What I Did

When things went off with Chad and I, I kind of had that feeling that they weren't going to go back to where they'd been. And because I didn't want all my eggs in what was looking like a faulty basket, during the week he wasn't speaking to me, I went back on line and "un-hid" my profile.

My thinking was that if things went well, I would just re-hide my profile but if things didn't go well, at least I wouldn't feel like no one wanted to talk to me.

At first it was a little disheartening because sometimes you're on these sites and it seems like there's nothing. Or, to put it politely, no one you're interested in getting to know.

I got a little un-nerved by the sixty five year old man who added me to his favourites list, but I just removed myself from his list and moved on.

When Chad ended things, I got back on the metaphorical horse that very evening and sent a couple of messages to some new guys.

I think I really wanted to prove to myself that there was going to be someone again in the near future who WOULD want to be with me and I think I wanted to lessen the blow and the thoughts of "I'm not pretty/attractive/good/nice" enough.

I'm not sure it was the wisest thing, but I ended up going on a date that same weekend.

Well, I call these things "dates" but they're really just a blind-meeting-a-complete-stranger moment.

The guy was nice enough and I wish I had a single girlfriend I could set him up with, but I just wasn't interested.

I don't know if it was him or me just not feeling it or if it was me comparing him to the connection I had with Chad, but I didn't particularly want to see him again once we were finished our time together.

I'm not someone who thrives in these kinds of situations. I know for some people the whole experience of meeting a new person and talking to them and getting to know them is a really fun adventure. And for me, it's just something that I find tiring and something that I get nervous about and something I don't love doing.

Except meeting Chad for the first time was none of these things.

When I was finished meeting Chad, I felt giddy. Energized. I couldn't sleep.

The time had flown by and had been effortless and fun.

And, let's be honest, I was attracted to him. He was very attractive.

So I don't know what to do about meeting someone right now.

I've got three other guys I'm talking to and they'd all like to meet and I feel like I *should*, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not sure I find any of them attractive enough to be excited about, and our conversations have been nice via the messages we've sent back and forth but... they're all just missing that... something.

But, yeah, I did go on a date and I guess that's a good thing. I guess it's making it less scary the more I do it, right?

Sigh.