Saturday, 28 February 2009

L is for Love. And Lust. And Like.

And lots of other things, for that matter.

I think most of us can say we've been in love, or are in love, but when I get right down to thinking about it I think most of my previous relationships, (hmmm, all of my previous relationships?) were based on lust.

Or, at least, started with lust.

Which, ok, so there's no crime in lust, but when that's what you base your decisions on, especially before you know someone, I'm not sure that's the best way to go about things.

For me, at least.

I'm not sure I've ever been in a relationship that went 1. Like 2. Love 3. Lust. And maybe I should clarify by saying that when I talk about lust in this context, I mean getting intimate with someone. . . you know, making Looooooove. Or, in the case of lust, (fill in the blank with your euphemism for hot and heavy sex here.)

So that means I've never been in love with someone the first time we had sex. (Mom, that's because I'm still saving myself for marriage and am still a virgin, so yay!) (Ahem.) And I am envious of those of you who've been able to experience that.

I guess I've just always felt that when I feel that strong attraction or connection to someone that I wanted to express that physically, but I think I've learned that that wasn't love and it didn't even mean I knew the person enough to say I liked them. I think it meant my hormones short circuited things.

I think that I'd like to try it the other way next time. I think I'd like to really like and be in love with someone before I become physically intimate with them instead of going around in Lust with someone I barely know.

Have I babbled? Does this make any sense?

I hope so, because in some ways it feels like it's about self-respect and in other ways it feels like it's about waiting for what I deserve.

Because maybe it's even that much better when you get the love added in with the lust that first time you are with someone? Is it?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, it IS better that way round. By a long, long way. To the point that I haven't actually been all that interested in doing it the other way around ever since.

But putting it off that long can be hell! :)

(Let's hear it for falling in love with a girl who lived 200 miles away...)

Saturday, February 28, 2009 8:19:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good to hear D.

(And I'm assuming it was worth it?) :)

Saturday, February 28, 2009 9:55:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm not quite sure about this, to be honest. i firmly believe that relationship love includes a definite component of intimacy; part of it is based on your connection as lovers.

i also think that falling in love with someone is a gradual process, and is cultivated as you become more intimate with someone in all senses of the word. i suppose i believe, then, that one (or at least i) can't be truly "in love" with someone without experiencing that very important building block of an intimate connection.

does that make me a bad person? ha.

Saturday, February 28, 2009 1:23:00 pm  
Blogger Laura said...

I have been in both situations, and honestly the sex has always been better with people when I wasn't in love with them the first time. But I think that is just coincidence, don't worry!

I've only ever been with two people that I already loved by the time I slept with them. The first was my first time having sex, ever. Obviously that wasn't the greatest because neither of us knew what we were doing!

The second was my college boyfriend, and he just wasn't that great in the sack, frankly. But I loved him and was willing to work on that aspect of things because we were crazy about each other.

I haven't waited for anyone else. And I don't think I would wait more than 5 or 6 dates, honestly. Bu that time I know if there are real feelings there; that's enough for me!

Saturday, February 28, 2009 2:13:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

S, it's good to hear a different perspective, and no, it doesn't make you a bad person ;) I totally get what you're saying. :)

Laura, that's true, you probably would know by that point...

Saturday, February 28, 2009 3:00:00 pm  
Blogger The Civilian said...

Hmm...I have to say the best relationship I ever had was one in which we never had sex. She wanted to wait until marriage(we never got married) and I was ok with that. It was a great relationship because we actually got to know each other. Dates were when we spent time together, not just the thing you do before you go have sex. We were definitely in love, and I think it would have only made the sex better, because we already had a very close connection. If we had started having sex at the beginning, it's like you said, we would have short circuited everything, and wouldn't have gotten as close as we were. So sure, definitely, give it a try.

Saturday, February 28, 2009 7:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks for your perspective Civilian.

I know what you mean, I feel like I've been on a lot of "let's go do something before we go have sex" non-dates :)

Saturday, February 28, 2009 8:47:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, it was worth it. It only happened that way because of the distance tho. We both would have liked it to happen a lot sooner. Instead, we had to spend several months just talking a lot.

Which was nice, as Civilian says, as it meant we were incredibly close by the time it actually happened. Maybe TOO close, with hindsight..

I'm not entirely sure how waiting that long in a more "normal" relationship would work.. I wish you luck with it tho!

Sunday, March 01, 2009 3:41:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Thanks :)

Sunday, March 01, 2009 11:39:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I definitely think it's better. When you already have that connection with someone, it makes the sex that much more intimate. And when you wait until the point that you're in love with someone, the anticipation adds the extra element of excitement as well...mon deux cents :)

Sunday, March 01, 2009 11:43:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah? :)

Sunday, March 01, 2009 11:45:00 am  
Blogger Jonathan said...

I kind of afree from the viewpoint of a hopeless romantic, but it's kind of nice to know that it's not just guys who act on strong physical attraction too.

At risk of being shouted at, I also think it's funny that girls analyze and worry about this stuff in such extreme detail... whatever happened to living each day as it happens, rather than dissecting tomorrow and all your yesterdays ?

Sunday, March 01, 2009 2:13:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

We're not allowed to Jonathan, it's in our guidebook/rulebook. ;)

Sunday, March 01, 2009 3:38:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish my next relationship would be in that order too... my orevious ones were all short circuited.. and when they are over I just realise how I tend to mistake lust for love from the guy's part of course!!!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009 3:28:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I hear ya!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009 11:11:00 am  
Blogger Nitin said...

You have lived that part of life. Everybody can make some lines on that but i feel same like you about lust and love. Since, we don't know what is love? we get in touch and follow ourself. How do we decide that? we all know wrong and right! But practical is always different what we keep in our mind. So, real is what u live. Perhaps, bitter or sweet. U have lived. Now? i appreciate life in all ways. Still, looking for true love. . .

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 12:33:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...


Wednesday, March 04, 2009 12:52:00 pm  
Blogger Martini said...

Just found your blog and am enjoying catching up!

Sunday, March 08, 2009 5:44:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Well, yay! Welcome :)

Sunday, March 08, 2009 5:52:00 pm  
Blogger Laurene said...

let's wait for that! do tell if it happened already. :]

Friday, August 07, 2009 8:26:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Not yet :)

Friday, August 07, 2009 4:12:00 pm  

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