We finished the longest, closest, best hug of relief and happiness and I can't believe it's actually you-ness, and I parked my car in the space he showed me.
When I feel shy, I have a hard time making eye contact, so I kept just
sneaking glances up at him, my legs shaking as I got out of the car.
There was this moment, where I popped the trunk of my car and lifted
out my bag, where I realized I was sort of admitting that I felt
comfortable and safe enough to spend the night. I'd told myself that I
would just leave my bag in the trunk until I knew whether or not I was
staying, but it was dark and it seemed silly to think I'd be doing
anything other than staying over.
He carried my bag in
for me, and we headed into the house, and sat there at the kitchen
counter while he boiled water in the kettle.
I'd told him, warned him I guess, in an email from the ferry, that it would take me a while to calm
down, that I'd be in freaked-out zone for a while and he said that was
fine. He'd make tea, the couch was by the fire, we could just sit and
It was, as we'd both known it would be, sort of... weird... odd.. not quite awkward, but not un-awkward either.
I was.... I'm not even sure I know the right words to use, you guys, I was not calm. But I was ok. Like, I think the whole "I'm going to get on a ferry and drive to meet him" adrenaline and cortisol were still flooding my entire body full force so I didn't feel calm and relaxed, and it's not quite accurate to say I was nervous, because I was, but it was more just sort of not really having anything normal going on. So very much there in this strange place with someone I knew, but had never seen before in person, and just, I think the closest I can come to describing it is that I was utterly overwhelmed.
But I was still somehow ok within that.
I think it's perhaps that Jay and I have been so comfortable talking and sharing and telling each other anything and everything, and being honest and open, and when we'd stood at my car door holding each other it had just felt good, and right, and like it was all finally ok. So I was pumped full of wacked-out-stress hormones, but there was something, somewhere inside me that had sighed a giant happy sigh of relief to finally be together. My shoulders had dropped somewhat, an inch of relaxation crept in.
As we sat waiting for the kettle to boil, he reached his hands across the counter and I gave him mine, marvelling at the length and strength of his fingers and hands. You know how when you love someone, be it a friend or lover, you can just look at them and marvel at how beautiful they are? Well I found myself wanting to kiss Jay's hands. The most beautiful hands I've seen. But I kept those thoughts to myself, just letting him hold my hands with his, and glancing up at his face, his smile, his eyes, as I tried to stop feeling so .... overwhelmed.