I'm writing this after the fact, so I'm calm now, but I had a nice little panic freakout yesterday.
It went exactly like this: "What if Jay doesn't like me?"
I mean, not in a "Oh my life will be over if he doesn't like me" way, but more in a "Oh crap, I do not want to have to have that awkward conversation where he has to sit me down and tell me he doesn't like me I would probably shrivel up and die and holy bleep this could be so embarrassing."
And, I mean, I could rehash all my fears about it here, how I'd feel utterly cringe worthy, and then would have to tell people it didn't work out and then have to realize that it didn't work out because while he liked me from a distance, once he actually met me, in person, he didn't like me and crap that might be worse than anything else, but I don't really want to rehash all my fears because I just want them to stay away as much as possible, or maybe completely.
It was good timing though yesterday, when I was freaking out, because my friend texted me to go for a walk and we got out in the sunshine and I told him all about my freakout and he let me babble. And then I texted a few other friends and they told me not to worry, of course he'd like me.
And, really, that's what I needed to hear. Because I don't need a reminder of the possible "reality check" reality negative ending, I'm good on that myself. My brain comes up with those, like, all the damn time. I just need, like... calmed down.
Do I believe my friends? That "of course he'll like me?"
Not... all the time.
But the fact that they say that makes me stop and take a deep breath and calm down enough to go on without the panic making me feel like I can't breathe.
So that's going to be my focus for the next little while... the next... couple of weeks? (gulp) until Jay gets back here and we have a chance to meet in person.
To... not think about it too much, because when I do, I freak out, and that's no fun at all.
Sure, I'll be nervous when we do finally meet up, but I don't want to a) be nervous all the days until then, and b) be so so nervous that I'm nowhere near myself when we meet.
Staving off the freakouts. That's the plan man.
And right now? I'm ok.
(Ish. Writing about it didn't help the calm. Duh)