Thursday, 11 July 2013

And Then

So we talked, and I felt better, so so much better.  And just as I was sitting there thinking to myself, "now what?" he turned to me and said... "Now what?"

And I laughed, and kind of gave him a nudge on the couch.  "That's exactly what I was thinking."

We readjusted ourselves on the couch and just kind of lay there together.  It was nice.  It just felt calm and quiet and ok.

Like, there was no "stare dreamily into each other's eyes" sort of feeling, and no sad, just... fine.  It felt fine.  And like, this is how things were supposed to end, or be.  Better.

He took a deep breath... "I don't know.  Maybe this is just being in the moment.  I mean, I'm still processing.  Maybe I shouldn't say anything.  But.  Maybe I'm thinking about asking you to come see me in Vancouver?"

We lay there some more, close and quiet, catching up on this, that and the other, before he had to leave for a meeting.  We made plans to spend some time together later that evening and I was so glad to have seen him and that I was finally feeling that peace and calm. 

He called me as he was leaving his meeting.  "I probably shouldn't ask, but... would it be weird if I stayed there?"

I told him yes, it would be.  But that maybe we could talk about it later.

He came by that evening and we went for a walk.  I'd already planned to go to see if I could see any US fireworks (it was the fourth of July) from across the water, and so we headed up to the top of a local "hill" (aka taller piece of land) and sat there in the dusk.  He asked me if he could hold my hand.

I said yes.

He sat down behind me to block the wind.

We talked openly and honestly about things that hadn't gone so well, things that he'd been frustrated by and my take on them.  Things that I'd been frustrated by, and just in general what all you maybe want to say to someone when the relationship falls apart and you see where you both could have made changes.

We watched the (teeny, tiny "are these fireworks for ants?") fireworks and sat for a while longer before walking home in the dark.

And here's where I feel like I should put a disclaimer.  Just because this worked for Jay and I doesn't mean you should do as I did.  Nor does it mean I would do the same for myself and another guy.  Every situation is different.

I'm still not entirely sure why, but I felt like it was ok for Jay to stay with me.  Sort of.

I told him if he could see how it looked from the outside perspective, he could stay.

"It looks like I really want to see you,"  he said.

"No it doesn't,"  I replied.

"But that's the truth!"

"It doesn't matter.  That's not how people will see it, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I believe you."

He thought for a minute.  "It looks like I'm using you?"

"Yup."

"But I'm not."

"And I almost believe you."

I know where he'd been staying, and I knew why he didn't want to keep staying there, and I don't know if it's a fault of mine or a strength of mine, but I suspect sometimes it works against me a bit, I'm a soft-hearted person and I tend to care-take more than I maybe should.

And I figured I'd enjoy his company.  That maybe it would be great to share my bed with him again.  Our evening together up the hill had been great.  Our reconnecting earlier that day had been great.  I felt better than I had in months.  Better he stayed with me than in a crummy hotel, no?

So he grabbed his bags and came up and stayed.

And it was fine. 

I mean, I barely slept a wink.  My mind was racing.  Jay was here.  Jay was back.  Jay was in my bed!  Why?  What?  Huh?  Etc. etc.  And plus he's like a frigging furnace at night.  Either I forgot, or this night was especially.... furnace like, but man oh man when it's already warm out and you have a boiling hot body in bed next to you?  Stuck awake much?

So, yeah, not the most restful of nights.  But then I had to head off in the morning anyway, so I left him there, working from my kitchen table, just like old times.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

RUN. Do NOT walk. RUN away from this guy as fast as you can without looking back because he is a player with a capital "P".

Thursday, July 11, 2013 8:50:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm not discounting what you said, and I'm certainly taking everything with a grain of salt, but please remember I know this person really well, and I only tell one side of the story here.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 8:53:00 am  
Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

I know what you are saying. How you know this person and how you have known him and cared about him and loved him for months and months. So your friends, your family, those who love you most will have to trust you in this. Trust you in that you are being wise, and you are being cautious. Undoubtedly they probably want to beat him because he caused you any heartbreak.

I know I, not really knowing you, but I told you long ago to take a risk because there's no greater reward than love.

I believe in hope. I always believe in hope. I'm just going to leave it at that. I am hoping for you.... Fill in the blank with whatever that may be. Just, guard your heart and be cautious. =) <3

Thursday, July 11, 2013 9:11:00 am  
Blogger Sabrina Marie said...

I like the fact you were guarded & honest with him, and that he seemed to get why. I'm not convinced on his motives, but I don't need to be, YOU do.

I'm curious how you guys left it.. what now?

Thursday, July 11, 2013 10:24:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why are you giving this person permission to be awful to you and then allow him right back into your life and bed? As Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. It's hard to believe he has any respect for you to do this, but I guess only time will tell. Isn't it possible he just got lonely over there, took a gamble that you'd be a soft place to land and won? I think you made a terrible choice, but it is yours to make. Maybe this will work out great, or maybe you will get your heart stomped on again and again and again. If you were my daughter I would beg you to slow down and just let it cool off for a bit. He tells you he can't do the long-distance thing but then has no problem sharing your bed? He is saying one thing but doing another! That is uncool. Good luck, all the same.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 11:08:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

Hummmm...

