Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Ripples

Regional Burn (Reno) by foundimagination
I remember when I got back from Burning Man, and the guy I'd gone on those dates with texted me and asked if I was a changed woman.

I wasn't sure if he was joking around or if it was a serious question, but I took at face value and told him that it was impossible to go and not come back somewhat changed.

That first week back I'm not sure I could have told you quite what the change was, or how I'd changed, but I just knew, if nothing else, I'd done it, and that had shown me something.

Something fairly big, actually.

In some ways, Burning Man did what I would never have expected.  It made me worry less.

Sure, I still worry.  As you've seen here, I still worry needlessly.  But I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Things matter less.  Not in a "I'm going to do a slack job" kind of way, but in a "it's going to be ok" kind of way.

Maybe "worry less" isn't the right way to put it.  Maybe it's more that I stress less.  I'm less anxious.  About big things.  I don't know.  I can't put it into words, which is frustrating, but I know I'll be talking about Burning Man and everything for a long time now so maybe the words will come.  Maybe I'll be able to explain how I feel lighter somehow when it comes to anxiety.  And that that's a very nice feeling.

But Burning Man also put me into a place of change that hasn't been as positive.  And has also perhaps accelerated some positive change in my life, leading to this last week of misery that lead to some positive forward motion.

Things that effected me (I never remember which a/effected to use...urgh.  I feel like it should be the other one?) at Burning Man in an unexpected, negative way are still with me now, and how I feel about how I look is a big one of those.

I'm clearly feeling stuck writing about all this right now, so I feel like I shouldn't force it.  That I should just let those words, that story come as they may.

But for now, I just wanted to say that going to Burning Man this summer was the right thing for me to do in so many ways.  And I know that change is not always easy, and doesn't always feel good, but everything happens for a reason, and that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Burning Man was a stone thrown into the metaphorical lake of my life, and the ripples are just now starting to spread out.  Beautiful, but disturbing things as they go.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Jonathan said...

Reading your posts about Burning Man has made me really wistful about it.

Saturday, October 12, 2013 4:43:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Is that bad?

Saturday, October 12, 2013 9:05:00 am  

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