Friday, 27 May 2011

Of Control

It was my Dad's birthday last weekend and I couldn't help but wonder if this is the last one he'll have.

An unusually morbid and unhelpful thought for me, but my mind's gone down that road more and more since we were given a date for his surgery.

I was doing pretty ok with things until the surgeon called and told us when he'd be going in. And ever since then I've been having trouble sleeping. Took me a couple of weeks to put the two things together, but I can understand why my mind's having a hard time shutting off. This is something that's so far beyond the realm of my control and I'm not ok with that.

I'm doing what I can to stay calm and to un-stress myself but it's moments like last weekend where I lie in bed and my brain says "what if this is his last birthday?" and I have no real answer that it's hard.

People tell me it'll be fine or to stay positive and unfortunately the closer it gets to the surgery the less I believe they're right.

It's not that I don't think things will go well, it's just that my brain seems to be stuck on what I'll do if they don't.

And it's a horrible place to be stuck.

My Dad's surgery is in early June and I don't know what you believe in but whatever it is, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep him (and us) in mind and send us prayers and wishes and good thoughts and energy and vibes love and everything you've got.

Early June is almost here and I want so much to be at the end of June with a healthier Dad who's happily healing a repaired heart.



Blogger Just Sayin... said...

My offer still stands. Its the least I can do to take a small load off the stress while he has his surgery.

Tell him in your own way(before his surgery) all the things you love about him. The things he taught you, the laughs and special moments, even the fights. Tell him you like who you are and that he did a great job being a Dad. I say all this cos gawd forbid this is his last b-day, you won't get that chance to do it after he's gone and know that he really knew how you felt about him.

I won't say it's all going to be fine, although I will offer you this. I have two ears, I can lend you one to scream into when you're so angry at the universe, just because or anything else you might want to say into that ear.

Hugs from the mainland.
Do not hesitate one second if you want to call in that favour we talked about before. No questions asked. It's there for the taking.


Friday, May 27, 2011 8:40:00 am  
Anonymous Brad said...

Sending good thoughts and vibes your way. I hope and pray all goes well.

I do agree with Just Sayin's recommendation to say all the things that you'd want to say to your Dad because you can. It is not at all about saying goodbye, but preparing for one of life's milestones.

Friday, May 27, 2011 6:41:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks JS, I really appreciate it and it's at the back of my mind like a safety net, so thanks. *big hugs*

Thanks B, and yeah, I know what you mean. . .

Friday, May 27, 2011 10:35:00 pm  
Anonymous narami said...

If you felt a *whoosh* it was the positive attack I just sent your way. Your dad is on my prayer, may all this end soon and all of you be well.

Monday, May 30, 2011 8:40:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Narami :)

Monday, May 30, 2011 10:33:00 pm  
Anonymous Ann said...

Prayers being sent your way! Prayers that our God heals your precious fathers heart and blesses him with the most skilled surgeons and doctors. Also that He is there in that room, guiding their hands to repair and heal your Dad. Positive thoughts, keep them flowing. Lots of love being sent to you all from Texas :)

Thursday, June 02, 2011 4:34:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you Ann :)

PS I've been to Texas twice (Austin and San Antonio and College Station) and loved it! Very much!

Thursday, June 02, 2011 8:12:00 pm  

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