Tuesday, 30 August 2011

While It Lasted

Lone Lines by foundimagination
So things didn't work out for Chad and I.

(Wait, who's Chad? Chad is the name I've just this minute decided to give that guy. Why "Chad" ? I don't know.)

We went on a date last week, our first date since things got . . .weird. I was super nervous for the date because while we'd been texting and had talked on the phone, I didn't know how it would be to be together again since we were both feeling somewhat reserved about things.

But I needn't have worried because once we met up, things were awesome. We really do get along great and the night was easy and fun and relaxing and uplifting all at once.

We went to a movie and we laughed before the movie started and we leaned up against each other in that way that makes your stomach flutter and he walked me home and we held hands and it just felt nice. Nice and good and right.

He came in and we talked for a while and when it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and said "we'll chat soon" and something felt off.

I know people say that you shouldn't overreact to things when guys say things like that because it just literally means we will chat soon, but this is the same guy who when we first met was asking at the end of one date if he could see me tomorrow. And this is the same guy who before he took a week to "think things over" was texting me multiple times a day to ask me things or find out how my day was going or to tell me he wishes he was cuddled up with me on my couch or to tell me that he thinks I'm smart and interesting and he's looking forward to spending more time with me.

So for him to say that we'd "chat soon" felt weird.

But I tried just to let it go and see what happened.

And what happened was that he was busy that weekend and his phone died while he was up Island and I know these things happen but I also know if you really want to contact someone and can't stop thinking about them, you find a way to say hi.

I asked him to call me the Monday of that weekend and he did and we had a great talk and sorted things out. He admitted that he sometimes goes M.I.A. and that he knows that's not fair and I said that if he needed to do that that was fine, just to let me know. Or just to check in and say hi. I told him I could tell he was kind of freaking out about being in a relationship again (he'd mentioned it in a previous conversation) and he said that yes, he was, but that it was something he was working through.

We made plans to see each other on Thursday, which was the first evening we both had free that week.

We chatted a bit via text throughout the week and then on Thursday I didn't hear from him until just about 6 o'clock.

I think I knew by then that things weren't going the way I'd want them to, but I still was surprised by the phone call.

To make a short story short, he told me that he's not ready to be in a relationship. Blah blah blah last girlfriend blah blah blah too soon, blah blah blah every time he thinks about getting back into a relationship it's just an awful feeling he just can't do it.

It's not about me, I'm awesome and he loves spending time with me, but he just can't do it.

To which I listened and said "uh huh" when appropriate, thanked him for being honest and wished him well.

And then I hung up the phone and cried.

I cried because I think we had a ton of potential together. It has been so so so long since I've clicked and connected with a guy so well. It was easy and fun and really really great hanging out with him and I was looking forward to spending more time with him and us getting to know each other and seeing which of his faults I was willing to overlook and which might be deal breakers in the long run.

So I cried over the loss of potential and the loss of a good, smart, fun, good looking guy.

And then I cried for a while over my insecurities.

I cried over "maybe I'll never find anyone" or "maybe no one will ever really love me" and "maybe that's the best I'll ever find and now I'll have to take something not as good."

And I cried a fair bit over the fact that no matter how nice a guy tries to be it always hurts to be rejected.

I understand the line "it's not you it's me" is supposed to be kind and empowering, but it's really not. Because the truth of it is, if I was the right girl for you, or if I was an amazing girl and you couldn't be without me? It wouldn't matter if you "didn't want to be in a relationship" or whatever other excuse guys use.

"It's not you, it's me" is only true to an extent. Because when you're with a woman you can't resist, you'll fight through blazing piles of shit to be with her. And you'll get over whatever issue or insecurity or problem you have.

So while I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me sooner rather than later, and I'm supposed to appreciate that he was honest and I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me rather than just disappearing, I'm still totally hurt and saddened and feeling pretty low.

And to be honest? I'm also pretty pissed.

I'm mad at myself for not just walking away when my guts and instinct told me things weren't going to work. I'm mad that I stuck around when really? If you have to THINK about if you want to be with me or not? You obviously don't. And I'm mad that the part of me that's strong didn't kick him to the curb then.

But I try not to be too mad at myself, because I do like that part of me that's hopeful and optimistic and that gives people the benefit of the doubt.

So I'm also mad at him.

Mad because I don't think it's fair to put yourself out on a dating site, and to start dating someone and start opening up to them if you've got that niggling feeling a relationship isn't something you're ready to handle. And I'm mad that he wasn't man enough to fight through it because, as I've said, I think we could have had something pretty great.

Or at least something fun and happy for a while.

And I'm also a little embarrassed.

I feel embarrassed that I told so many people. That I got so happy and excited about something that didn't amount to more than 5 dates and a few weird weeks.

I feel, somehow, stupid. And embarrassed.

