Saturday, 6 April 2013

Still Wound

A lady doesn't (always) kiss and tell, so you'll have to just think what you want about what did or didn't happen between Jay and I that first night, but I will tell you that there was not a moment of the night where I didn't know he was right there.

He'd reach out a hand to wrap around my waist, or slide an arm under my neck.

His hip would be against mine, or his leg would slide against mine.

I'm a touchy-feely person, he's a touchy-feely person, it's a good combo.  It's nice.

At some point, I started to cry. (I know, sort of seems embarrassing, but I couldn't help it, it was all just so overwhelming and I cry when I'm exhausted, it was like a release valve in some ways)  He was really gentle and understanding and when he asked what's wrong, I told him that it was just a lot. He just held me until I'd calmed down a little and was able to curl up against him and sigh.

We woke up the next morning and had a quiet morning, before going for a drive to say hi to an old friend of his, and then a wander around the waterfront.

We held hands, and kissed, and laughed and laughed and laughed a lot.

Like, a lot, you guys.

Wheezingly out of breath laughter.  Crying tears laughter.

And I was happy.

My friends were texting me to see how it was, and I sent them texts saying "good."

They wanted more, but I felt like I couldn't quite give them more.

I was still so stuck in the overwhelm, and things were all still so very intense somehow, so that even though I was relaxed and comfortable and felt safe and happy, I was still racing and not... not right, not settled... not un-wound.

You know how cars have those, whatchamacallits... tachomoters?  And how you're supposed to stay out of the red zone?

Well, my day to day life, my work, occasionally throws me into the red zone, stress wise.

And I'm learning to cope with that, those moments of high stress/anxiety/worry/whatever, and to pull myself out and back down.

Sometimes it's like I'm just revving really high when there's a major project due, or say when Dad was ill, or over Christmas or what, but with my mindfulness tapes and exercising and breathing, I get better at lowering those revs.

But with this... as soon as I made the mental decision to go to Van, my revs went into the red.

And stayed there.

Like fully, screechingly hard core over revving, red zone, engine unhappy and smoking.

And that revving didn't just wind itself down.

I think having a not great sleep didn't help, and even once we'd come back to Victoria (and yes, I asked him to stay with me for that next night back) I had a hard time getting out of that revved up zone.

I couldn't process what was happening, or how I felt about everything.  People wanted to know how it was meeting him and all I could say was that it was good?

Did we have a spark?  We must have.

But, I was so... overwrought that I couldn't tell.  Or I could tell, but it was hidden by the STRESS!!!!!!!! that was still raging, stuck on repeat, through my body.

I took the day off of work on Monday (actually, don't tell, but I booked a few more than just the one day off, shhhhh), as Jay went to meetings and met up with friends, and I did everything I could to try to settle.

I went to the gym, I had a bath, I meditated, I did my mindfulness, over and over and over, and nothing made much of a dent.  Still revving way up in the orange.

Jay decided to stay at a friend's place that night and while the logical part of me understood, the less logical part, now fueled by the out of control revved up stress and anxiety and majorly messed-up-ness jumped onto a horrible bandwagon of how this was clearly the end of the world and he was abandoning me.

I know, and part of me knew that he needed to sleep, an uninterrupted night's sleep to just try to make a dent in the jet lag. And I knew too, that we both could do with some space to settle again from the intense 30 or so hours we'd just spent with each other.

Of course, the hopeless romantic, made by Disney side of me just wanted us to stare lovingly into each other's eyes 24/7 for the next week, there was a part of me that also knew that I had to find some damn way out of this over-revved situation I was in, but I honestly didn't know how to do it.

Right then, one of my dear, dear friends called.  "How are you doing?" he asked.

"Not good." I replied.

And we talked.

I've always been able to tell him everything (he's a lot like Jay in that way) and so I just poured out what had happened and how I was feeling and that I knew I was scared but I knew it wasn't good scared and that I was feeling all sort of unhappy, horrible things that I didn't want to feel.  And that I'd tried all sorts of ways to calm down but they hadn't worked and I needed to sleep but help!

