So we talked, and I felt better, so so much better. And just as I was sitting there thinking to myself, "now what?" he turned to me and said... "Now what?"
And I laughed, and kind of gave him a nudge on the couch. "That's exactly what I was thinking."
We readjusted ourselves on the couch and just kind of lay there together. It was nice. It just felt calm and quiet and ok.
Like, there was no "stare dreamily into each other's eyes" sort of feeling, and no sad, just... fine. It felt fine. And like, this is how things were supposed to end, or be. Better.
He took a deep breath... "I don't know. Maybe this is just being in the moment. I mean, I'm still processing. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. But. Maybe I'm thinking about asking you to come see me in Vancouver?"
We lay there some more, close and quiet, catching up on this, that and the other, before he had to leave for a meeting. We made plans to spend some time together later that evening and I was so glad to have seen him and that I was finally feeling that peace and calm.
He called me as he was leaving his meeting. "I probably shouldn't ask, but... would it be weird if I stayed there?"
I told him yes, it would be. But that maybe we could talk about it later.
He came by that evening and we went for a walk. I'd already planned to go to see if I could see any US fireworks (it was the fourth of July) from across the water, and so we headed up to the top of a local "hill" (aka taller piece of land) and sat there in the dusk. He asked me if he could hold my hand.
I said yes.
He sat down behind me to block the wind.
We talked openly and honestly about things that hadn't gone so well, things that he'd been frustrated by and my take on them. Things that I'd been frustrated by, and just in general what all you maybe want to say to someone when the relationship falls apart and you see where you both could have made changes.
We watched the (teeny, tiny "are these fireworks for ants?") fireworks and sat for a while longer before walking home in the dark.
And here's where I feel like I should put a disclaimer. Just because this worked for Jay and I doesn't mean you should do as I did. Nor does it mean I would do the same for myself and another guy. Every situation is different.
I'm still not entirely sure why, but I felt like it was ok for Jay to stay with me. Sort of.
I told him if he could see how it looked from the outside perspective, he could stay.
"It looks like I really want to see you," he said.
"No it doesn't," I replied.
"But that's the truth!"
"It doesn't matter. That's not how people will see it, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I believe you."
He thought for a minute. "It looks like I'm using you?"
"But I'm not."
"And I almost believe you."
I know where he'd been staying, and I knew why he didn't want to keep staying there, and I don't know if it's a fault of mine or a strength of mine, but I suspect sometimes it works against me a bit, I'm a soft-hearted person and I tend to care-take more than I maybe should.
And I figured I'd enjoy his company. That maybe it would be great to share my bed with him again. Our evening together up the hill had been great. Our reconnecting earlier that day had been great. I felt better than I had in months. Better he stayed with me than in a crummy hotel, no?
So he grabbed his bags and came up and stayed.
And it was fine.
I mean, I barely slept a wink. My mind was racing. Jay was here. Jay was back. Jay was in my bed! Why? What? Huh? Etc. etc. And plus he's like a frigging furnace at night. Either I forgot, or this night was especially.... furnace like, but man oh man when it's already warm out and you have a boiling hot body in bed next to you? Stuck awake much?
So, yeah, not the most restful of nights. But then I had to head off in the morning anyway, so I left him there, working from my kitchen table, just like old times.