Wednesday, 16 December 2009

They Say That Things Just Can Not Grow Beneath The Winter Snow *


I've had a crush on a married man.

I even currently have a crush on a man who's engaged.

But I won't act on it.

Whenever there's infidelity, there are two people who do it. Two people who knowingly allow the cheating to happen.

I understand hormones and intensity and the appeal of the un-allowed, but there's someone else involved. A husband. A wife. A committed partner.

It's one thing to sit (as I do sometimes) and have dreamy thoughts about an unavailable co-worker. But to be the woman who sleeps with a married man is wrong. Where's the loyalty to your sisters? Where's the respect? Where's your self-worth?

Why do we always focus on the man. What about the woman who *knew* she was entering into a relationship with a man who was already IN a relationship?

I could never do that to another woman. I will never do that to another woman.

I wish we all felt the same way.

* (Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson)

16 Comments:

Blogger Wednesday said...

i understand and agree with you. i remember a friend telling me that there is that one person she thinks is The One--but as the song goes, "they had the right love at the wrong time." you know that one man you just know you will end up with in the end? before breaking up ultimately, they talked and said how if that right time came and they already had their families, will they be willing to leave their current lives for that thing they've been waiting for in so long. and they agreed they would.

is that still wrong?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 8:21:00 am  
Blogger Jordan said...

I have a problem with cookies. If there are cookies in the house I will eat them all.. not necessarily all at once.. first maybe 2... then 1, 1, 3.... then one more.. at this point I'll walk away, and read for a few minutes.. then I'll go eat another two.. there will be no cookies remaining by the end of the day. I know this is not healthy, yet if the cookies are there.. I will eat them. The way I avoid this issue is by not buying a large amount of cookies for my house. I avoid that opportunity. They do not get the chance. I'll go to Cascadia and get one of those MARVELOUS cranberry flax cookies.. mmmmm... I'm actually driving down to Victoria today to see family and I already know that cookie shall be consumed!! Mmm. I digress... I got caught up in my cookie issue. ;)

It is, for guys at least, quite similar with sex. Call it hormones, call it what you will, but don't call it rational in the moment. You can even call it the "thinking with the other head" which I used to take as being fairly derogatory, until I actually came to the conclusion that that's actually pretty damn accurate. I'm not saying by this that people, or men.. who are also people ;), will or should cheat, some people probably have different abilities to resist cookies. But we all make choices about what situations we allow ourselves to enter. And the more those situations increase the risk.. the more likely it is that someone will succumb. So that is why I think it's important to talk about these things openly, honestly, and authentically. I personally NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER want to cheat on a partner. I know that there would be so much pain and hurt for all parties, and I feel nauseous in my stomach if I feel a casual acquaintance has misunderstood something I was saying! I can't even fathom, nor do I want to, how absolutely shitty I and my partner, would feel... I don't want to. Saying all of that.. if a bunch of things fell into place it is possible that it could happen.. if if if.. if I were seriously impaired, and if I were irrationally hormonally taken over.. i could see myself succumbing. I also know the moment sanity took over I'd be crushed. Devestated. So.. no cookies in my house!

I think everyone probably has different lines and places that they'd draw them. I have my personal lines and beliefs and whenever I have a partner I want to know and respect there positions as well.

And gee.. I don't want to make this sound like I'm some drunken horny guy :S Most everyone would probably agree to my being a fairly chaste and well behaved boy. And I don't want to make women think that every guy needs to be on a short leash and you can't trust them on their own out drinking etc. I reminded of the scene in Old School when Vince Vaughan's character is in the one room and the girl wants to fool around with him.. and he says he's married.. and that he can't. Though he'd like to. But he won't. I think that's probably something most people can relate to. And probably the place most of us exist in. It's not to say that we don't look, but I hope most everyone can realize that a real relationship is much more than the imagined, and much more than that "fling" or that whatever.. I guess that's part of "Growing up" and gaining wisdom. Of course not everyone gets there..

