Unknown

So Jay.

Or, perhaps, more to the point, Jay and I.

I, of course, want to document as much as possible here, so that I can look back on how things all began, or at least look back and see where I was right to be anxious, if things don't turn out the way I hope they will.

And of course, that's part of any relationship, I suppose.  The not being entirely sure of the future, and wondering if letting someone into your life is worth the future potential pain if things don't work out.

I remember with Smith, at least looking back on it now, never feeling happy, or secure.  Never really feeling settled and hopeful for a future because I didn't see how it would work, if neither one of us was willing to move, and if we'd spend a mere handful of days together, who would want to move anyway?

And with Bird, even, there was always me never knowing where he was coming from, or what he was thinking, or never being able to take him at his word, or rely on him, even though when we were together it was good, and I felt comfortable and safe when I was with him.

So of course with Jay there's still the rather massive unknown of us not having met yet.  And not really knowing how we will feel about each other when we do meet.  If there will be that spark, or if there will be enough of what we know of each other to see if a spark will grow if there isn't one there.

But even with us not having had the opportunity to meet yet, there are aspects in each other and in each other's personalities that we both like, and see potential with.  But, of course, there are still things we don't know about, and many of those are to do with the future.

Jay is looking to change careers, and of course that's a massive stress and uncertainty for him.  There is, I suppose, because of that, an uncertainty about where he may end up living, as he will need to go wherever a new job or career would be.

And, of course, this freaks me out.

Like, freaks me right the bleep out.

Pushes all my buttons, all at once, because here's someone I want to see if I can have a real relationship with, and see potential for an awesome relationship with and he may not end up living here.

Of course, he still may, but that uncertainty was enough to put me on a ledge the other week when it came up in an email.

There is already so much about Jay that is unknown to me, and so much I am worrying or wondering or freaking out about, and this one put me over the edge.

I feel like I took a thousand steps backwards, and probably closed myself off and up a fair bit too, just because it was a massive reality check that I didn't really want to have.

There are all these things that I can't control, and for a control freak as massive as I am?  It's so hard.  And so terrifying.

I really lost my mellow, and it felt awful, and I've been struggling to get it back ever since.

Jay and I, I think I said this, or maybe I only dreamed I said this, but we hashed out a few things this weekend when we did get time to chat, and one of the things we talked about was the fact that there's an aspect of us having fallen for the idea of each other, because we maybe can't know the real person until we get a chance to meet.

I think that's a bit more on his end than on mine, because I think I always had this in the back of my mind.  Or maybe I didn't, and the living situation email was what brought me back to a harsher reality.

Not that Jay and I meeting each other is going to fix everything.  But it will clarify a few things, I think, and will give us time to figure out how we feel about each other once we get to know each other for real.

In the flesh.

For now, though, I need to remind myself something along the lines of if it's meant to be it will be.

I just really want it to be.

And there are too many unknowns right now to feel the same confidence I felt a month or two ago.

Which is not a great feeling to feel, quite honestly.