Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Which Way?

My Brain by foundimagination
I feel like I've said this before, but if I haven't said it before I've certainly thought it before.

I don't know if I should be fighting against who and how I am, or accepting it and working with it.

And I know it's not that black and white (one of my issues, needing things to be black and white) like of course there are things about me that I can constantly work to improve or better, but I mean, if I'm (as I am coming to accept I am) an anxious person, do I try to fight that and push against the anxiety, or do I accept that that's how I am and work around it.

Or is that the same thing?

If I get very excited about things, and then equally disappointed if they don't work out, do I try to make myself stay on a mellower level, or do I just roll with it and know that if I have a happy excitement, I might also have to deal with a sad low?

If people frustrate me, certain ones, do I just snap at them when they push me too far, or do I take deep breaths and try to let their meanness slide off my back?

I'm sure there is another way to be, and I know others whose minds don't run a mile a minute like mine does, but do I try to be more like them or just accept that this is how I am, and I'll never be that way?

I could go on and on, really, and I think, at least with the mind-spinning, I feel it's a battle worth keeping up.  A good fight, worth fighting, so to speak.

Perhaps that's part of what I need to remember too.  That because life is NOT black or white, it's not a matter of fighting until I get to the goal, but a matter of constantly making sure I'm pointed in the right direction.

I don't know, some days are better than others, and right now my worry stick is pretty full.  (Ok, that didn't make sense but I'm not going to change it, cuz I like it, so just roll with me here.)

Like, I guess you can't ever reach perfect calm.  You can only just keep practicing getting closer.

And stuff.


Happydog said...

"Worry stick" I love it...perfect...totally get it...can I use it?
What I want to say here isn't advice per se more just my observations on my own life as a "woman of a certain age." Whose also had her fair share of therapy Mainly I've found trying to change something about myself I don't like hasn't really worked. What has worked is paying attention and being kind to myself. Noticing my reactions and cutting myself some slack. I've come to see my patterns are my patterns and being curious about them (not to root then out to change them) but just to notice them has resulted in more awareness and over time I have changed some patterns. I've found the more I resist an emotion the more it persists. So the short answer for me is go with it, pay attention, and ride it out.
And I know you"ll find your way through this...

Happydog said...

Okay I guess I'm not done...
Plus you might find this interesting especially the last paragraph. Doesn't have to be about creative blocks...

And I also thought of you while I'm reading Brene Brown's
"The Gifts of Imperfection" not a self-help exactly but great explanations and research on living a whole hearted life.

Victoria said...

Thanks HD! :)

And, yes, you can totally use "worry stick" ;)