Saturday, 10 May 2014

Hulk Not Smash. Hulk Nap.

This is going to sound weird (maybe) but I had kind of a tantrum and I'm really proud of how I handled it.  ("Tantrum" is not the right word, but bear with me, ok?)

So one thing I (we?) know is that I'm not good with feeling angry.

And last weekend I (and everyone I talked to) was over tired and just felt done.  I was low and not all that happy and the gorgeous sunshine had gone and all I wanted to do was hang out with my boyfriend.

Except that wasn't happening.

Long story short, this that and the other and at some point on Sunday I texted Jason and asked if he was going to be at his event all day.  He said he wasn't sure.  I then (passive agressively?) texted back that I guessed I shouldn't expect to see him then?  (At this point I was feeling pretty sorry for myself) And he said nope.

I texted him something along the lines of "go eff yourself" (because it seemed like what I wanted to say) and when he texted back with several legitimate question marks I ignored him.

I was back in that space of being angry and just wanting to never speak to him again.

I deleted all our texts from my phone and considered deleting him (a la Jay... how "mature") and what else I needed to do to get him out of my life permanently.

I decided to take a few deep breaths and the next thing I knew the raging anger had shifted slightly and I was crying.

I was sad and lonely and wanted him to be there with me and I translated that into how our relationship was clearly doomed.

And so I decided to talk that out with myself.

So I lay down on my couch, under my blanket, crying, and I talked through my relationship with Jason and why he was spending time at this event and why I thought I deserved more of his time than I was getting and while I didn't come up with a solution or an answer, I also didn't feel so angry any more.

I just felt exhausted.

So I closed my eyes.

I napped for a while, not sure if it was fifteen minutes or half an hour or what, but I woke up feeling better and so much calmer.

Jason called a bit later and asked if he still needed to go "eff" himself (not the word I used...ahem) and I said no... that I'd been angry, but that I'd cried and napped and felt better.

And you guys?  I'm really proud of myself for that.

I'm proud that yes, I felt angry, but I didn't react (too much) in that moment.  I certainly didn't react in a way in that moment that would have been hard to recover from.  And then I talked to myself calmly and logically from both sides (how I was feeling and how the truth might actually be) and then I cried and I let myself rest.

Maybe I'm not explaining it quite right but I feel like I dealt with being angry in a healthier way than I have in the past and I'm feeling proud of that.

Yay me.

*pats self on back*


Anonymous OS1313 said...

I don't know why, but napping always does the trick.

Think it's because your brain tries to protect itself from mental stress as much as possible and to avoid prolonging anger and sadness and pain, it puts itself (and you) to sleep. Your blood pressure drops and you relax, so when you wake you're calmer and happier!

All in all, glad you felt better and patched things up easily.

*It's me, "AFST", but I changed my name:)

Saturday, May 10, 2014 8:25:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Fair enough! (Good reasoning) ;)

OS1313 is very spy-like! :D

Saturday, May 10, 2014 8:36:00 pm  

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