Thursday, 7 February 2013

In The After

In The Smallest Of Ways by foundimagination
I feel like there was a "Before The Email That Changed Things" and an "After."

And all the things I wanted to tell you about Jay and I before that, seem less important now.

I have a list, actually, of posts I was waiting to write about Jay, and things, and now I look at them and all I feel is the wall I've put up.  The wall I'm still not sure if it's necessary or just an old self-preservation habit that doesn't really help at all.  I know it doesn't feel good, whatever it is.

We've had glitches along the way, certainly, things he's told me or let me know about that would, quite honestly, freak me out.  And I'd tell him, hey I'm freaking out, and he'd be there for me and would reassure me and I'd breathe, and think, and often, get really weirdly good advice from Vince and be ok with things again.

But this time, Jay shared his living concerns with me, and I lost it, pretty completely, and he wasn't able to be there for me.

He's got too much going on, and not just with his uncertain future, but with his current work piling up on him and me wanting to talk/chat/email with him all the time all just got to be overwhelming for him and he asked for space.

And because I was still feeling unsettled from the email, the week to myself, not sharing my thoughts with him was harder than it might have been.  And for crying out loud, can we all just talk about the elephant in the room that all of this would be WAY way easier if we were having these heavy, big discussions while living in the same damn city?  Sitting on a couch in a living room, or even talking on the phone a ten minute drive away from each other?

Because they would be.

And if no one's mentioned it to you before, email is not the greatest form of communication.  There is no tone, no subtlety, and so when something difficult is said, there's no eye contact, or hand to hold, or shoulder to cry on.  And add to that the fact that after an email comes through there will be a half a day or more before a response can be written, it means way too much thinking time for my over-active brain and imagination.

And as a girlfriend pointed out to me last weekend, I maybe could remember to take a breath before I respond to an upsetting email.  To make sure I'm not just reacting.  Or at least to figure out what I'm reacting to.

Gah.

It's not easy, the distance.

As someone said in a comment the other day, it makes things feel bigger and harder than they probably actually are.

Which sucks.

I'm not good at thinking.

Or, rather, I'm too good at thinking.  Just not in helpful ways.  Man, even just typing this out is making me feel like my head will explode.  I'm going to have to do some relaxation after this for sure.

I know I'm not making sense, you all, I know I'm not because I can't even make sense in my own head.  I can't even explain to my friends what's going on, and I'm not even sure I have the words to tell Jay, although I'm trying, and finding them is easier after the week away from it.

"New Normal"

Not even there yet.  A normal would be nice.

Just in a different space than we were in for the previous six or seven weeks.  Those weeks were all about getting to know each other and falling for the people we were getting to know.  Those weeks were all about feeling love and connection and sharing and wow, so very awesome.

Now I'm in this strange space and just wanting to be through it.  Not yet seeing a light at the end of any tunnel, but this too shall pass, yes?  Or change, somewhat.  Or something.  Or end, eventually.  I suppose.

Man, I dislike talking about this.

Which probably means I should talk about it more.

Sigh.

4 Comments:

Blogger Dateafrenchman said...

I think you guys have gone as far as you can go without seeing each other. It's not natural to be having these major talks away from one another. You guys need to meet. And until then the both of you need to find a way to breathe. How about you come back to just getting to know one another? And hold the heavy stuff about the future for when you meet. And seriously, why not be wreckless, why not throw sensible out the window, and just hop on a plane to go see the man. Even if it's just for 48 hours. It would mean so much to him. And it will stop the whirlwind in your head. Think about it.

Bises x

Friday, February 08, 2013 2:38:00 am  
Anonymous michelle said...

Have you guys talked about when you will meet - living in uncertainty especially when you both saying you are in a relationship must be impossible. I agree with Dateafrenchman, there is not much further things can go without meeting. Having never met, it is impossible to feel any certainty or comfort. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, he will be coming back in X months? What if he can't come back? Would you really move to wherever it is he is? I am struggling with a lot of questions myself about what makes me feel good now and what feels right now versus making smart choices for the long term (I am not at ALL Implying you are not making smart choices) it just sounds like you are growing in your frustration (which is also understandable and a blog is a place to vent - except you really can't vent?

Friday, February 08, 2013 3:59:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

You're right Datea, and that's the conclusion we came to as well... let's just go back to getting to know each other. And, I can't be reckless because my bank account won't let me ;)

Yeah, I hear you Michelle, and yes, we have a return date, so there is some light at the tunnel's end, yes :)

Friday, February 08, 2013 4:03:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, and yes, Michelle, this is my venting space, and I can vent here, just sometimes I don't quite have the words to do so, and this week was one of those times! ;)

Friday, February 08, 2013 4:06:00 pm  

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