Saturday, 6 February 2010

So I Did


So I left. Told him I couldn't afford to pay rent anymore and wouldn't move in with smokers. And I still felt guilty somehow.

We both moved out, to our separate places, him in with his buddies, me back with my folks.

I was devastated.

I'd given so much of myself to him for so long and this was how it'd ended.

I never wanted to be in another relationship again. I never wanted to be intimate with someone again. I never wanted to even consider falling in love again.

I don't remember how it ended, exactly. I remember going over to his place a time or two, always leaving stinking like cigarettes and feeling worse for wear. I don't remember anymore if we called it quits or if I told him it was over or if it just faded painfully away. I don't remember and it's funny that I don't.

But, it did, eventually end. And I did, eventually, move on, and I guess he did too.

I didn't keep in touch, obviously, and I don't know where he is or how he is. I used to Google search for his name, hoping for his sake that he did make it in the music industry. Jeff was a beautiful, talented musician. That much is true. I should be able to end this story by telling you how I lost my virginity to that famous musician you hear on the radio, but I can't. And that's a loss. I'm not being dramatic when I say I just hope he's alive and well, but that in my heart I'm not sure he's either.

I hurt for a long time over that relationship.

I hurt for longer over the way I gave myself up for something that wasn't giving anything back to me.

I think it, honestly, took me years to get over the ways I twisted myself up and into paying back the guilt I felt over one reckless evening with an old flame the summer after I'd met Jeff. I can look back now and know the lessons I've learned.

I just sometimes wish I'd been able to learn them an easier way.

And, that, my friends, is the condensed version of what happened to my first serious boyfriend.

Thanks for asking, The One in the Back. Hope that answers the "500 lb gorilla in the room" question.

11 Comments:

Blogger Single and Picky said...

*Sigh* This resonates, the pain, the lessons, and in all that thanks for sharing. Thanks, I think that's all I can say.

Saturday, February 06, 2010 9:15:00 am  
Blogger the one in the back said...

You're welcome. I've been keeping track. And thanks for your honest story. Hopefully, the 500 lb gorilla is lesser than a mouse at this point in your life.
Meantime, the way you ended your story reminded me of a song. I figured, if this retelling has made you somewhat sad or introspective, perhaps this tune might help soothe you a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuQvja_t1FY

Rachael Yamagata, "The Reason Why." Fairly appropriate title, wouldn't you agree?
You got through the worst part. I hope things are much better for you now.

Saturday, February 06, 2010 9:41:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

You're welcome SandP. *hugs*

ToitB, the story's more like a teeny tiny bug now :) And, yes, things are much better for me now! Thanks for the song link, I'll go listen to it now :)

Saturday, February 06, 2010 11:21:00 am  
Blogger acg02 said...

Victoria, I just caught up today reading all the archives from your blog and wanted to say thanks for sharing. I, too, seem to be living in a world that is predominantly paired and sometimes I love being where I am and sometimes I hate it...but it is always nice to know that I am not the only one. In many many ways I have identified with the things that you say. Thanks for sharing!

Saturday, February 06, 2010 6:30:00 pm  
Blogger Ms Behaviour said...

Amen, sistah.

Saturday, February 06, 2010 10:19:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awww, yay acg02, I'm glad to hear we've both been through similar things. It's always nice to feel not so alone :)

Indeed Ms B ;)

Saturday, February 06, 2010 11:07:00 pm  
Anonymous jenny francis said...

I have a friend that I showed this too, because she feels exactly like you did, and i think she would get some help from this. Thank you for sharing! I hate it when relationships break up, and I am a firm believer you can get back together with someone if you have a good game plan.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 11:07:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

{{{more big hugs}}}

Thursday, February 11, 2010 1:36:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awww, thanks Jenny, I hope it helped your friend :)

Thanks Y ;)

Thursday, February 11, 2010 5:24:00 pm  
Anonymous Jonas Marshall said...

Thanks for the great blog! I agree with Jenny I think it is possible to mend a relationship with a little work. I guess I am just an optimist lol.
Anyway feel free to visit me back, I welcome your opinions and comments on my work!

Monday, February 15, 2010 11:32:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Some relationships can be mended absolutely, but both parties need to see that :)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010 7:37:00 pm  

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