Monday, 4 November 2013

Wishing Away

I half mentioned it a few days ago (I think) but I feel like I
would benefit from a getaway.

I can't take vacation time right now, or for a while, but perhaps I could go away for a weekend.  Go camp up Island, or to the resort C-Dawg and I went to a couple of years ago.  Just something that's  Something away.  Something different.  Something for me.

I talked to my brother about it, about maybe going away over Christmas (although I'd like to go away much sooner than that.)  I said that part of it was that I didn't want to go by myself, that that was no fun.

Didn't I have a friend I could go with, he asked?

And, no.  I don't.  My friends all have kids.  And spouses.  They don't/can't just go on a getaway with me.

"I have Jay."  I said, and my brother quietly said something about how that wasn't the healthiest of things and we both nodded and moved on. 

I texted Jay later that night.  I need a getaway, I said.  Would he want to come with me for a weekend somewhere?

No, he said, always honest.  He's been travelling so much, he just wants to be home.

And I get that.  I'm not in that place, but I so know that feeling.  And I haven't been away from home for as long or as often as Jay has, so I imagine I'm only slightly able to understand where he's coming from.

But, anyway, that's not the point.

The point is that while I know I can always trust Jay, because he is always honest, it also means I am regularly reminded of what I knew all along.

I was really never a large consideration in Jay's life.

I thought I was, for a while, before we met.  And I thought I would be, when we met.

And then we met and I was sort of confused.  But I made allowances.  Tried to, perhaps make excuses.  He was in an in-between situation... we were new to each other.  Etc.  etc.

But, see, while it's totally reasonable that Jay doesn't want to get away anywhere.  I still wish his response was more along the lines of "wow, a weekend spent with you sounds great!  When and where?"

And it's not.

Never will be.  I don't think that's who Jay is.

Or maybe he is that, but not with me.

So that's the only part that hurts.  Not that he wants to stick close to home.  But that I am not a draw.

That he does not want to spend time with me.  Unless it fits within his plans and comfort zone.

Because Jay did ask, did I want to come stay with him?

And perhaps I do.

Perhaps that would be enough of a short getaway to change up things.

But still.

That's my half of the story... wanting a change.  And wondering if a momentary physical change will help with that feeling.

Jay's half of this particular story is that Jay does what best pleases Jay.  And what Jay wants and needs.

And spending time somewhere away with me does not please him, is not what he wants, or needs.

Hard not to take that personally, even though I'm imagining it's not really about me.  And I'm imagining there are people out there who would like to spend a weekend away with me.

I bet some of my girlfriends would love it.

And maybe there's even some special guy out there who would love it too.

And would be excited at the prospect.

And would look forward to it.

Maybe I'll even get to meet him.

Who knows.

Now, I'm being a little unfair to Jay here, I realize.  I think it would be less jarring were Jay to speak more carefully in general.  If, say, he would have said "Hey, I'd love to go away with you but right now I really feel like I want to just stick close to home and not travel.  Would you consider coming over here?"  I would have felt differently.  But I also can't put words into his mouth.  So, there's that.

But then I remind myself that it's not about him.  It's about me.  And while moments like this remind me of how much energy, time and emotion I should put into Jay and whatever, the scales are still tipped towards "it's better to have this small something than nothing at all."

See, I know better, I do.  Trust me. But this is what I'm going to stick with for a while.  Just have to keep knowing that it's not more than what it is.

Which is nothing much at all.  No matter how I wish it were otherwise.
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2020 and then some.) Kay? Kay.