Wednesday, 19 January 2011

I'm Not Together But I'm Getting There

When C-Dawg and I did the 10K on the first (which, I have to say seems like months ago isn't that a weird thing) there was a reception of sorts after with pancakes and prizes and "well-done-ing" all round.

Someone got up to make a speech and as he talked, I stood there, my head turned to the side a little as I confusedly tried to figure out if I knew him and if I did know him, how I knew him.

My brain clicked the pieces together and I figured out that it was Runner Guy.

For those of you who're new around here or whose memory is as mushy as mine when it comes to the thousands of men I've talked about on here (Ha! ahhhh hah hah hah hah! Ahem.) Runner Guy was a friend of a friend I went out with a couple of times and then, after a bit, didn't hear from again.

I thought it was interesting that I'd run into him again and it got me thinking.

One of the things I remember about Runner Guy was that he always wore a hat. And I mean always as in "the two or three times we hung out."

At a certain point, I remember him lifting his hat off to take off his sweater and he was balding. Balding in a way that wasn't flattering or didn't suit him or just for whatever reason I found unattractive. I remember telling someone it was a "bad balding." Because I think some guys pull it off and it genuinely suits some guys.

Maybe I didn't expect it or maybe it really didn't look good on him I don't remember, but I do remember shutting myself off from being open to being attracted to him and not being too bothered when he stopped contacting me.

So fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I find myself wondering why I didn't keep going out with him. Like, really.

I was introduced to Runner Guy and a couple of other nice guys not long after Smith and I broke up.

I'd wanted a new relationship, I'd told all my friends I was looking, but I think, in retrospect I really wasn't ready.

When I think back to it there really wasn't anything huge that I can remember being "wrong" with Runner Guy. I think the honest truth is that I didn't really want to start a new relationship and I was finding convenient excuses to not like people.

Maybe that's just me painting the past in a prettier colour than it deserves but I think I was truly not ready.

I remember hearing John Mayer's song "In Repair" for the first time and thinking that that was exactly where I'd been, unknowingly for a while now.

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

I feel badly, a little, for the very nice guys I've met and then not liked. I know I went into a lot of those dates with my walls up, looking looking looking for the reasons *not* to like them. Wanting this to be the start of a relationship but pushing so damn hard to keep them away from the get go.

I think my heart was thinking something along the lines of "if I don't like you in the first place then you can't break up with me and I won't hurt, so I don't like you."

But I don't think I knew that.

I think I know it now and I think I'm closer to being open to trying.

No, I *am* open to trying, just gently, slowly, carefully.

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair


John Mayer - In Repair

5 Comments:

Blogger Single and Picky said...

I think you realized the biggest mistake we so often make - we don't often let our hearts slow things down for us. We are happy to run head long, but in those moments that our hearts and our brains say just take a break, it causes panic and stress. You'll be ready when you're ready and in the meanwhile you'll keep growing and experiencing life.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:33:00 am  
Blogger Epiphany said...

Aren't we all in some sort of repair at any given time? Amazing how it's easier to push someone away, to stay happy in our life and not open our hearts again. Love comes with trial, error and the possibility of getting hurt. Don't beat yourself up too much. If it's meant to be it will come back. Until then stay on the road you're on. That's all any of us can do. xoxo

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:49:00 am  
Blogger Kas said...

maybe give him a call??

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 2:18:00 pm  
Blogger SimplyStacia said...

Spot on. Agree! I think a person needs to have their heart ready and their mind on board too, to actually be open to starting a new relationship. We long for what we've lost, but too scared to seek what we could find. It's all a process that we have to go thru to get to the good stuff.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 3:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yep SnP, I'll be ready when I'm ready.

Yeah, we probably are Epiphany and yes, it's amazing that it's easier to push someone away.

Who Kas? Runner Guy? I don't have his number anymore at all.

Absolutely Simply Stacia.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 7:44:00 pm  

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