He asked me if I still had the Ativan my doctor gave me when I had trouble flying a few years ago.

I did, because I never actually needed them for the flight, so I went and took one and pretty quickly I started to mellow out.

Not like, duuuude, I'm so out of it kind of thing, just... Oh.  Ok.  I'm no longer spinning.

I'm more able to breathe, and be, well, to continue with my metaphor, rev at a safe level.

To be in the low white numbers.

To be at 30% freakout, rather than 100% freakout.

And so I went to bed, by myself, and slept.

And I felt better in the morning.

Still a little nervous or anxious, and wanting to talk with Jay about certain things, but knowing that I had managed to break that cycle of WHAT IS HAPPENING I AM FREAKING OUT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OMG IT WON'T STOP, HELP!!!!! and was just back to... hey.  Yo.  I'm a little nervous about things, but, I can just breathe and feel better.

I was also able to sit in the moment and really feel what had happened in the last few days.

I'd been incredibly brave, and gone to meet Jay.  I'm so proud of myself for that.  Major pat on the back.  I did it, and I did it well and I survived and it all turned out (more than) ok. I can do this.  I already did.

I'd met Jay.  After wanting to meet him for so long, and wondering how it might be, good, bad or indifferent, we had met.

And it was good.

In fact, it was kind of great.

We get along really well.  We're silly happy lots of laughter together, and that's so so important to me in a friendship and relationship.  I don't know if it's that he makes me laugh or I'm just so happy around him that everything is that much funnier.  Or if it's both.  If we bring out the laughter in each other.  I just know it's happy.  Happy, happy, happy.

And we like to touch.  (Now, you get your heads out of the gutter, you!) Which makes me so happy, because I like to hold hands, and lean against someone, and sit close on the couch, and touch their shoulder as you walk by, all of these things, and he does too, and so my body gets to have that again, that feeling of, hey, there's that person I like, and I can be up against them, just for a moment or two, and feel connected and content.

I like him.

I like how he looks, and I like talking to him, and yes, (blush) I like kissing him and cuddling and snuggling with him.

Of course I don't know what happens next, and my battle is going to be just living in each moment and letting go of trying to figure it out, but Jay's here now, physically, finally back in town, and I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time now.

And to keep breathing.

In, and out.


Happydog said...

Good stress...bad the body it feels the same. The Husband recently went through a bout of high anxiety (long story) and it was the same....just take the damn pill! Gets your brain to stop so you can breath and if you can breath you can deal. So good for you that you gave yourself that breath. And am so so happy for you and Jay--because he's lucky too!

Victoria said...

So true, the body doesn't know if it's good or bad, it's just stressed!

Thanks HD :)

Elana Elizabeth said...

I just found your blog, and whoa, so much of what I have read so far is so much of what I have felt being a 20 something single girl. You say it so elegantly and perfectly and it makes me happy and sad all at the same time. Sometimes it seems that so many blogs out there are about these women and their babies and their perfect unattainable lives and finally, finally! someone who speaks what I feel. Thank you for writing.

And I know how that revved up feeling is, it's awful and horrible and terrible. I am glad you are feeling better.

Victoria said...

Awwww, super big hugs! :)

Thanks for saying so, you made my day :)

Bea said...

Oh I know that feeling so well! What you described was pretty much half of my flight from Melbourne to Vancouver when I went to see boyfriend (who up until a few weeks before had been my ex-boyfriend). It's the most overwhelming feeling in the world, but I try to remember that it's actually an okay feeling. Because it means something is happening. Something (hopefully) good. Sometimes all you can do is take a deep breath and hang on...

So glad it's going so well with Jay, even if it does feel crazily overwhelming right now!

Bea x

Victoria said...

Oh my goodness, that would have been a long flight Bea!

Thanks :)