For The Better

We're going to call it Ego.

We're going to call it Ego because that works for me, and because it's likely what it is.  Not Ego as in "I'm so hot, call the fire department to put me out ohhhhh yeah!" but more like the thoughts and voices that go on and on in my head and try to drag me to places I don't want to go.

Ego.

I don't quite know where I wanted to go with this, I just know that it's nearly the end of a month that just started and I've been full of cold meds for a week now and I'm feeling antsy and skittish and I want all these thoughts out of my head but I've not had the energy to do much more than catch up on tv shows, not that there's anything wrong with that I suppose.

I sent Jay an email last week, I found a photo of him I wanted to use but it didn't feel right to just put it up without asking him so I asked if he'd mind and he said no.  Said since his accident and his injury he's been thinking about modelling.  I wonder what it must be like to enjoy being in front of the camera, or, I suppose, to have a self confidence to think that people would want to shoot you.

I missed Jason this week.  Wanted someone to take care of me, pamper me, as I often do when I'm sick and Jason was "too busy" for most of the week.  This sat progressively worse in my addled brain as the week went on but on Thursday we managed to connect and he made us dinner and I stayed over at his place and I felt better in the morning.  Sure, maybe it was just co-incidentally the tail end of my cold, or maybe I really do get better when someone loves me enough to take care of me, I don't think that even makes sense, but whatever.

Ego likes to run away with me in moments like this.  Starts to whisper in my head about how this means Jason's not all that interested.  How it means that Jason's probably just stringing me along.  How it means that Jason doesn't really care, how it means this, that and the other and never anything that's adding joy to my day, only things that are causing anxiety, upset, hurt, pain, deep thoughts.  And I sometimes get carried away.  Sometimes I do, but I've been doing that less.

I've been, maybe not listening less, but hooking in less.  It's partly wanting to stop being trailed along by these negative thoughts, but it's also partly doing meditation and mindfulness and learning to let thoughts come and go without having to BELIEVE them or dive into them or follow them down their twisty path.

Doesn't mean I don't think these thoughts.  Sometimes, maybe a lot, I write these thoughts out, I let them have their say on paper... virutal paper I guess, but I don't feel they're as right as I used to feel they were.

Ego likes to tell me it's my gut.  That it's my instinct and deeper knowledge trying to warn me, trying to help me and that I'm dumb to ignore it.  I should run, I should yell, I should lash out and stand up for myself, I should panic.  I should!  YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU SO!!!!

But I'm doing much better at waiting out those moments.  Of breathing through them and seeing how I feel about everything in the morning, or later, or, I don't know just not at that moment.  Because in that moment when Ego is convincing me of things nothing else seems more real, and that moment seems like it will never end.

I'm not saying it's easy or I'm perfect or anything of the sort, that would be Ego talking again, and Ego's a liar, liar pants on fire, I don't know.

I just know I'm trying and it's better and you can teach an old dog new tricks you know.  The dog just has to actually want to change.

Which I do.