I don't know why, particularly, but I found myself keeping track of how each day went last week. And I figured I may as well share. Because, you know, that's what I do. Pretty much.
Monday: I was actually feeling a lot better today that I expected. It helped that it was sunny, and supposed to be sunny for the entire week, and it helped to have work to keep me busy, but I felt pretty upbeat and happy. The evening was hard, and getting home from work and him not being there was hard. And I didn't really sleep Sunday night, but all in all, I felt a lot happier than I would have thought. Jay and I tried to sort of watch Game of Thrones "together". We started it at the same time. I knew what was coming (had read the books) and wish we'd been able to watch it on the couch together so I could have seen his reaction. He ended up having to stop before the end to finish his laundry so I watched the end on my own and then went to bed before he got back around to watching. In some ways it was just back to normal. I mean I've lived here so long on my own it's very familiar. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, just that I guess I'm used to being the only one here more than I am to having him around.
Tuesday: Didn't sleep much again, so woke up grumpy. And blue. And tired. And unhappy. Not so good of a day. Jay's not enjoying his new place or his job and I just want him to quit it all and come back. But that isn't going to happen so.... yeah. Went for a walk in the sunshine at lunch, and then for a short bike ride after work and I think that helped my mood. I felt better in the evening. Wanted to talk to Jay, but that didn't happen. I guess I could have called him, but he was frustrated and grumpy so I just let it be.
Wednesday: Again with the not sleeping. This is not cool. I'm so tired. So tired. And that just makes it easier to be down. Went for another sunny walk at lunch, just fifteen minutes but I think it helps. Am also making sure I drink lots of water. I filled an old juice container with water and mint and lemon and it's pretty yummy. I'm still so so tired though. I wish Jay was here so I could sleep. That sucks. I texted him in the morning and told him I wanted to talk. We FaceTimed in the evening but he was building something for his new room and it just made me want to cry. This has been the longest week ever and it's only Wednesday. I feel like if I could get a good sleep in, I might feel better. I wish we were making plans to see each other this weekend. I wish we could sit and talk on the phone, but I feel like he needs to get settled in his place and that I should just suck it up. I just want to talk.
Thursday: Wednesday at work, someone asked me if I had allergies (my nose has been really dry yet sniffy) and I told her no, but that it felt like it this week. She said she felt the same way, so maybe there was something in the air, literally. I used my neti-pot, but nothing changed, so before I went to bed Wednesday night I took a Benedryl and I think I maybe slept better. My nose certainly was better. Not that that really has anything to do with Jay, except that I think I was in a bit of a better mood Thursday because of the slightly more sleep. I had a cry and a talk with a friend Wednesday evening too and then a quick phone call with Jay. Really wishing I was going to see him this weekend. So want to just lie on a couch and hug. Doesn't look like there'll be that much space in his new place, but I don't know. Still trying to sort of let him settle, but wish he was here, or we were in the same space. Not liking this.
Friday: Thursday evening did not end well. I was tired and crying. Went to bed at nine. Had to put something over my eyes because it was still light out. I think I felt a little better, sleep wise in the morning. Texted Jay that I felt like one of us should be getting on a ferry Friday afternoon. He said that he was busy and in meetings. I guess I could have gone over anyway, but didn't know if me going over would just be sitting by myself all day anyway. Wanted to go over to at least have a night or two, some evening time. He said maybe we could try for next weekend. Tired again. This was a long week. Really not liking him not being here. Bad end to the day. Had a fun event here at my building so was up later, but happy. Texted Jay who was still cleaning his new room. We FaceTimed for a few minutes while he sorted and then he said, ok, well, I've got to go shower, bye. And I was so mad. Like, we haven't talked all week. I had a bad week, I've had some really tough things happen and some good ones too and I just want to be in your arms and that's not happening and now you've told me I'll hate your place and that maybe even if I come to visit I should bring a cot and then you're like, ok bye. I feel so unimpressed. I tried to calm down and sent him a text saying, hey, look, I know you're busy and trying to settle and I'm trying to let it go but we haven't talked and you keep giving me maybe five minutes of your time and I'm really unhappy about it. And I didn't hear back. I went to bed feeling like maybe this isn't going to work and that it's already over.
Saturday: Still nothing. I don't know what I feel or think any more. I feel like I have no good warm fuzzies to go on. I feel like he's not trying, and I kind of knew that wasn't his strength but, really, if this is what it's going to be like? I'm not sure there's anything in it for me. I'm angry and frustrated and I feel lots of kinds of unhappy. This sucks.
Saturday afternoon: I emailed Jay my concerns over the lack of communication/sharing/etc this week. I still haven't heard back. At this point, I'm wondering if this week is all it takes to end this relationship. If we only work if/when we're together. And what would that mean? I went for a bike ride and felt better. Got a late afternoon text from him saying he was out at a BBQ, and that he had a job training opportunity he was pretty happy about for Fall/Winter. These texts really made me feel like I was over it all, which I both understand and don't. I emailed a friend and said "I think I'm done." And then I started to cry.
Saturday evening: I sent Jay a longer email, pretty frank, laying it all out. Not sure if/when I'll get a response, certainly not sure what that response will be. I don't think I'm over-reacting, this is one of those camel's back straw breaking kind of moments, which sucks. This will suck royally if this week is the end of this, because when Jay and I are together, it's great.
Sunday: Jay responded to my email at about 3am. Well, he answered the email, but didn't respond to anything I said. Basically, what he said was that he had a really good week, and that he's not feeling like he's lacking in any way. That he loved being with me, but isn't missing it. So, that stung. But also, didn't address what I'd said about needing more communication. Told him so. Woke up Sunday morning to another short email saying that I wanted a long distance relationship and that I need more communication than he's able to give. And that he's not able to give that right now. I figured that was pretty clear and that I would call him to end things off. I called, he answered. Was just heading out the door and how would we find time to figure this all out? Which is a slightly different tune than his email. I told him he'd been pretty clear. He said maybe we could talk later. At this point, I'm going to close off this post. I don't forsee a good ending to this, it's mid-day Sunday at the time of this writing. I've watched Les Miserables, had a good cry (it's the musical I know best) and had a nap. Now I'm going out for a walk and for groceries and I'm guessing later this evening I'll write out what did or didn't happen in another post. Which I'm guessing will get posted tomorrow, or later this week, seeing as I do often do a fair bit of writing on a Sunday.