Just Breathe

So, Bird.

Sigh.

I've known Bird for a while now and while we don't really spend a lot of time together socially, we run into each other about once a month or so and it's always nice to hang out.

I feel really comfortable around Bird, and I've always been really straight with him about where I'm at and how, while I was attracted to him, I didn't want to "get together" with him because it was a habit I was trying to break, and oh, I dunno, the little fact of him never responding with a "gee, yeah, maybe we should take a shot at a relationship" or anything.

(Hi. I'm not making sense, I know. Just pretend I am, okay? Thanks.)

A few months back, Bird and I made plans a couple of times to hang out one on one, not with our normal group. I was looking forward to it because at the best I figured it could be the start of something and at the worst, I knew it'd be cool to hang out as friends.

But then Bird didn't follow through on our hanging out. And I got disappointed and hurt and, I guess, frustrated that I'd considered putting myself out there emotionally with someone who would just not call when they said they were going to.

So I went through a rough time of feeling frustrated and feeling awkward and bitter when I had to see him and then I decided to just move on; that he wasn't worth it.

And then I started hanging out with Runner Guy. (Who, by the way, has just stopped calling or emailing. And while I'm not entirely surprised, it still seems a little rude and sudden to me, but..."whatever" as the girls from The Hills might say)

But I missed the closeness Bird and had and the friendship we'd started so when we were all hanging out last month I got up the courage to pull him aside and say "Hey, what happened sucked and I'm hurt and I thought we were starting to be friends." And so we talked it over and hugged and made up and it was really good to clear the air although I never really got a clear understanding of why he hadn't followed through, I really didn't feel it was worth hashing over and creating drama about. So I moved on.

And started having feelings for Bird all over again, but not in any way that was uncomfortable, just in a sort of back of my head "I wonder if he'd be a good guy to date, he sure is attractive and gives good hugs" kind of way.

And then Bird got hurt. Ended up the hospital after an accident kind of hurt and all of a sudden this big guy was all vulnerable and in pain and something snapped in me and all I wanted to do was kiss it all better for him.

I know...such a girl, right? Damn.

So we decided to hang out and I was reluctant because he didn't follow through last time, but was also willing to give him and our friendship another shot. (With that voice in my head also talking very loudly about all the "and what if's", of course.)

So last weekend we grabbed a movie and hung out at my place. And after the movie and some innocent (no, really) snuggling, we talked for a while. And this is where the post should really. I just had to give you the background story.

More Bird talk tomorrow...and probably the next day. This one may take me a few days to get through.

I'm not teasing y'all, I just really don't want to make you read a ten thousand word essay, you know?

Plus, this apartment won't clean itself.

Hold off on the yelling at me for a few days, would ya? My head kind of hurts today and I'm not sure I'm up for the wrath of y'all.