OK, Seriously, What The Frak*?

All I wanted was a movie. Something to finish off the night.

What I didn't want, was to run into my Ex. Again. For the second time in two nights.

Three years, I don't see this guy, and now I see him two nights in a row. Not OK. I'm not OK with that. He's invading my space. He's showing up in my territory. And, worse than that, it's all freaking me out just a little too much.

It was going to be a two minute trip; I knew exactly what I was going to rent and as I was motoring down the aisle to pick up the disc I heard someone call my name. And somehow as I turned I knew it was him. Wasn't surprised. Probably because I'd already seen him almost exactly 24 hours before that.

He'd shaved off his beard. That was the first thing I noticed.

He smelled like he'd had a few beers. That was the second thing I noticed.

He'd gotten himself a tattoo. That was the third thing I noticed.

I wanted him to both ask me out and disappear forever at the same time. That was the fourth thing I noticed.

We talked. Caught up on what he's been doing. And I can't remember if I ever mentioned this, but when I last spoke to Smith, I was irritated to hear that he was doing a lot of the things I'd suggested he do when he was struggling with things. At the time, it kind of felt like I'd had these helpful, great ideas but they weren't what he wanted. Until a year later when he suddenly came up with this great idea to do X,Y,Z, conveniently forgetting that that's exactly what I suggested when trying to "save" our relationship.

And now, I just got to have the same conversation with another Ex. He told me about how he's settling down. How he's tired of a job that takes him away for half a year at a time and how I would know better than most how hard that is. And he told me about how he's going to be wearing a suit, come fall, doing a "grown up" job. All the things he wasn't able, ready, or willing to do when we were together and I was suggesting things that would help make our relationship work.

And he asked me how the spy work was going and I told him it was good.

He asked me if I was going to an upcoming festival. I told him, honestly, that I didn't know. That I might be away that weekend. He told me he was surprised, that it was my thing, my favourite.

I was surprised that he'd noticed; that he'd known me that well.

He told me that he was doing really really well. That his friends all missed me; that I'd been their favourite. I smiled at this, he did have some cool people he hung out with... I just wish I'd known then that they liked me for who I was and didn't just like me because I was with him.

He seemed awkward, I could feel it, and that's probably fair seeing the way he ended things and the way he left me reeling and hurt. He got his phone out a couple of times and I was horrified that he might ask me for my number. In fact, when we started talking about what movies we were thinking of renting, I was scared witless that he might ask to come over and watch one with me.

I was equally scared that I might be so polite as to ask if he wanted to come over and watch one with me.

I might have, too.

And that scared me.

I told him I was sure I'd see him around and that it was good to see him. One of those things is true.

I don't want to see him around, I don't want to have to pretend he wasn't an ass to me. I don't want to pretend that I didn't love him. I don't want to pretend that I don't still think about him from time to time. I don't want to pretend that we didn't share the most magical moment I've ever had in my life; a moment we talked about later as being the most amazing connection either of us had ever shared. I don't want to pretend that he didn't leave me hurting.

But I can also see and know him well enough to know that he's not the guy who's able to have the conversation to move through all that stuff. He's not the guy to be friends with.

He's the guy, that if I do go to that festival, I'll make sure I go with friends; protection. And, he's the guy that the next time I'm out and about with Bird, I'll hope to run into. And he's the guy that I'll just let assume Bird is my boyfriend. Fiance. Husband. Lover. He's the guy I hope doesn't want to try to catch up on "old times." He's the guy I don't want to run into again because it's too much effort.

It was friendly, our meeting. I felt protective of his awkwardness; didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already seemed. I was polite, friendly, kind. I think I genuinely cared. I also wanted him to like me; to be attracted to me all over again. I wanted him to see everything he'd missed out on, everything he wasn't getting, everything he'd given up. I wanted him to want me and to leave, upset that he no longer had me. So I asked all the right questions and I smiled and nodded and listened when, really, most of me didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be catching up on his life and the things he's doing.

I was surprised at the choices he's made, it seems like he's losing part of what made him so charming, and that was a little sad. I wonder what more he might have wanted to say. I caught him mumbling about how strange it was to find himself talking to me in public after five years. He wondered why it made him so nervous.

Guilt, perhaps?

Looking at a genuinely good person that you treated poorly? That'll make you feel nervous, I'd guess.

It was strange seeing him. Even stranger talking to him. Downright bizarre playing the friendly ex-girlfriend who's all pulled together and happy to see you. Pulled together, I am, and I looked downright hot (he mentioned as much). Happy to see him? Not so much.

Strange. Strange. Strange.

I burst into tears when I got home. I'm not 100% sure why. Scared of what I might let myself get pulled back into? Sad for what I once dreamed we could build together? Hurt that he gave me up for something he's no longer pursuing?

I guess I'm happy that I was polite to him and that I cared about him as a person.

I'm also happy that I was able to call a couple friends and talk to some on line after it happened. And then watch my video. And then write out a post.

I just hope that as the next few days go by I don't keep hearing things he said pop into my head like I have for the past few hours.

And I also hope that I don't run into him again for a while. If ever.

Or that if I do, I'm on the arm of a super hot guy so that he thinks I'm not single, because then I wouldn't have to cringe every time the phone rings, wondering if it's him.

Now I just need to figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me.

Why, exactly, is this guy showing up now, after years? Y E A R S. And two nights in a row too. And why has he moved into my neighbourhood. And why does he still remember so much about me? And why do I care?

What am I supposed to learn? Figure out?

Anyone?

Please tell me we're not going to get back together.

He's not even that cute anymore.

Funny how that happens.

I think I need a drink. And a nap. I'm utterly exhausted.


*I'm on Season 3.