Friday, 12 April 2013

Leave It

Bound by foundimagination
I battle with anxiety (I prefer to call it worry sometimes), this we know.  And while "battle" is perhaps not the best word to use, I think it's accurate in that I don't want to just cope with or live with those feelings when they're vibrant and loud, but the trouble with battling them is that that sort of adds to the hightened level of worry, because now there's the added stress of.... am I winning?  Is it?

But anyway.

I'm trying really hard not to worry around things with Jay.

I'd say "worry about the relationship" but I don't actually have any worries there.  It's more about the other things.  Forefront... where might he live.

As soon as I start down that train of thought I get upset.  Anxious.  Worried.  Unhappy.  And that just triggers the other worries to come out and play.  Except they don't "play".  That would be too nice.  They come out and gnaw.  Snap.  Yip.  Harry.

They say that a dog "worries" a bone or a flock.  I get that.

I can't remember if I mentioned it already here, but one of my girlfriends (who clearly knows me well) said that when I met Jay, I couldn't think or plan or project into the future any further ahead than the number of days I'd actually been with him in person.  (Because, yes, I've "known" him for months...actually, we're in the fifth month Jay and I have known each other now.)  So the first day Jay and I met, I wasn't "allowed" to think any further ahead than the next day.  And the second day?  I could plan or think ahead by two days, etc, etc.

So Jay and I have really only been in the same space for a week.  Which means I can't think further ahead than a week.  I can't think about where we will be in Summer, or even where we will be in May.  Remembering this and, I guess 'forcing' myself to do this, or at least practicing this kind of thinking is really helpful.  Because my mind *wants* to jump ahead.  Wants to worry away at the bone of "what will the future look like?" and as much as I'd like to flip ahead to the end of the book (OMG Dumbledore dies?  WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?) and see, I don't get to do that.  And, really, haven't ever been able to do it in any relationship.  (Although, I didn't really think Smith and I would ever get over the whole other side of the country distance thing.... but that didn't take a crystal ball.)

Not letting my thoughts get too terribly carried away with themselves helps.

Some days, it just gets tiring pushing back against them.  Some days it feels constant, and like I'd really like a break.

You know?

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