Thursday, 15 September 2011

Frustrating

The Gloaming by foundimagination
Sometimes my desire to get into, or back into, a relationship I know will be self-destructive sneaks up on me.

Like right now.

Right now, I'm fighting the urge to contact Chad (because although I deleted him from my contacts, there is a draft text to him that will not not NOT delete from my phone....so I still have his number. I'm just ignoring it. And buying a new phone.) I want to contact him and make things work even though I can see where things weren't good and how things weren't good enough.

But even more than that, since seeing DD on the online site, I want to contact him and throw myself back into what I *know* would be a continuation of the unhealthy relationship we had.

I don't know what it is, but that something in me wants the pain and the darkness that was part and parcel of the intense connection we had and the good moments we shared.

And obviously, something in me hasn't moved on from him and what we had, even though the rest of me has and is very glad to have done so.

I'm not worried that I'll contact him, not really, but it's been somewhere between odd and interesting to watch myself wanting to dive into something I know isn't good.

Maybe this is my own personal version of the "bad boy" thing people are always talking about. It's not that I want to fix him, more like I want an excuse to be miserable. Maybe I want a focus for the anger and hurt seeing him has stirred up.

I hate that I may not have gotten over him.

I wish he'd moved away. I wish he didn't live here anymore.

Argh.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's what I would do...

I would contact chad and make a really appealing case for why he should give you another chance/date.

Then if that doesn't work out. Ask out your ex. and continue with online dating...ok cupid or match.

But I am really against the ex thing. I mean you guys broke up for a reason...it was prob. a pretty good one....

:)+=

Thursday, September 15, 2011 9:44:00 am  
Blogger Unknown said...

Do not contact either Chad or DD!

Chad was nice with you, he ended things in a polite, civil way... contacting him will NOT turn the story around to give you the relationship of your dreams. It will probably only annoy him or prove him that women are all overly emotional creatures that can't let go! Respect HIS choice to not be with you.

As for your ex. Well there's a reason why you're not with him anymore. Stop thinking of the good times and remember why, in the end, it was a good thing your relationship ended.

You will only make yourself MORE miserable by going back to relationships that are not meant to be. Be strong. Why not choose happiness? Why chose feeling sad, worried, incomplete with boys that you know are not for you.

I'm in the same boat as you, we all are. I choose not to contact my exes even though it means I have a very boring life with no one in my bed these days and no drama. At least I know I won't have skeletons in my closet when a new guy comes around.

Be strong!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011 1:05:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah ok, or be strong...whatever

I'm just saying if things are over with chad anyways...what's the worst that can happen if you contact him again?

:)+=

Thursday, September 15, 2011 1:41:00 pm  
Blogger Solitary Diner said...

I have to agree with Unknown rather than Anonymous on this one. Chad has been honest with you about not wanting to pursue a relationship (as silly a decision as that may be), and I think you'd only be handing over your dignity if you begged him to be in a relationship with you. As for DD, I don't know the whole story (still newish to your blog), but from what I have read this doesn't sound like a good idea at all. I spent four years going back to the "wrong" guy, and I was miserable the whole time. Learn from my mistakes - don't do it!

Just my two cents. Although whatever you choose to do, please continue to keep blogging about it. I have no time or energy in my life for a relationship, so I'm enjoying living vicariously through someone who does. :D

Thursday, September 15, 2011 3:15:00 pm  
Blogger Allan R E said...

The way you are reacting about your ex speakes volumes. You still have a broken heart and until you get that dealt with, you are going to have trouble making a meaningful connection.

The vast majority of us want to find a soulmate. Someone to share both a physical and emotional connection. But, we can't find that until our slate is clean. Until we are able to not compare what we had with what we have.

I lost the woman I thought I was going to grow old with and have children with a year ago April. I went on my first couple of dates since this summer and it became clear to me that I am not over her. I ave friends who are dying to "set me up" but, it is one thing to be a fool in front ofd stangers that I might never haved to see again. It is another to have a women dish with a buddy's wife about how fucked up I am (LOL)...

Anyway, I have hope for you. I follow your blog pretty faithfully, You are a hopeless romantic ( I recognize it because I am too). But, you are not at peace with yourself...I see in you what I see in me.

I hope I have not overstepped my bounds with you...

Your mate is out there! When you are ready everything will fall into place. I tell myself the same thing every day...the thing is that I don't believe it...yet...

Peace,
Allan
www.westcoastislander.weebly.com

Thursday, September 15, 2011 4:10:00 pm  
Blogger Singlicious said...

My advice is to try to get used to being on your own. It's not about either of these guys, really, and there will be other jellybeans. The trick is not to need someone to complete you, not to feel like someone, anyone--a known liar, a guy who's moved on or whatever--is better than the alternative of enjoying the journey unaccompanied for a while.

Singlicious
The S Word
http://my-s-word.blogspot.com/

Thursday, September 15, 2011 4:14:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Don't worry you guys, I'm not going to contact either of them. Just a low moment.

Anonymous, it's not my style to ask someone to give me another chance. Chad doesn't want to be with me? Then he doesn't want to be with me. His loss.

I'll be strong Unknown, I promise ;)

I'll keep blogging SD, even if it's boring. And, yeah, I don't want to go back to the wrong guy.

I hear ya Allan, thanks.

True dat Singlicious!

Thursday, September 15, 2011 5:37:00 pm  

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