're dealing with, but it's what keeps me coming back, day after day. Wondering how you're doing, wondering what new insights you may have had.

All the best as you continue the journey.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 9:43:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Delton : )

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 7:57:00 am  
Blogger Yvonne said...

ah, boys. Can't live with them, can't kill them. And they can be wonderful at times. Why is it all so hard?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 8:38:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Maybe it's all worth it in the end?

; )

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:25:00 pm  
Blogger Kelly said...

I stumbled upon your blog a couple weeks ago and I've been loving reading through your archives! The whole Smith saga reminds me so much of my most recent relationship; sometimes I honestly forget that I'm reading your words because I have gone through so many of the same struggles as you. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing - it helps so much to hear someone going through similar ups and downs!

Thursday, February 28, 2008 1:51:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awwww, well thanks Kelly! It's always cool for me to hear that someone else has gone through (or is going through) similar stuff because it makes me feel more... sane. You know? : )

Thursday, February 28, 2008 2:54:00 pm  

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