Friday, 5 April 2013
Starting To Breathe
"You're sitting too far away." he smiled.
I nodded, staying where I was.
He nodded back, smiling still. "Maybe a compromise."
And he reached over, brought my legs and laid them over his.
I relaxed back on the couch, content, starting to relax.
I could stare at a fire for hours, just... zoning out. I find them very relaxing, and there's always something to watch. So I stared at the fire, and we talked, and as we talked, I realized that maybe he was a "stranger" (sort of), but I still knew this guy. And he made me feel comfortable. And as safe as I could feel, considering all I'd been through that evening and the entire unusual circumstances.
"One of my friends thinks you're crazy for coming here, you know." he said, his hand gently resting on my shin.
"I think I probably am" I said, feeling my body starting to relax, and finally leaning my head back against the couch cushion so I could fully meet his eyes, look at his face, take in how he looks, for real.
"This is way better than my computer keyboard," he smiled, "and there's no box around your face!"
"And you're in three dimensions," I said, not able to wipe the smile off of my face.
We talked, about how it was odd, but wonderful to finally be in the same space, about how surreal this all felt to me, about fire and why it's so cool, about I have no idea what, and I noticed that he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. Still fighting jet lag, and here I was keeping him awake.
We'd talked, previously, about what we'd be comfortable with, physically speaking, when we met, so I knew where we had both decided our comfort levels were. I suddenly felt shy all over again as I followed him, hand in hand, towards the bedroom.
I hung out around the corner of the bathroom, eyes covered by my hands as he had a shower, and kept my eyes hid as he jumped into bed half naked.
I got ready for bed, still smack dab in the middle of that overwhemingly... not... comfort zone feeling of is this really happening? Am I really here? What... is going on? Am I about to get into bed with Jay?
I knew there wasn't going to be any hanky panky of the woo hoo kind, if you know what I'm saying, but I also knew that I wasn't going to be sleeping much because it takes a while to get used to having another person in bed next to you, and I'm a light sleeper, to boot, and that my mind would keep racing anyway, in keeping with the situation.
I sat on the edge of the bed for a while, my giant, fluffy pyjamas like an awesome armour, and then I slid into bed next to him. Well, sort of on my edge of next to him.
He had me snuggle closer and we lay there for a while, smiling at each other, my brain knowing that this was wonderful, and peaceful, and romantic and right, but my body still so overwhelmed that I couldn't really quite feel it. Not, fully anyway.
It was almost like I was in two separate spaces. The one that was ragingly wired with stress and fight or flight hormones, and the other that was just quietly in the moment, loving having this man here, right in front of me, to hold and touch and see and breathe air with.
I realized that I needed to say something, and so I took a deep breath, looked at him with a shy sort of quiet smile and whispered "I think, maybe, you need to kiss me now."
Which he did.
Or, I suppose, really, we kissed each other.
But it was lovely, and sweet, and my body relaxed even more.
And then I felt ok snuggling closer and lying in his arms. Fuzzy pyjamas and all.