I wish Chad and I could have stayed in what we had in those first few days for another couple of weeks.

I wish Chad and I hadn't had the weirdness that maybe I started, but that he certainly continued.

I wish, now that it's over, that we hadn't connected so well, because how am I supposed to meet someone new and not compare them to the wonderful, fun, friendly, easy, amazing connection we had.

And I think I wish I hadn't found him so attractive. Because now I feel like I've lost out and it's all too easy to fall back onto blaming myself.

But there you go.

I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but only some of it was. The worrying and wondering wasn't, although it did give me a lot to write about. I'd hoped that Chad would be around to be a cheering, happy distraction during the stress of my move and the stress that I think is going to be coming my way at work soon. And I had hoped that we could do things together and that I'd have a cuddle partner and, after a while, someone to share my bed with again.

I didn't tell you about this the day it happened because it was too raw (as some of my girlfriends can attest.) I stayed home for a day somewhere in there and didn't talk to anyone. No texts, no phone calls, barely an email, and that helped. It let me feel miserable and move through it.

Which I did and am now feeling better for.

It's been about five days now since he called me (right before our date, might I add) and the sting isn't quite as fierce. I'm still feeling a little embarrassed and I'm still sad and battling the mean thoughts, but I'm fine and I'm coping and sooner or later I'll feel good and happy again.

But there you go.

Don't really know how to end this post. I wish things hadn't turned out the way they have.

(Insert uplifting, inspirational thought here)


Blogger Solitary Diner (Also Known as The Frugalish Physician) said...

That just royally sucks. So sorry to hear it. Don't be mad at yourself for giving things a second try after the initial weirdness - relationships are a risk, and the only way to find a good one is to take the risk of getting your heart broken. You always have the blog and your loyal readers to help put the pieces of your heart back together again. Big hugs from Alberta.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 8:10:00 am  
Blogger Solitary Diner (Also Known as The Frugalish Physician) said...

This post made me think of you: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/simply-solo-spotlight-i-fell-in-love-with-the-bad-boy/

Not suggesting you should torture yourself (or him) by trying to make something work with "Chad", but it does show that it isn't always wrong to give a relationship another chance (or two or three).

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 8:26:00 am  
Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

I'm sorry. As I've mentioned myself, I'm not doing so well either. Somehow though, at some point things will get better for us. I don't know how or when, but they will. Keep your head up. Sending hugs your way.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 8:52:00 am  
Blogger Miz Aventures said...

I read your entire blog post nodding my head. That happens to me more than I can to think about - and the sting never lessens. It's unfair and hurtful and if I wasn't a die hard penis lover, I might mingle on over to the other side. It's amazing how confident a woman can be in herself and yet one single man can break that confidence away with a phrase. Hang in there.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 9:14:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you for being so real!!!!! That hurts. I was nodding my head thru the entire blog. I too am at the weird stage....just tonight after not calling my for the entire day i get a phone call at 11:30 SAYING he is on his way home and just wanted to call to say goodnight? The told me he would *talk to me tomorrow and that he just wanted to say that. um, ok? The call lasted 1 minute. Jesus!
I do love the part of you that Stayed Positive and Optimistic! Don't ever lose that. So NOW you got an other one off you Frog's list ....this just means you are closer to your prince. OK? Be OKAY? i know i am using caps by BE OKAY?

Love Layla

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 9:42:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus my grammar sucks. sorry just wanted to tell you that I think you are amazing!!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 9:50:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're right,

He shouldn't have to THINK about it too long if you're a great person/fit/match. But I think both girls and boys like playing hard to get sometimes...and I think that his THINKING was just playing hard to get. I could be wrong.

But it has been two weeks since my girl was going to call me back...and nothing...so I feel your pain. But who cares, I'm great, for all I know she's crazy as hell anyways.

But seriously, since it hasn't worked out for us the dating sites. Why don't you let me take you out to dinner?

About me: likes long walks on the beach, 30 yro, hella cute and buff, 5'6.

If you're ever in california let me know. And in case you were wondering, yes, everyone surfs here :)+=

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:27:00 pm  
Anonymous J from Paradise said...

Weird, i had my Chad, who's name really was Chad, almost exactly a year ago. i was so head over heels for the attraction and fun we had when we were together or talking that i wanted to ignore the problems i saw with him, the things i didn't like about him, the 100's of text a day that i loved that then would stop for a few days & then i tried to tell myself i was the one overreacting when i knew i wasn't. Anyways it's been a year...and i still miss it, i still miss the parts of him that i thought were so great, even tho most of my time dating him wasn't so great. i haven't found someone who's made me feel that comfortable since and it scares me. i know it's hard. you're not the only one going thru this. keep your head up and your smile on. you're a strong strong girl. we all love you. <3 <3 <3

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:29:00 pm  
Anonymous Duff said...