Ok.. a typical Jordan's wandering thought process ends now ;)

Ummm.... ultimately I guess it speaks to the relationship and honesty and authenticity.. gosh I just seeing lies and hurt and pain with it all.. dysfunction.. falling short of what can be.. *sigh*.. but remember there is always the possibility of growth and goodness and learning.. Hooray!!

and cookies are wonderful in the right context ;)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 12:31:00 pm  
Anonymous Chris said...

Unfortunately, guys only have enough blood flow to operate one head at a time. When it comes to the girls/ladies, it usually isn't the head holding the brain. haha.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 1:51:00 pm  
Anonymous Chris said...

But I do agree with you Victoria!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 1:52:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I don't know Wednesday, interesting question :)


I hear ya Jordan. And yes, sometimes the cookies (literal and figurative) need to be kept out of reach.


I'm not laying all the blame on guys and their brains Chris ;)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 4:57:00 pm  
Blogger Ms Behaviour said...

The problem with cheating is that you can NEVER go back to the way things were before.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 11:29:00 pm  
Blogger Single and Picky said...

Jordan - somewhere in all of that there was a lot of sense/truth.

Cheating, oy, maybe it needs to be defined because having sex with someone who is not "yours" can in many ways be as hurtful as developing a non-sexual relationship with someone who also is not "yours." Both can and do violate trust, transparency, love and all the things that I would like to believe two people who are commited to each other would like to maintain.

I think we all know that cheating is hurtful, the question more so is how to do you avoid those who think the pain is just part of life? Oddly enough there are those people, I had a date with a self professed habitual cheater who also apologized for each indiscretion... it was bizarre and the last date I had with the person, but for him that's life - you cheat, you apologize and you move on with whoever you can... kind of seems like the behaviour of someone in the news these days.

Thursday, December 17, 2009 3:32:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's true Ms B. True.

SnP, I actually met someone who explained to me that where he was from and in his culture (latino) men were expected to cheat and wives to be angry, yell a lot and then forgive. He told me that the women they cheated with knew they'd never leave their wives and loved their wives and it was just "normal" for him.

And, yeah, you're right, there are poeple for whom it's "just what happens".

*shrug*

Thursday, December 17, 2009 6:04:00 pm  
Blogger the one in the back said...

Perhaps we were born to cheat. Hard-wired in our brains and such. I mean, the purpose of cheating is simple...self-gain...A successful cheater 1-ups everybody else and is ahead of the curve...(Cue geeky star trek reference i.e., Captain Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru scenario).
Point is, self-gain equates to self-preservation, survival of the fittest, that type of deal...unless of course, you piss off the wrong people, then life expectancy tends to decrease precipitously afterwards.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Meh :-P

Thursday, December 17, 2009 6:59:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

ToitB, some have argued that scientifically men are build to ...uh... spread their seed over the.. um... largest area? So maybe it's not a self-gain thing but a biological need to procreate muchly ;)

Meh. ;)

Thursday, December 17, 2009 10:39:00 pm  
Blogger TentativeOptimist said...

i completely agree with you on this post!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009 8:24:00 am  
Blogger the one in the back said...

Spread their seed? Like a lawn sprinkler? ;) I kid, but yes, that idea has been postulated. I suppose you can argue that the biological need to procreate muchly can mean the survival of genetic material, which technically is a gain for the species. But that being said, we are still creatures of morality, and thus, we cannot, must not ignore that part of ourselves...otherwise, we would be lost to our own vices. On that note, I agree with you in saying that we all should feel the same way =).

Friday, December 18, 2009 1:08:00 pm  
Blogger the one in the back said...

BTW, Merry Christmas! And thank you for blogging. I quite enjoy your posts =).

Friday, December 18, 2009 1:13:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks T.O. :)

ToitB, I, uh, really need to get the lawn sprinkler imagery out of my head now! Bleargh! And Merry Christmas to you too! And thanks for saying so, you're welcome! :D

Friday, December 18, 2009 5:48:00 pm  
Blogger Yamuna said...

I agree.. Besides, who'd want to be with the kind of man who would cheat on his wife anyway?

Sunday, May 09, 2010 11:42:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

True dat!

Monday, May 10, 2010 6:50:00 pm  

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