Monday, 7 October 2013

So Low

It Was Super Foggy This Morning by foundimagination
I wrote Saturday's post about feeling blue the weekend before.  Which means I had a rough week two weeks ago.

And I mention this because I had a really rough week last week too.  Worse maybe.

I had dinner with some great co-worker friends of mine on Thursday and one of them mentioned that their family (husband and daughter) was thinking of buying a small farm.  And the other friends said that they'd been thinking about it too.  So then the three of them started talking about perhaps buying into a farm together and what all they would do.

And I sat there and listened, trying to smile, but I wasn't part of the conversation.

I don't have a husband.  Which means I don't have a second income to help put towards a mortgage.  Which means I wouldn't be a financial help in this farm situation.  Or even in my own farm were that something I wanted.

And not just the financial aspect, but I don't have that life partner with whom I've sat and had these conversations.  Like they all had. 

And on top of that, I have nothing to offer to this... imagined farm situation.  I'm not an accountant like my friend's wife, so I can't help with the money.  I'm not an "ideas" person so I can't be the brainchild.  I'm not... anything.  And it hit me really hard.

I was already feeling low.  Feeling blue about myself physically.  A post I haven't tackled yet.  Feeling blue about everything.  And this just made it worse.

I didn't know what to do when I got home.  Who to talk to, who to call.

I texted a couple of friends, told them how I was feeling.  They were supportive, of course, but I didn't believe them.  Didn't buy what they were selling.

I just felt... like my life isn't anything and I hate it.

Hate where I am and.... everything.

In a place I don't know how to get out of.  And it was a second low week and that was not a great time to come across all those feelings.

I was really really low last week. 

And I wasn't sure what to do.

But I did something.  And I'll talk about that soon.  But I'm feeling better.  Hopeful.  And that's good.

I didn't write anything while I was feeling at my worst, and maybe I should have, just to remember that there's always an up, even when you're at the bottom of it all.

I reached out.  And I'm glad I did.  And I really really hope that this week is better.


Anonymous Elliott said...

I really hope your week is better too. I know those feelings well. The feelings like you have nothing to contribute, that your skills aren't needed/wanted. It's hard.

Chin up and good luck.

Monday, October 07, 2013 8:51:00 am  
Anonymous kandijay said...

Maybe you needed the high of Burning Man to realize you need a change?

Monday, October 07, 2013 9:31:00 am  
Blogger Matt79 said...

Sorry to hear about last week - I hope this week continues to be better. And I'm sure you have plenty of skills that would be useful - you tell good stories on this blog, for instance. That's an important thing!

P.S. Speaking of stories: I don't read many books, but I think, for possibly the first time ever, I've actually read the book you're currently reading!

Monday, October 07, 2013 1:19:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Elliott, yeah, it is hard.

Something like that kandijay

Thanks Matt, I'm hoping this week is better too. Oh, and American Gods? Cool. (I keep feeling like I've read it before but I haven't)

Monday, October 07, 2013 4:46:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling blue.

I hope you can be kind and compassionate to yourself and to your feelings.
Well done for reaching out and for expressing yourself.
Thats what friends are for *hugs*.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013 12:27:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you! *hugs*

Tuesday, October 08, 2013 7:51:00 pm  

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