Monday, 14 October 2013


Changing by foundimagination
It's a long weekend here in Canadialand, which means I should be feeling very grateful for an extra (paid) day off.

"Should" being the operative term because although I'm writing this on a gorgeously sunny Saturday mid-morning (yes, I know it's posting on Monday, that's just how I roll) looking out the window as little yellow leaves are drifting down like snow from the big tree across the street, I'm not feeling relaxed.

I'm feeling anxious.

I didn't have plans for the long weekend.  Thanksgiving weekend, in case you're wondering.  My folks, who are still dealing with my Dad's latest illness (shingles... can't they get a break?) said that maybe on Sunday we could have a quiet meal, order in some takeout and that would be our Thanksgiving dinner.  As Scottish immigrants, Thanksgiving has never been a big deal for them, and as someone who doesn't particularly like turkey (but doesn't mind gravy or mashed potatoes) Thanksgiving has never been a particularly important holiday for me either.

But I got an invitation to go over to a friend's house for a big dinner Saturday night.  It's my friend who left spy work to go to another spy cave and I miss her and feel like I haven't seen her family in ages, but I don't know if I feel social enough to be there with her and them and the other family and friends that are going over.  But I don't want to say no.

And then I got another invitation for dinner, this one from my brother, and also a birthday dinner, and so here I sit on a gorgeous Saturday day feeling like I don't know who to say no to without feeling guilty.

I think some people go through life and don't feel these awkward guilt-filled moments of insecurity and doubt.  For me, especially when I'm a little bit on the low side, and feeling overwhelmed by blah and tired by work, it's a fight to be social at all.  I do it because I figure I'll feel better if I do, and worse if I don't.

But I get frustrated by how I feel... uncertain, guilty, bad, when all I need to do is... I don't know.  Something.

But anyway.  I guess I'll figure it out.

And I suppose it means I don't have to make dinner, one way or the other.

Guess it's time to take the laundry out of the dryer, maybe go get some groceries, and see what's for lunch before meeting a friend for a walk in the sun.

I wish I had a whole week off, really, to just sit and chill and whatever.

But I'll be thankful for what I do have.  Friends, family, work, health, a peaceful life, and a day off today.

Updated late Saturday evening to add:  So, here's what I ended up doing.  I told my friend I was going to be going to my brother's for his birthday dinner.  And then I went for a walk.  Realized mid-walk, that I could probably head to her house for an hour or two and then go to my brother's, so that's what I did.  Managed to get in a good catch up chat with my friend before the rest of her guests came over, and then had a great dinner and evening with my brother.

I'm not saying the anxiety was... helpful, I'm just saying it's not real for me to say it wasn't there.  It was, I worked through it, and in working through it (rather than ignoring it and telling both of them I wasn't leaving the house) I managed to find something that worked and I'm happy I got to see them both and that it wasn't too tiring.  And I got cupcakes to top it all off!

And a walk in the sun.


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