Wednesday, 14 July 2010

The Missing

Every once in a while I get hit by this overwhelming (and unwelcome) feeling that I missed out on things.

That I missed out on some fun high school myth that I could have lived in if I'd only been more confident, less worried, and the list goes on.

I feel like I missed out on the dating scene in University because I kept myself in one really bad relationship for the first half and then a not so bad one for the second.

And same thing, if only (the feeling goes) I'd been more sure of myself and known (or even thought sometimes) that I was attractive and if I'd worried less about, oh, everything.

Sometimes I don't even know what it is I feel like I've missed out on. Maybe the engagement, wedding thing my friends have had, or the high school sweetheart turned husband or the buying a house experience.

And then I wonder what I'll be feeling like I missed out on ten or twenty years from now and how I can find that thing and do it so that I don't have to feel like I missed out. Or maybe it's not the experiences so much as it is the feeling I should be dealing with, I don't know.

I just know that every once in a while I get bummed out and wish I could have a second run at things. You know, that whole "if I knew then what I know now" sort of idea. (Except, I don't want to go back and do high school again, but sometimes I think I would like to go back now and kick some snooty girl, mean boy butt. And take more fine arts courses. And mechanics. And cooking. In fact, I think I'll go back and re-do high school and take no academics at all. Just electives. Maybe.)

University. I think I did the boy aspect of it all wrong. I wish I had a re-do on that.

I sometimes just feel like I missed out on things. I wish I'd had more fun, worried about everything (and everyone) less, and that I'd kissed more guys. Lots more. Especially that one guy in Soc. class that threw that paper ball at me that one time. I wish I'd kissed him.

I wish I'd been less shy.

It doesn't get you anywhere.

Suppose I should learn from that, eh?


Blogger Charles said...

regret is a tough emotion... regretting a missed opportunity is something I do every day....
I regret spending years doing drugs and spending nights in jail cells and screwing up college four times and i regret having kissed (and probably hurt) way too many women.

but then again, i wouldn't be me had i not done all those things. when i get that kind of regret, i recall that in my experience, there seems to be some kind of providence or plan to the universe. my previous experience or inexperience was entirely necessary in order for me to become the person i am to become.

we are naught but the totality of our experience. inexperience is a form of experience. im going to embrace who i am today. cause today, it matters, and yesterday doesn't matter as much anymore.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 8:30:00 am  
Blogger Being Samiantha said...

I wish I'd had more fun, worried about everything (and everyone) less, and that I'd kissed more guys. Lots more.

I woke up this morning with the decision that I was going to worry about everything and everyone less and committ to having more fun.

Then I read your entry. Crazy!

Chin up, it all builds character.... well thats what I tell myself to prevent going crazy from time to time. ;p

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 8:30:00 am  
Blogger Canadianbloggergirl said...

I often think when people ask me if I have any regrets in life, I just say....not one regret, but learning experiences.

You wouldn't be you if you had an opportunity to change your past.

What you can do, is change those things about yourself now and work from here, in this moment to provide yourself with amazing moments in your future!

Life is too short to have regrets!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:15:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

I definitely feel like I missed out sometimes - went to an all-boys school & a mostly-male university; didn't have much of a social life at Uni. until the final year... was in the wrong job for years, and in a relationship I shouldn't have been in for most of the same time..

Did the wrong subject at University. Put too many things off too many times. It finally feels like I'm in the right job, but I had to basically restart my career to do it - back to entry-level at 33 years old. Meh.

Here's the thing, tho: I can't really say I have any regrets. Lots of things I would do differently, yes; but that's not the same thing.

Because, if my life had gone differently, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I'd be somebody else. And despite everything.. I kinda like who I am.

Last week, my housemate had had a really crappy day. I managed to cheer her up, and a little later I got asked "Who do I have to thank for teaching you how to be so perfect?"

I didn't really have an answer, other than "life" - I've had a lot of practice in cheering up various girls I've known. I might have been happier if I hadn't had those times, but they certainly wouldn't.

So, yeah, I know what you mean - it's easy to feel a bit cheated by how life's gone. But if it had gone differently, you wouldn't be you. And that would be a bad thing too.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:27:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Regret sucks Charles, for sure and yes, I am glad I am who I am now, but I also sometimes feel like if I'd been braver maybe I'd still be who I am now, just with a few more life experiences. But, yeah, everything happens for a reason.

Samiantha, I think worrying less and having more fun is the way to go! :D

CBG, I know I wouldn't be me. . . but still. But, yes, I can use this to go forward with the things I wish I'd had or done in the future. (Ok, that makes sense in my head, not sure if it makes sense out loud!)

Dominic, I like who I am too (most days anyway) but I guess sometimes I wish younger me had had more fun. Cuz she/I so deserved it. But yeah, like everyone's said.... life has made me who I am today so there's that.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 5:03:00 pm  
Blogger Epiphany said...

Hindsight is 20/20 but the future is much more exciting. Take comfort in knowing you're exactly where you're meant to be. Even if you'd done all of those things, you'd still be the same fab person you are today. We all get to where we need to be. Sometimes we choose longer paths, and others shorter. No regrets. Live forward!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 5:36:00 pm  
Blogger the one in the back said...

Well, I think you turned out Aces to me, but if that's not enough, it may help to look @ it this way: All the experiences you had, you would have missed if you had lived your life any other way.

Ask yourself: are you happy with the way things turned out for the most part? If not, what could you have done to change outcomes? Would you want to? What's preventing you from changing things now? What's keeping you from being happy?

I ask myself these questions everyday. Some days, the answers are as clear as crystal. Many days, I get nothing but mud. And there's always plenty of doubt to cloud my judgment. W.S. had it right by saying "conscience doth make cowards of us all." Sometimes we overthink things and that can get in the way of us gaining experience. No guts, no glory, kiddo. Like Goethe said, "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it. Begin it now."

I'll do it if you will =).

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 8:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

True enough Epiphany!

Thanks ToitB. And, yes, I guess there are things I would have missed had I done it differently. . .
And those are pretty big questions. But, yeah, I'll do it if you will too! ;)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 10:25:00 pm  

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