Aww. Fuck that guy.

Chin up I guess; its never easy!

Good luck with 'the stress' in the coming weeks ;p

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:42:00 pm  
Anonymous Dominic said...

My last girlfriend once said that she thought that the joy that comes with having someone always outweighed the pain you go through when you lose them.

It's been over three years since we split up and I'm still not sure if I agree with her or not.

It's a nice thought tho.

Take care

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 1:21:00 pm  
Blogger Just Sayin... said...

Hey at least you're not dead inside and you're capable of "feeling" still.

I hate the whole "i'm not ready" from guys who are on a dating site! I've called a few out on that very excuse and they have no response to it, cos they know it's bullshit.

You make very valid points in regards to "if he wanted to be with you" etc...

Be happy it happened now and not 5 months from now when you're totally invested.

NEXT! chin up baby! one more frog down 1/2 a million to go. ;-)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 4:14:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks SD. *sigh* And thanks for the link. Not sure it's going to happen though...

Hugs back at you Stephanie.

Thanks Miz A, I'll do my best...

You hang in there too Layla, thanks.

Hey Anon, if I'm ever in Cali I'll let you know :)

Thanks J.

Thanks Duff. Yeah, sometimes it feels like it's never easy. Sigh.

I like the idea of that thought Dominic, but... yeah... dunno.

Yeah JS, it's the second time I've heard that from a guy I met online. *shrug*

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 5:58:00 pm  
Blogger The Ex Student said...

My two cents?

There is no way on this earth that you deserved to be treated the way you did. You deserve so much better than "waiting for some guy to call". I know the insecurities are there, and I don't blame you.

You know those people that come out of relationships saying that they are "totally fine" with it and "everything is great!"...they are full of crap. Even if they were the dumper. Everyone has doubts, everyone fears being alone, but its by picking yourself up and carrying on that we find what we really want. What you need is to find someone that appreciates you for you, and doesn't leave you hanging.

Don't ever let yourself think you have to settle. You're worth so much more than that! There is so much more to life than that!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 7:05:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks. It helps to hear and be reminded.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 7:26:00 pm  
Anonymous narami said...

1) I don't care what anyone says: my gut feelings are, 99% of the time right. Never doubt when something feels off, it is, most likely OFF.
2) "it's not you it's me" BULLSHIT. It's ME. You don't want to be WITH ME. When I don't like something on a store I never say, it's not "this" it's me, I say "I don't like THIS". That sentence only exist to try and make something awful sound better, which is; I can choose who I want to be with and I don't choose you.
3) you should feel proud of yourself. The east way was letting him go before you even knew anything, you were brave. I would've chicken out SOFASTLIKETHIS.
4) sometimes there's no finishing sentence, just an ending. That's ok too.
5) have a great week. Or rest of the week. Cheer up soon.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 10:00:00 pm  
Blogger Likalia said...

Everything has been said so instead *hugs*.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 10:49:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Hugs all around, sounds like everyone is in dating hell on this site, or has at least been through it.

But let's all be honest, I'm sure all of us have rejected one or two people in our lives...and if you forgot...it's no fun on either end.

I also come from a mind-set that EVERYTHING is negotiable (well almost everything). So I believe I can get you this guy if you want him...but the question is how bad do you want him? I mean if you really believe this was the ONE...we should talk...


Wednesday, August 31, 2011 12:02:00 am  
Blogger Kas said...

Hating this for you, but - like someone else said: at least it didn't happen 5 months from now.

*hugs and more hugs*


Wednesday, August 31, 2011 5:26:00 am  
Anonymous Mizkay said...

Oh wow... You've blogged about basically everything I'm currently feeling and going through. Of course our situations are different and individualistic, but the same ideas, emotions, confusion, and misery are there!

You're a much bigger person than I am though. You let him go with dignity and respect (even though internally you're cursing him to Hades and back).

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 1:55:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be resilient and keep trying! I know it's hard but you have to get back out there.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 6:01:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

1) You're right narami, our feelings can usually be trusted. 2) I agree....
3) Thanks :)
4) I guess so...
5) You too ;)

Thanks Likalia

Yeah, we've all been through it Anonymous and rejection's no fun. And nah, I think I'll pass on trying to get this guy back, thanks though.

Thanks Kas...

Sorry you're going through the same (similar) thing Mizkay. It's no fun

Thanks Anonymous. I'll do my best :)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 10:33:00 pm  
Anonymous Natalie said...

Thank you for sharing everything in your heart. I read and thought yes I've been there and felt that. And the feeling embarrassed and stupid when things end, I so relate to. Hugs.Xx

Friday, September 02, 2011 12:27:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Natalie...

Hugs back at cha.

Friday, September 02, 2011 4:21:00 pm  

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