Picking At It

When I go through a rough patch, I often write about it when I'm most raw.

I mean, maybe that seems obvious, but usually things settle down. Eventually. Or I at least start waking up feeling calmer, or getting through the days will less hurt.

But sometimes I forget to go back to what I'd said when I'm feeling a little less wounded. A lot of the time it's because I just want to move on and I don't want to go digging back around in that wound when it's already starting to scab over.

But now that the harshest of feelings around this latest dating situation has dimmed somewhat, I'm reminding myself to write down what happens after the big hurt. Because that matters too.

Sometimes it takes a few days, and depending, sometimes longer than that, but at some point, my thoughts turn away from the deep sorrow and hurt to something more akin to bafflement.

I start trying to figure out what, exactly happened. And I suppose I'm happy to say that while I used to beat myself up that it must have been some physical lack of mine (looks, weight, hair, makeup) I now rarely linger on that topic (meh, I'm good looking enough...people much uglier/fatter/other mean words than I am are happily married, so it's not that.)

But then that, unfortunately, takes me to my personality.

Because if I'm not hideously ugly, he must just not have liked *me*.

And I'm not sure if that hurts just as much or even more than not being liked for how you look.

But that's where I start to get baffled. Because on these dates, like this last one, it's not like anything goes... wrong.

It's not like there's massive discomfort, or awkward silences. It's not like the guy tried to squirm his way out of the whole thing fifteen minutes in.

And then the bafflement starts to bounce towards anger. Well if he didn't like me, why'd he keep continuing the conversation or finding a new street to walk down? And if he didn't like me, why didn't he take the time to tell me as much then, or soon after?

And depending on the mood of that moment, that can either swing back to sadness - of course he didn't like me, who would? (and all the massive insecurities and low self esteem issues love to raise their voices at this time to chip in) or some weird anger/stubbornness combination - how could he not have seen through my nerves or whatever to see that I'm decent and good and what an idiot he is for not sticking around because (sometimes I think) I am kind of awesome.

So then there'll be a day or a week or so of these mixed thoughts. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm feeling sorry for him, I'm feeling sorry for me, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I don't actually care, I give up, maybe I don't, but I do, but what a jerk, but how did this happen, what went wrong, I'm confused, hurt, angry and sad all at once.

Ms. Kübler-Ross would be proud, I'm sure.

I've found it's not always helpful to talk to friends at this point. Because they're all so well meaning, but for most of them, a breakup's something that hasn't happened for a long long time and so they either tell me it'll all work out and he's bound to call/email/text any day now, or they tell me they don't know what to say (I wouldn't either I suppose) or that they're sorry and they'd hoped it'd work out. But when I'm in this mixed, bouncing around mood, nothing is particularly comforting. It's hard to get support (insert shifting sand is a bad foundation metaphor here.) when I don't even know what I'm feeling from one moment to the next.

But, there's what happens after the sad.

The confusion.

And, sadly, the desire to never repeat the situation and feelings again. A desire, that unfortunately just gets strengthened every time this happens.

I can't say I blame myself for wanting to stay away from hurt.