Wednesday, 22 January 2014

To Start

I had a very. . . a very. . . strange day on Saturday.  And before I tell you about it all, I have to tell you about what lead up to it I guess.

A couple of weeks ago, a guy contacted me on the dating site and his profile was well written and articulate but expressed that he wasn't looking for anything other than a friend with benefits.

Now, ordinarily I delete those messages and don't respond to them but I've been having some... difficult thoughts lately.

Difficult thoughts that have to do with certain feelings I have and how the last person I shared those feelings with was Jay and how when I have those feelings my brain thinks a lot less clearly and I find myself wanting to just say screw it and contact Jay and at least have some naughty conversation with him and some attention in the general area of those feelings and well, yeah I'll I've been really .... you know.

So I'm guessing that's the main reason I messaged this fellow back at all instead of ignoring him.  Somehow I felt it was better for me to amuse myself with this than to pine over wanting Jay, because I don't... and I know that if Jay and I "connected" again in that way I would just be hurt and sad all over again and I don't want that.  (It's just hard to remember when my hormones are raging.)

So I started an email conversation with this guy were I was straightforward about the fact that I really wasn't made for this FWB thing and I didn't think I wanted to meet him.  (And no, I don't know what I was thinking or why I chatted with him.)

We talked more and more and he's a very intelligent guy and I really enjoyed his conversation and how he presented himself and I guess I started to ask myself if I could actually be in a relationship that was not a relationship.  I mean, I'd done it with Jay, but we had feelings and love behind it and it was after we'd been together.  But hadn't I started other relationships that way?  With the physical?  And wasn't I trying to avoid that?

Yes, but this wasn't a relationship and wouldn't be.

So I thought about it and thought about it and talked it over with some friends "I think I might be considering meeting a guy to have a non-relationship and just... sex?" and meanwhile he asked more and more intimate questions and I dodged most of them but I was certainly getting interested in a non-cerebral way.

I decided that I would meet him, and that if we clicked (he'd send me a picture and he wasn't un-attractive, if not quite my usual type) that maybe it might be fun to have some smooching and cuddling and whatnot for a while and maybe having that might make me not so nervous or anxious about meeting someone else.

I even thought that maybe I would have a great time because I would know it would never be a relationship and so I wouldn't worry about all that stuff.  But I told myself that it would probably end up with me getting hurt and me developing feelings that weren't returned.

But... traditional relationships also ended with me getting hurt so at least with this one I'd have some physical fun and release right?

So, yeah, I convinced myself that it would be something I was going to try, to see.  And I'd told some friends and that made it feel more normal too.

Now because of the nature of things, this guy didn't have his profile up for long and hadn't given out much identifying information.  So I was a little cautious because usually before I meet a guy I know his full name, what he does, where he works and all I had from this guy was a couple of pictures, a first name and a general idea of his area of work.  I told him that I was pushing my comfort limit, but I figured we'd meet in a public place and then exchange numbers and whatnot once we'd met and found out neither of us were crazy.  And, I never got that vibe from him.  He has a daughter, and I respected that he didn't want his clients or co-workers to know that he was putting himself out that way and so was being cautious.

So we'd made a plan to meet this weekend and that's the background to Saturday's weirdness.

(And, yes, I'm turning comments off for most of this one I figure.  Sorry.)
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