Ugh

I really feel like I'm just talking nonsense here.  Just trying to see if anything comes out that makes sense, but I'm still in this weird haze of... weirdness.

So very unsettled.

There are things about Jay that I wish I could talk about, maybe even need to talk about, but that should stay private between the two of us.  Things, even, that he's asked to stay between the two of us specifically and I want to honour that request.

Of course I have things about him I'm uncertain about.  Things about who he is or how he's lived that are so different from my life that I will have to wait and see how I feel about us when we're an "us" before I know if I can really feel settled and safe with them, or if I can't quite get there.

And of course, I have my own issues and insecurities that I'm having to deal with and confront and work through around my own self worth and relationship baggage and history and bad habits and fears and just so much stuff.

I hate to turn into one of those people who says the things that are so damn annoying to hear when you're single, but being in a relationship has its own set of troubles and difficulties and concerns.

You have to think about how what you're doing/saying will affect someone else.  And you have to figure out where you're coming from and why.  And you have to try to see where they're coming from and if where they're coming from isn't healthy, how you'll handle that.  And you can't just fall back on your old, bad, habits, as much as you want to, even when you're tired and things would just be easier if you could have them read your mind already.

I'm not who I was last time I was in a relationship.  At all.  But those habits and unhealthy ways are still in there and like to try to come out to play, especially when I'm pushed too far out of my space, or get overtired, which I do, when there is such a massive time difference and I try to stay up late and get up early just to grab some time to connect. 

When I think about it, I think with Smith, I just wanted a relationship.  I wanted a relationship so bad, I ignored the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country.  I just wanted to be loved and to love.

And with Bird, I loved the connection and understanding we had and wanted that to become something other than what it was, which was not much at all.

With Chad, I loved being with him, and how much he made me smile and he was so super cute, I wanted to ignore all the other things about him that made me pause.  I just wanted to date him so much.  To stop having to date at all, really.  But I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, didn't feel ready for that, and was scared.

Now, with Jay, it's different.

It's about how close and connected I feel to this person.  And the potential I see for us building a life together.  It's about letting someone into my life, and wanting to understand them and their life too.

I do want a relationship with him.  Not just a relationship.  One with him.  I want to get to know him and to have him get to know me.  I want to go on adventures with him, big and small.  I want to go out and see a movie, go for a drive on a sunny weekend day.  I want to snuggle up against him on the couch and do nothing.  And, yes, I want to lie naked in bed with him and rediscover what it's like to be intimate and sexual with a lover.

The only thing I've done backwards with Jay is not having met him first.

The rest I've done correctly.  I've gotten to know him, and like him, and even love him, and that's the first time I've done that.

I want to meet him, so I can put all of this together into the person standing in front of me, and see.

It's starting to feel like it's been a long time coming, meeting him.