In one way, I find it hard to believe it's nearly the end of the month. That Jay left twenty six days ago. That we haven't spoken in weeks.
But in other ways, these have been some of the longest (work) weeks...ever. I swear, the last two weeks, I've woken up in the middle of each night being so happy it's Saturday. Only to discover it's only Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Etc. Etc. Seriously. It's been brutal.
I keep doing these things that mentally exhaust me too. Hung out with my travel mates for Burning Man again this weekend. (Good, but exhausting. I'm tired out by being with people I don't know well.)
And then I went for dinner at a colleague's house that I don't know very well. (They've been to Burning Man and heard I was going and invited me over to chat about it and answer my questions and show me pictures. So sweet of them.) And it was tiring. But, fun. And good too. But tiring because I was nervous about it before hand.
Sadly, each time I came home wired and tired from these visits, I wanted Jay to be here. I wanted to just lie down on the couch and be quiet together, holding each other like we've done so many times. I found that so centering and calming. It really was the most wonderful thing for me.
And I'm missing it a lot.
I think maybe I'm more of a pack animal than I realize. And a roommate's not the same as living with a partner, so that's not something I'd want. It's the living with someone where their presence makes everything better. Even if it's just reading, or doing your own thing separately in the same room.
But mainly it's the touching. And, yes, I mean the non-sexual touching. The closeness, the loving touching.
I'm missing that so much.
So much that I try not to think about it when I can.