Well, in the same way the subject of "He's not that into you" could be so obvious to me and yet so revelatory to you.. I can see how he could have done something that would be a big deal to you that barely registered to him.

So I can buy his excuse there..

And knowing less than half the story, and knowing from first-hand current experience how distracting moving home & job both can be.. I can see how it's not necessarily a black mark against him that you two haven't really spoken in a while..

And I have no difficulty in believing that he can honestly say that he can't do a long-distance relationship but want to stay with you whilst he's there. (Sorry ladies, but we just don't think like you do..)

And yet..

I think my conclusions are:

If this ends with you both coming to terms with him leaving & you part amicably, then that's great. Staying in touch, occasional visits, etc. etc., no problem at all.

If you just leave everything in limbo for a while 'cause it's all confusing.. that's perfectly fair, too.

If it ends with you both trying to make something work when you're so far apart.. that's not so good.

Good luck with whatever way it goes, though.

(And if you ever want someone to talk to/give an unbiased opinion, I'm happy to volunteer. Just so you know)

Thursday, July 11, 2013 11:44:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hey Stephanie, thanks. My friends have all said that as long as I'm ok with it, they're ok with it. As for this, I don't really feel like I took a risk, but you're right, love is worth the risk. My heart is certainly being kept safe and, yes, caution is being taken. Certainly.

Honestly Sabrina, I'm not convinced of his motives either, but at least I'm aware, and am willing to suspiciously take him at his word (pretty much)... if that makes sense? ;) And we didn't really leave it anywhere.


I don't really have any good answers to your thoughts, Anonymous, and certainly I would not suggest to anyone else to follow my lead, nor would I have done the same thing with a different relationship/person. It's for sure possible he
"just got lonely over there, took a gamble that you'd be a soft place to land and won?" Yup, that's possible and I knew that was possible at the time too, and I made a choice that worked for me, knowing that it might not be a great choice and that some would think it a "terrible" choice. This wasn't Jay and I getting back together though, and I'm not, at this point, concerned about my heart. If I were my daughter (a funny thought!) I would not be impressed by me either ;) And, yes, his actions are not cool, but... It worked for me, knowing him and how he is. If that makes sense.

Hey, thanks D, I always appreciate your insight and thoughts :)

"I can see how he could have done something that would be a big deal to you that barely registered to him." ... always interesting to hear another guy's perspective ;)


"And knowing less than half the story," ... I always appreciate when people remember this.

"I can see how it's not necessarily a black mark against him that you two haven't really spoken in a while" ... I didn't want to speak with him, and he wanted to give me space and time. Thought that was what was best.

"And I have no difficulty in believing that he can honestly say that he can't do a long-distance relationship but want to stay with you whilst he's there. (Sorry ladies, but we just don't think like you do..)" ... Yeah, y'all really don't.


"If this ends with you both coming to terms with him leaving & you part amicably, then that's great. Staying in touch, occasional visits, etc. etc., no problem at all." ... Quite selfishly, I'm just happy that I've come to terms with things. And for now, I have no problem with being in touch and maybe seeing each other now and then. That will probably change, but for now... it's fine.

"If you just leave everything in limbo for a while 'cause it's all confusing.. that's perfectly fair, too."... or a little bit of both.

"If it ends with you both trying to make something work when you're so far apart.. that's not so good." ... I think the only thing we'd be trying to "make work" is a friendship.. a cordial good feeling friendship, for lack of a better term. I've, mentally, already stopped being in a relationship with him.

"Good luck with whatever way it goes, though.(And if you ever want someone to talk to/give an unbiased opinion, I'm happy to volunteer. Just so you know)" Thanks a bajillion.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 4:27:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

Whoa. BIG whoa.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 4:29:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah....

Thursday, July 11, 2013 4:31:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

I'm sitting at work and I feel as though I have this "holy crap" thought bubble popping out of my head.... Again - BIG WHOA. Hope you are ok *hugs*

Thursday, July 11, 2013 6:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm good Kate, really. Thanks :)

Thursday, July 11, 2013 6:12:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

(Love the bubble image!) ;)

Thursday, July 11, 2013 6:12:00 pm  
Blogger Sanibel Gal said...

Sorry deleted the last comment bc of typos:

Your honesty on your blog is always impressive to me. If you are OK with letting someone who REALLY hurt you back into your life, and putting them before yourself then the risk was/is worth it.

But, if when you sit alone in the quiet times in your life and you feel like you are still hopeful that this will work out - please stay guarded. He hasn't proved anything to you, other than he can have his cake and eat it too.

I have been there when I give away too much of myself to make someone else feel better, make their life easier, have them be more comfortable - and well, have always ended up being mad at myself for not being stronger.

I am not bitter, it happened in the past but it taught me a very valuable lesson about standing up for myself and respecting my own value.

I almost guarantee you he is not seeing any of this as as big a deal as you are. Nor is he thinking about it with the same level of attachment that you. He is thinking about it in the moment, or he would have called you to tell you he was coming into town, not that he was already there.

Remember "shiny object" syndrome? When it's shiny and there and easy? Of course someone wants it. You deserve to be sacrificed for and worked for. I think we as women forget that too often.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 6:52:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I totally get what you're saying, and I agree, for sure. And, yes, I do deserve more, and honestly? Jay would tell you the same.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 7:03:00 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.